Turning Point

Had a conversation with Mrs_C on Saturday. It didn't go as well as I hoped. We got together at her request to deal with property disposition issues. As you would all expect it turned to "Really, no really, explain to me again why you are leaving me?" and "I know we could make it work."

She had been to see a lawyer. She told me that she had told the lawyer that she wanted an amicable divorce at the bare minimum cost. The lawyer had given her some do-it-yourself type forms that we were apparently supposed to fill out.

So, I arrived with pad and paper. She asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I knew this wasn't about property division, but daughter was in the house so I went for the walk.

We had a really serious fight as we walked. She was yelling loud enough as we walked that people poked their heads out of the backyards and driveways to see what the hell was happening. I didn't yell back, but didn't really give a shit whether anyone saw or heard the argument. We know only about 3 of our neighbours and this was also a few blocks away before it really started.

It settled out after a bit and I just stuck to my main points.

By the end we were talking relatively normally. She disputed some of my "facts" and assertions about a number of historical events in our relationship. I told her I wasn't willing to debate them to arrive at one truth and she was free to remember and believe things any which way. I told her that even if my memories are wrong about some of the things that happened, there is enough baggage that I'm not coming back - that "fact finding" would not change the split.

We talked and talked. It became and easier talk. Yes, she did try to get me to sleep with her again. I demurred.

After about four and a half hours of talk I left to pick up some computer monitors I needed before 5pm. I'm making son a unix animation and multimedia workstation - and I had scored some used large screen monitors.

On Sunday I was over at the house picking up daughter (she had stayed a couple of extra days with her new puppy that Mrs_C got her).

Had another conversation with Mrs_C. This one shorter. Had another one on the phone at about 8pm. Had another one about 11:30pm last night when I went to pick up daughter's stuffed animal that she couldn't live without (she woke up and bemoaned its lack of presence).

These conversations were all decent. Mrs_C talked about moving on. Talked about letting go. She apologised.

She talked about finding someone else. She talked about finding a way to be friends and repairing the relationships that were damaged during all of this. She said a couple of things that were accepting of my relationship with Smitten, and offered a logistical element that was specifically aimed at making things positive for my relationship with her. Mrs_C does not know the details of my emotional involvement, but heard about/extracted many other things about Smitten from the kids.

She has been getting all Churchy and spritual through this whole period of separation as one of her methods of coping. She has been speaking in these terms more often and giving me pages and passages from books to read.

She put in for a transfer to a new job. Higher pay and different hours - a different line of work and workgroup/work environment. I'm really happy about that. I have wanted her to change jobs for years. The timeline of our marital decline can be tied to the deterioration of Mrs_C's work environment (and is an acknowledged factor [by both of us]).

Mrs_C could have applied for this job a few years ago but chose to stay in her current work. Mrs_C's job was a huge source of frustration. In addition to things being just fucked up inside her workgroup (new psycho managers [you know - i'm going to have to think about the psycho managers and their treatment of Mrs_C as a true psychological trigger for her exceptionally nutbar behaviour - especially given her abused childhood]), being technical and given the context of her workplace she was often the brunt of snide comments from desk jockeys who tried to demean her work - they lumped highly trained technical staff people who keep plant running in with other workers because all the mechanical and physical plant people wear the same uniforms (because they get dirty) - people would call her a "janitor" even though her job was an engineering one.

The position she has bid on will give her status - she will be a supervising desk jockey overseeing and inspecting elements of the company's physical plant and outside plant that relates to corporate interests (if that statement is not too obscure). I sure hope that some of those people who used to demean her have to kiss her ass now.

All these things...

She's living more healthily (but not still as healthily as she should... she needs to eat more regularly and quit smoking), she's sleeping more (instead of the 5 or 6 hours she used to sleep), she's taken up her art again, and has applied for a new job.

I have regret that these things could not have occured some months back. Perhaps things could have worked. Perhaps (probably) it was already way too late. But I have regret. There will be more pain and there will be more suffering - especially for the kids.

I regret the failure of my marriage, though I do not regret my actions to dissolve (most of them) in the context of what really happened - rather than in context of might have beens.

There is a truism:

People do not change until they are forced to change. Why would they? If it's working so far, what impetus is there for change?