Negativity

I was asked about my blanketting negative commentary as directed toward Mrs_C.

yep, i resent my wife. there are few moments in my life right now when some trigger doesn't pop up. i am dealing with it along the way. sort of. i am seeing a counsellor. i am journalling and blogging. i talk to some friends, some family.

my counsellor says that long term exposure to verbal abuse and the other elements of my relationship with Mrs_C have caused psychological trauma. i don't like the term because it suggests personal weakness. but i am not stupid enough to deny it out of some kind of ego thing.

trauma?

how's that?

among others sleep deprivation, and hypervigilence - extended periods of hyperawareness...

"Menachem Begin, the Israeli prime minister from 1977-83, was tortured by the KGB as a young man. In his book, White Nights: The Story of a Prisoner in Russia, he wrote of losing the will to resist when deprived of sleep.

"In the head of the interrogated prisoner, a haze begins to form. His spirit is wearied to death, his legs are unsteady, and he has one sole desire: to sleep... Anyone who has experienced this desire knows that not even hunger and thirst are comparable with it.

"I came across prisoners who signed what they were ordered to sign, only to get what the interrogator promised them.

"He did not promise them their liberty; he did not promise them food to sate themselves. He promised them - if they signed - uninterrupted sleep! And, having signed, there was nothing in the world that could move them to risk again such nights and such days." - BBC"

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"Persistent sleep disturbances are associated with significant risk of both relapse and recurrence in mood disorders and an increased risk of suicide. In addition to changes in sleep architecture, patients with major depression show profoundly altered patterns of nocturnal hormone secretion, possibly through mechanisms that link regulation of sleep with neuroendocrine activity." - Holsboer-Trachsler E, Seifritz E

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"Abused children learn to judge whether people around them are angry. Even the subtlest hints of anger or hostility in their environment sets physically abused children on prolonged 'alert', even if a conflict has nothing to do with them.

This hyper-awareness of anger begins as a natural form of self-preservation in children who routinely face aggression. Some researchers believe that it may also explain why abused children are often so distracted at school.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin tracked biological markers in 11 abused four and five-year olds who play a computer game in one room when suddenly a clearly audible, heated argument erupts between students next door. The "argument"- over an incomplete homework assignment - was actually a scripted dialogue performed by two actors.

Both abused and non-abused children initially displayed signs of emotional arousal.

They developed sweaty palms and decelerated heart rates in reaction to the angry voices in the next room. Heart rate deceleration is often seen prior to a "fight-or-flight" response. The heart rates of non-abused children soon returned to their normal levels, while heart rates in the abused group remained low. It seems that the abused children could not completely break their attention away from the next-door argument, even when it ended peacefully." - Child Development

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"Reactions to and symptoms of trauma can be wide and varied, and differ in severity from person to person. A traumatized individual may experience one or several of them.

After a traumatic experience, a person may re-experience the trauma mentally and physically. Because this can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful, survivors tend to avoid reminders of the trauma. They may turn to alcohol and/or drugs to try and escape the feelings. Re-experiencing symptoms are a sign that the body and mind are actively struggling to cope with the traumatic experience. Triggers and cues that are reminders of the trauma can cause anxiety and other associated emotion. Often, the person can even be completely unaware of what the trigger is. Panic attacks can result from these emotional triggers.

Intense feelings of anger may surface frequently, sometimes in very inappropriate or unexpected situations, since danger seems to always be present. Upsetting memories such as images, thoughts, or flashbacks may haunt the person, and nightmares may be frequent. Insomnia may occur as lurking fears and insecurity keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night.

In time, emotional exhaustion may set in, leading to distraction, and clear thinking may be difficult. Emotional detachment, also known as dissociation or "numbing out", can frequently occur. Dissociating from the painful emotion includes numbing all emotion, and the person may seem emotionally flat, preoccupied or distant. The person can become confused in ordinary situations and have memory problems.

Some traumatized people may feel permanently damaged when trauma symptoms don't go away and they don't believe their situation will improve. This can lead to feelings of despair, loss of self-esteem, and frequently depression. If important aspects of the person's self and world understanding have been violated, the person may call their own identity into question.

These symptoms can lead to stress or anxiety disorders, or even post traumatic stress disorder, where the person experiences flashbacks and re-experiences the emotion of the trauma as if it is actually happening." - Wikipedia