Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Told Kids I Am Dating

As I had told Mrs_C about dating and being "with" someone else, I decided that it was the better part of discretion on my part to pre-empt their Mother's likely propaganda on the subject.

Son already knew about Smitten, and had actually met her for a few minutes when he came by my place unannounced to pick up his bookbag one evening.

It was not my choice to introduce that early, but it would have been unnatural and improper to have tried to "hide" her. He was very interested in her and later said "She seems nice". He's 14 - I thought it was a good review.

I advised both that their mother now knew I had been dating. I underlined that I had not dated prior to the split. I also advised them that I had intended to avoid the subject for some time, but that now that it was out in the open I wanted to be upfront with them.

I showed them a picture of Smitten and I together when we were dressed up prior to my fundraiser last week. It is a wonderful picture. The smiles on both of us couldn't be bigger or brighter.

They asked a few questions - especially daughter. I answered them all truthfully. I did not address any issues of sex - it didn't come up - I would have demurred on that subject, anyway.

I told them I had been on a number of dates, and that it had been my intention to engage in only light dating while things straightened out with the separation and divorce. I explained my rationale that I expected I was out of practice and might feel awkward after being dedicated to their Mom for so long, blah, blah, blah. They know me, they know how I think, they repsonded in a way that showed me they understood the rationale as presented. I told them that I had, to my surprise, met someone whom I wnated to consistently date for now.

We talked about this and that around the general subject of dating. Daughter told me that one of her friends' Mom's had been inquiring about my newly single status and that she and her friends had a giggle or two about the possibility.

I took the opportunity to talk about not dating friends Mom's because of the potential downside, I segued into not dating inside one's workplace or building and so on.

Daughter asked how we had met.

I first told her that we had mutual circles of friends.

Then I thought about that answer. And I told her I had just lied to her. I told her it was through an online dating site, but had avoided saying that because some people think it's kinda weird. I explained my rationale for not hanging out in bars, or hitting on women in my classes, or at work, blah, blah, blah - hence - online dating - you know people are looking - you can pre-screen, etc.

They laughed and thought this was both funny and well thought through.

I logged on and showed them the profile I had created and read it with them. I talked about the life I would like to live and the joy I would like to have.

I read the parts of the profile where I said that my children were the most important thing in my life, and that they were my most trememndous source of joy and pride.

I wanted them to have an idea of where I was coming from on the dating front.

These are kids who have endured their friends' parents separations and divorces. These are kids who have heard the horror stories of divorce in a way I can only imagine.

It was a good period of time to talk together, and to discuss the issue of dating and so forth. It dispelled some of their fears and reinforced their place in my life. They were happy that the approach I described to dating and the way I had addressed them as thinking human beings. They thanked me for being straightforward with them, and not trying to beat about the bushes.

They complained about a couple of instances with friends parents and the subject of dating with them and their kids, and then also some instances with their Mom where straight information had not been provided.

I believe things went well.

The kids seem OK with it so far.

We'll see how it goes from here.

8 comments:

Big Pissy said...

You have great kids, Cad.

I'm glad "the talk" went so well for all of you. :)

Brandi said...

I'm glad you told them on your terms. I'm sure they would rather hear it from you than to hear it blurted out from their mother.
So does the idea of you dating not upset them at all? I would think it's a lot for them to take in all at once.

cadbury_vw said...

Brandi: I have been easing my kids toward this moment for some time.

My son and I are relatively close. I told my son previously that I was dating. I had told him that I had met someone I quite liked. Then the one day when he needed to pick up his books, I warned him that she would be here, and he was good with it and wanted to meet her.

I had previously told my daughter that I expected to be dating at some point, but did not follow down the path very far.

Son told me that she wasn't surprised by the information that I expected to date *in the future tense*. I suspect he may have told her more - they are relatively close to one another - really quite devoted.

It appears (on the surface at least) the idea of me dating does not bother them. Daughter wants me to make sure it does not interfere with our time together, but is otherwise ok - it seems.

When we were at the grocery store on Sunday, daughter saw me glance (and I do mean a quick glance) at the flowers (I am a mega flower buying fool - Mrs_C never had a shortage of flowers).

Daughter walked over to the flowers and said "Come look at them". I did, she looked around - when she saw white roses in the one cooler she said "You should get her one of these" - and picked one out and helped me wrap it.

That would seem to be ok...

I dunno

I just know that I will see what comes. I took the best step given the likely tilt on things from Mrs_C this weekend - better my mouth than hers.

Sicilian said...

Mr. C. . . I have always been straight forward with my kids who are much older than yours. . . and they also have very open with me when they felt that the match wasn't good.
It is always interesting to tell anyone that you met someone online. . . I have not had a date with anyone that I had not met online.
Good job with keeping the communication open with your children. . .
Ciao

Brandi said...

The reason I asked was because my parents were divorced when I was about 6 and I remember being upset by the breakup. My parents had a very amicable divorce and remain friends to this day.
I lived with my mother after the divorce and she never said a bad thing about my dad. (And she could have because the reason for the divorce was my dad turned out to be gay. And she never told us kids until my dad was ready) But I was daddy's girl and I remember being so sad after we left him. Then again my dad was in the Navy, so I never saw him after the divorce. I think maybe your son is handling it so well because he is older and understands how these things can happen. I would just keep an eye on the daughter. I think you'll keep a good relationship with her, you seem very tuned in to your kids lives. I just know from experience that a girl needs a positive male influence in her life to make smart decisions about men (lets just say I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince). I think even her self esteem is directly related to her relationship to her dad. BTW, I have a great relationship with both parents now. Ok...I'm done purging my life story on your blog. LOL!
Just my two cents.

Brandi said...

p.s.
blogsurfer is now commenting on my blog...about you!

cadbury_vw said...

Hye, Brandi: Thanks for sharing your own experience. One of the things to remember about my relationship with my kids is that I am the person who stayed home to raise them, not my wife, so from the beginning my relationship with them has not been a standard male to children relationship.

----

I was re-reading my two references to my son meeting Smitten and realised there is a missing element to that story.

Smitten came over right after work. My son walked over to the apartment building about the time I would be normally home. He had taken his Mother's cell phone to call me and see where I was on the way over. It's a 14 year old thing - he wanted to use the cell phone - it was on the kitchen counter over there, so he took it with him...

So he walked over and then called me. I advised him that Smitten would be arriving in a couple of moments (she had just called me from her cell phone) and asked if he was OK with that. He said yes. I called Smitten and asked her if she was OK with it - she was.

He came up. He could have actually cleared out before she got there, but he stalled a little just to meet her and hang around for a few minutes.

Brandi said...

That's a good point Cad. (about you being home for them)
I'm just glad that you are going to be actively involved in their lives. I think the thing I resented my father the most for was that he just wasn't there.