Cadbury covers it...

Saturday, April 12, 2008

letter to the stbx (draft 1)

April 11, 2008

[Stbx] F. [stbx],

You recently left on a trip to Hawaii (Saturday, April 5, 2008). I am pleased that you have had the opportunity to travel, hope that you enjoy your travel, and wish to offer my support and assistance for any future travel.

I have some concerns with how things were handled.

Those concerns:

We exercise joint custody of our children.

You were leaving [ourcity] for a two-week period. One of those weeks the children would have normally been with you and one of those weeks they would have spent with me.

1) You did not advise me that you were planning to leave, and that the children would be alone for a week, until the Wednesday prior to your departure (Saturday). This is inadequate notice and joint planning. In the future please advise me earlier of such instances.

You only mentioned that you were going on a trip during a telephone call I made to you with regard to arrangements I was making with you about [Son] and [Daughter] traveling with me to the U.S. to see Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton speak.

I am not asking for details of your travel plans or life activity, I am however, asking for reasonable advance notice of times when I may be required to provide additional support to and for our children – like a week in which you are not there as a in an emergency, to supervise, provide guidance, or drive them to lessons and such.

In no way should my comments be interpreted as admonishment on travel – far from it. I want you to travel. I want you to be able to do the things that you felt you were limited from doing while we were married.

You should just let me know a little earlier if I’m going to need to cover supervision or support activities. If I had chosen to go out of town in that period the kids would have been on their own. Even though [Son] is 16 years old, I am not comfortable with his ability to handle extraordinary situations without guidance. Chris, who is 18, and who lives at your house, is not, in my opinion, suitably mature or capable of appropriate supervision or emergency situation handling.

In our call (Wednesday) you raised a number of concerns you had. I needed to be elsewhere at the time of the call and did not have the time to discuss issues more fully. You should have called me earlier, or sent me a letter if you are uncomfortable with dealing with me in person or in conversation.

You talked to me about the fact that you were uncomfortable with leaving the children on their own for a week. That they had convinced you that they wanted to try being on their own. That you felt they would likely need extra supervision. That you were concerned that they might throw a party while you were away. That you wanted me to try to ensure there were no parties at the house. You gave me no definitional parameters to accompany any of your concerns or requests.

I have no problem with allowing the kids to try out spending time on their own as you and they advised me they wanted to do. There was inadequate time to discuss issues in that call on Wednesday night. We should have had a longer exchange of ideas on how to deal with that week the children would be on their own. In the future, please either call me or send me a letter/note.

2) You did not leave enough food in the house to, in my opinion, adequately cover meals and lunches during your week. You did not leave money to cover additional needs. This is inadequate.

I was very distressed to receive a call from the kids the afternoon of Tuesday, April 8, 2008 telling me they thought they might run out of food, and asking if they could have $30.00 to go buy more food. They told me that you had said you would leave $50.00 for them, but that it had not been left. After some thought I advised them to contact you for guidance. I told them that I would not leave them in the lurch for food, but that they needed to contact you, as it was your domicile and your week.

3) You did not leave them with contact numbers or contact information on how to reach you in Hawaii. This is improper and inadequate. Do not do this again. In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone.

The children only had [brother-in-law]’s cell phone number as a contact. They tried calling the number 3 times and then left a message at my direction. As of Friday, April 11, 2008 that message had not been returned. Did you have any proof/information that [brother-in-law]’s cell phone would roam/track him to locations in Hawaii?

Leaving the children without adequate means to contact you is improper and inappropriate. You should have left a list of hotels and contact numbers.

In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone, or explicitly advise me (and the children) that I have full custody and supervision for that week, like when we go on holidays. I am uncomfortable with the partial supervision and responsibility scenario. There should have been a full hand-off, and an explicit arrangement for the week.

Further to the food issue (this write-up is partially chronological/narrative):

I advised them to call their Grandmother as well. She advised them that she would bring them food if needed, but not any for Chris – as “he has his own money to buy his own food”. I concur with her on the matter of Chris’ food.

I went to the house to see how much food was left. I entered the house for a period of about 5 minutes to check the fridge, fridge freezer, lazy susan/corner cupboard, pantry cupboard, and downstairs freezer. The children did not invite me in, I told them I was coming in. I wanted to make sure that they were not just trying to score extra pizza and such from me.

I provided some food for [Son]’s lunches and gave instructions on how they should stretch the food available at the house.

4) You did not leave them with instructions on how to handle emergencies that may have arisen. If there were a plumbing or furnace problem what would have been their action set? There was no instruction set, or plumbers to call, or even instructions to call your mother to deal with any situation.

Their response was that they would call me. I am uncomfortable with this. While I still own half the house and would have dealt with any crisis, in the past you have explicitly advised me not to enter your house. You changed the locks.

I was uncomfortable with entering to check the food on this occasion, and felt uncomfortable with any other potential situation regarding the house. In the future please leave explicit instructions with the children, or with me on how such situations are to be handled.

Addendum:

You even left your car unlocked with CDs and the broken computer inside it. I gave the children instructions to lock the vehicle. I would have had them put the crook lock on it as well, but did not know where the key was for it to be sure that you could unlock the crook lock.

Future Handling:

I remain committed to the idea of joint custody, but in the future I expect better handling of such situations and of joint custody and management of the children and their interests. In this letter I have outlined my concerns and my feelings and desires about how some of these issues should dealt with.

To date I have tried to make my feelings and intent known through verbal contact. This is now a notice in writing. I look forward to working together in the future to address the best interests of our children.

[Cadbury]

----

response

Thank you for your trust in me to allow me to view this. It is very comprehensive and the details thought out. I can only imagine your anger and frustration and possible numbness while writing this.

I have commented in blue - (very direct comments I should add). I know it probably reads choppy, but I have taken over an hour to read (close to 2 actually), to think about and respond. As always, I will not be offended if you disagree with my comments and I hope you will not take them defensively:

-----Original Message-----
From: [Cadbury]
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008 12:00 PM
To: [Smitten]
Subject: your thoughts?

i am delivering this in a letter to the house, and sending it through my

lawyer to her lawyer

Your blog friends suggested that you do not engage her. By sending it to her house first, she will be engaged and will phone you directly – do you want this?

what have i missed?

(first draft)

----

April 11, 2008

[stbx] F. [stbx],

Why the capital F.? And did she ever take your last name as a hyphen?

I don't agree with the sugar sweet of "I am pleased that you have had the opportunity to travel, hope that you enjoy your travel". I understand why you write it, but in light of her horrifying behaviour, I suggest just the acknowledgement sentence of “I hope that you enjoyed your vacation, and wish to again offer accommodations for any child care responsibility in any future travel”. My wording sucks, but I hope you get what I mean. And also a sentence about how you would hope she would in turn extend the same accommodations in childcare arrangements for you.

I have some concerns with how things were handled.

Those concerns:

We exercise joint custody of our (the) children.

Given that you do not want to engage her nor personalize your current relationship, I would suggest to use “the” children instead of “our” – yes I know that it is improper and depersonalizes them, but in light of the relationship I would think it is okay.

You were leaving [ourcity] for a two-week period. One of those weeks the children would have normally been with you and one of those weeks they would have spent with me.

Suggest a specific time frame that you think is appropriate - 2 weeks or 1 month?

I am not asking for details of your travel plans or life activity, I am however, asking for reasonable advance notice of times when I may be required to provide additional support to and for our (the)children – like a week in which you are not there as a in an emergency, to supervise, provide guidance, or drive them to lessons and such.

I would suggest again to use “the” children instead of “our”.

First line is great – but the next lines give her power and a reason to bitch about and berate you for not meeting HER needs while you were married. She had opportunity to travel while she was with you – but it was her choice and behaviours that did not make it happen.

You should just let me know a little earlier if I’m going to need to cover supervision or support activities. Already been stated, and it sounds like you are pleading. There is no need to go into detail again. She is not a child (even though she acts like it) who has to have the message repeated in a softer way

If I had chosen to go out of town in that period the kids would have been on their own. Excellent comment and would be a good back up example of why you need advance notice of vacations

Even though [Son] is 16 years old, I am not comfortable with his ability to handle extraordinary (emergency) situations without guidance.

Yes

Chris, who is 18, and who lives at your house, is not, in my opinion, suitably mature or capable of appropriate supervision or emergency situation handling.

Yes, but restate that he is only a tenant and not an adult in charge (as well as your other well stated statements of him). In fact I would really hope that she did not even think of him as someone who could handle any emergencies - the fact that he is living there is irrelevant to any childcare arrangements she should have made. Appropriate arrangements would be to have grama and grandpa come over every second day and check in.

In our call (Wednesday) you raised a number of concerns you had. I needed to be elsewhere at the time of the call and did not have the time to discuss issues more fully.

Another good example of why you need to know of her vacation time in advance

You should have called me earlier, or sent me a letter if you are uncomfortable with dealing with me in person or in conversation.

This is giving her ammunition – this letter is not about whether she feels comfortable around you or not. It is about childcare responsibilities. Acknowledging her ‘fraidy cat’ game and manipulation will give her power and deflects from the immediate issue. Do not stray. Also – are you just guessing that she did not want to see you in person or did she say it? This also ties in with her need to suck you in by talking about her worries about the kids.

I would suggest that you really decide how you are going to deal with her – are you going to just correspond through writing or through the lawyer or are you going to continue to verbally talk with her? Because the inconsistencies of what you have told me that you want to do (only communicate through paper) versus what you are actually doing (talking with her on the phone and in person) seem to me to be causing some problems and stress for you. She is using that inconsistency to her advantage (eg: being a fraidy cat in your presence).

Defending her house and property are not your responsibility. Well, I guess partially as it is still your house. But in reference to my above comment, what role do you want to play in her life? The issue at hand is child care, not house care.

I can guarantee that if the situation was reversed and you were concerned about a house party that would either have supervision from your family or would just not go on the trip.

Already been stated. And by saying that “We should have had a longer exchange of ideas on how to deal with” I read it as you are inviting her to have LONG conversations with you and that you really WANT to speak with her. (I understand that if indeed a conversation about childcare happened between you two that you would stick to the topic and would only speak about relevant topics – but she will take the opportunity to wander just to continue conversation with you. Do you want this?

2) You did not leave enough food in the house to, in my opinion, adequately cover meals and lunches during your week. You did not leave money to cover additional needs. This is inadequate.

In this section, add the paragraph about you entering the house, and of [Son]’s lunches. Oh and could you give a quote from them that gives you justifiable cause about their starvation as a reason to enter her house?. Especially any quote that would make her look bad and caused for immediate parental reaction from you.

Leaving the children without adequate means to contact you is improper and inappropriate. You should have left a list of hotels and contact numbers.

Who is “we”?

I am uncomfortable with the partial supervision and responsibility scenario. Did you tell her this initially?

There should have been a full hand-off (elaborate a bit on what you mean by hand off), and an explicit arrangement for the week.

Yes.

Further to the food issue (this write-up is partially chronological/narrative):

I advised them to call their Grandmother as well. She advised them that she would bring them food if needed,

if needed? I thought she actually brought stuff. Anyways, talk about that you felt comfortable with this arrangement and did not think that you had to further intervene. Maybe also that the kids were so concerned that they phoned your mom?

but not any for Chris – as “he has his own money to buy his own food”. I concur with her on the matter of Chris’ food.

Almost sounds like you barged in – can you soften this? Also to give you back up, state that the children accompanied you through the house.

I told them I was coming in. I wanted to make sure that they were not just trying to score extra pizza and such from me. yes

I provided some food for [Son]’s lunches and gave instructions on how they should stretch the food available at the house.

This statement could be a potential conflict with you making the decision to enter the house anyways. Can it be taken out or reworded? Is it necessary?

I was uncomfortable with entering (your house) to check the food on this occasion, and felt uncomfortable with any other potential situation regarding the house. Maybe this is a good place to add in a quote from the kids as to their desperation and that there was no one else for them to contact? In the future please leave explicit instructions with the children, or with me on how such situations are to be handled. I know this is just a draft, but the sentence sounds like it is giving her future permission to NOT leave them well prepared when she leaves. In a few paragraphs above you have listed some expectations for her. In fact, an actual detailed list might be a good idea to include. One that you will also adhere to when you go on vacation.

Also, to reiterate, what role do you want to play in her life.

Addendum:

I can read your frustration in this sentence. Remember that her stuff is NOT your problem. She is NOT your responsibility. If her stuff gets trashed it is her fault.

And, even though this is a draft, it almost sounds like you were snooping. Either omit or say that [Daughter] noticed it. Think about the goal of the letter.

Future Handling:

I remain committed to the idea of joint custody,

Do you really? Only say this if you truly feel it. Otherwise say some concerns about continuing with joint in light of her increasingly bizarre and inappropriate behaviours.

but in the future I expect better handling of such situations and of joint custody and management of the children and their interests. In this letter I have outlined my concerns and my feelings and desires about how some of these issues should dealt with.

To date I have tried (there is no such thing as try. You did). to make my feelings and intent known through verbal contact. you have also expressed in writing (eg the suicide warning letter). This is now a notice in writing. Perhaps say that this is the second letter of inappropriate parenting behaviours. I look forward to working together in the future to address the best interests of our children this sounds too friendly – reflect your feelings of outrage and annoyance and disappointment –or whatever. Write about expectations of behaviour.

[Cadbury]

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

update on food shortage

i thought about things, i discussed them with Smitten.

the outcome: went to the house. looked in the fridge and freezers. son's estimate of the food supply was correct.

i told the kids i wouldn't let them starve. i did tell them that their first order of business is to contact their mother and get her to solve the problem. son called brother-in-law's cell phone and left a message after being unable to reach them twice (so much for being available in the event of emergency).

i also told them to call their grandmother and talk to her about the situation - might as well toss responsibility back into that family and make the stbx suffer for a little while that way - he mom will make her feel stupid and incompetent for this one... they called her and she said she would bring food for them if they needed it, but none for Chris (the guy/friend staying there) - she said he can buy his own food.

I told the kids that Chris could spend a little less money on his cell phone and pot and maybe he would have enough food.

I was really upset by all this - i suspect you can tell from my last post. This is entirely beyond the pale. the stbx's actions are totally irresponsible. i'm really, really, really upset.

my mom happened to call over to the house to talk to daughter about some sewing she had done for daughter and got the word as well. my mom called me - she was close to tears (voice choking on the phone). i've only seen tears a very few times in all my years from my mom - deaths and funerals - and maybe 2-3 times outside of that. the thing that upset her the most was that Son was worrying about trying to find food for his friend. she thought that Son has so much other shit piling on him - yet he feels responsible for his friend - who is 18, and son is only 16 - why should he have to "parent" someone older than him? she told son that she would feed him, but that Chris could take care of himself.

i told my mom that Son got the rescue gene legitimately from me and from her...

----

the whole event left me distracted

it really ruined my evening with Smitten. so many things are coming up in my life that take away from us spending time just being with each other and enjoying each other's presence and our connection as a couple.

i told her that i was astounded that the stbx could be reaching into our lives more and more - that i thought i had insulated my self a little from her - but the stbx is reaching out through new channels to just fuck up the equilibrium - now, mostly through the kids and her messed up behaviour with them

Smitten said "Chaos knows no boundaries and no limits"

----

[took the blog public again - might have to go private again at some point, but the imminent potential danger has subsided. to my Halifax and University of Illinois readers - post or send me email, ok? you read so very regularly but do not comment (i think) and i felt bad about going private and not sending an invite]

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

OH MY GOD - FUCKING STUPID BITCH

so she leaves for her vacation to Hawaii

Son calls me just now and says that they are running out of food at the house because there isn't much there.

he says that the stbx didn't leave any money in case there was an issue, and that she didn't leave any emergency contact numbers or any instructions as to what to do in the event of calamity

he says she said she would leave $50.00, but none was left

just the brother-in-law's cell phone - that Son can't reach them on - and maybe boyfriend bob's cell - they think

they have no contact number in Hawaii, they have no address or locations they are staying or any way to track them down except for these cell phone numbers - fucking irresponsible bitch fucking asshole!!!!!!!

----

so the kids want me to give them money for food

fuck

i need to think this through

my initial instinct is to rescue, but i just don't know what to do right now

i'm thinking that i would not give any money, only food - if i did

i'm thinking that they should be responsible for calling their mother and getting her direction - in fact i just phoned and told them it is their responsibility to get a hold of their mother

i told them i would not leave them starve, but that their mother needed to find a way out of this instead of me riding to the rescue immediately

i also don't trust Chris - the other young guy who lives there not to have taken the money while we were away

fuck

A letter to my sister

your father is driving me insane

i don't know what to do with him

i think i'm going to have to call a contact time out of some kind

at work my phone's call display doesn't work right now

i don't have a call display phone at home

he calls me all the time

3 or 4 times a day - on a good day - and that's just the calls to me at work

he calls a couple of times an evening as well - sometimes more

for the most inane shit you can imagine

he is so completely self-centred it is ridiculous

everything is about him

we just went to the US to see Obama and Clinton - by the end the kids were saying things like "Grandpa needs to be the hero of the hour every hour" and "Everything is always about him" and "He has to be the centre of attention or he gets pissy and miffed".

and they've known and humoured him for their whole lives. they're pretty gentle about/with him.

and then he yells or gets snappy if they do anything even a little outside his zone - unless i'm around - then i can see him holding back - because he knows i'll take a strip off him

(at christmas time he threatened to punch out [Son]. i had quite a confrontation with him where we traded threats of physical violence. he apologised the next day)

he will change the subject of any conversation to be about him or his life or his family history - failing that, about some historical subject of interest to him - like the development of railways in north america... (and Canada in particular)

i brought him to the legislature last night

we are filibustering some rule changes, and having some introductions breaks things up a little for the person on the floor speaking. trying to think of Dad's need to be in on the action, i suggested he come down and be introduced. i asked him if he had a bio kicking around that we could use.

he wrote something up in a hurry - and that was good of him.

but the reason i did it was to just give him a little thrill that he was taking a small part of kicking the other guys. well, what a production...

he actually asked me "What should I wear?" as though this was more than a night sitting of the house during a filibuster. i told him "I'm wearing jeans and a sweater - that would be fine". he then came down to the office, but wanted to have a discussion about which of the members would be the best to deliver the introduction.

Oh My God

what a bonehead

this was after the weekend in Grand Forks. We went to some hospitality suites at the Democratic-NPL convention. Dad actually told me he'd sent an email to his contact asking what to wear. It's not like he hasn't been going to these since he was a kid some 70 years ago - but had to make it more of a production.

he has to discuss the ass off of every detail of everything - sometimes going over the same ground several times - and always about him and his role and what he should be doing or how to handle something or whatever the hell

when i talked to my friend here - his Dad is 90something - he said that its old guy stuff

that they are trying to assure themselves that they still have a place in the world

in our father's situation it is worse, i think, because of that politician's ego. he so desperately needs adulation and attention. he won't even do any give and take. he won't even pretend to pay attention to what other people are saying. he would turn away and ignore the kids in the middle of what they were talking to him about - if it wasn't about him. he would interrupt in the middle of things i was saying - after he had the floor for an extended period (like a half hour or more straight) and say things like "Do you want me to finish that bit of family history I was telling you about? How John and Katerina took the wagon from North Dakota to the homestead location?"

I had literally gotten 2 or 3 sentences out of my mouth. It was even on his topics of provincial history and homesteading and early farm life - except i was talking about the nature of settlement around where Mom's family lived and was about to ask him to tell me if that matched his area - thus giving him yet another chance to talk about himself and his family - he's an old guy, so i gave him his time to tell his stories and do his thing - but even that wasn't good enough - i couldn't even pitch him a softball in under 30 seconds that moved the topic away from him

jesus

anyway

sorry to spew in your direction but, i'm ready to lose it

and he just needs more and more - it's never enough

Monday, April 07, 2008

too tired to post a narrative yet

that's him on the jumbotron

and 17,000 of his closest friends

some people - they do road trips for concerts

me

and my kids...

their first road trip is to see Obama
(and Hillary).

Thursday, April 03, 2008

i may need to take the blog private for awhile

some shit has arisen that makes having anything hanging out in the wind iffy (current work/politics) - i will probably go public again in awhile - but our foes will be cruising

we just burned the other guys hard - i don't want to be exposed

----

i will be sending invites and taking it private - if i don't have your email address please let me know

interview this morning

went OK

a little more stilted than i would have liked

but ok

i can at times get overenthusiastic - especially when describing grand plans for the universe - so i was a little longwinded and overdetailed on some answers

especially on subjects i am passionate about

called my buddy who is on the board, who first headhunted me

will get some informal feedback soon

will post later...

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Hoping she has a nice trip, and all that...

So I was talking to the stbx yesterday. I had called her to read out the letter of travel permission that I need to have to take my kids across the border into the US.

I had put her contact numbers into the letter in case the border folks wanted to call her. She advised me that she was going to be out of town. I corrected her and said "I thought you weren't leaving until Saturday, we'll be crossing the border on Friday." I knew this already - she hadn't bothered to let me know, but the kids had told me.

She's going to Hawaii for 2 weeks with Boyfriend Bob, her sister and the brother-in-law (he of dogs, hunting, rye whisky, guns, and trucks).

She then asked me to watch out for the kids next week (her week) while she was away - first time she ever even mentioned it to me. 3 days from leaving.

how's that for responsible joint parenting?

asshat

anyway, i said i would keep an eye on them - they want a week of freedom. Son is 16, and the other guy (son's friend [18 years old] who is still living there - see this post, and this post for a couple of quick back references) would be adequate supervisors for a week, and I would be a moment away (3 blocks). the stbx gave me some shit about not wanting them to stay at the house and preferring they be with me... (if it was an issue why wouldn't she have called?)

anyway - her blah, blah

i listen and then say "By the way - I want you know that I really hope you have a good trip. I hope it's a really good time. I hope you really enjoy it."

She gave me some fuzzy response about having some new priorities in life and new horizons and looking at the world in a different way. That she was going to walk on beaches and volcanoes and sit under palm trees.

I went out to a birthday dinner for Smitten's niece (36) and to my friend's art show opening.

When I got back to my place the kids told me that their Mom had told them I only said that I hoped she would have a good trip to hurt her, and that telling her to have a good trip was hurtful because i had ruined her life...

The kids told her she was full of shit and had a tangle with her.

One of her points, one more time, is that i had an affair before we split.

They said it was otherwise mostly incoherent.

They were pretty rattled by the whole experience. I guess she bounced around every mood and accusation about all three of us that you can imagine. lovey huggy one moment, yelling the next.. She was apparently quite wild-eyed.

They said the reason she spazzed out was because their mom didn't actually want to go to Hawaii and was upset and had been trying to get out of it for some time, but was pressured into going by the others on the trip.

They also told me that she is "cheating" on Bob with another guy - Rick - who works with her. They don't think she's sleeping with him yet, but they are expecting Bob to get the heave ho real soon now.

They tell me that their mother is quite pleased that Rick has even more money than Bob.

I don't know quite what to make of all this.

For the record, I really do want her to have a good trip. I am pleased she is finally taking a trip somewhere (i didn't say that to her - only the kids - and they didn't say that part to her). I really do just want her to be happy - i thought this might make her happy.

But her being happy always has been a lost cause, now hasn't it?

I read a couple of blog entries out loud to the kids. I told them it was from my journal. They are aware that I blog, but believe (like their mother) that it is part of a larger "marriage and relationship" website (because i lied and said exactly that... well, it's not actually a lie if you take those definitions and interpretations a little generally and fuzzily... that's what we in politics call "telling the truth with extreme care" [the actual phrase is: i haven't heard a whole lot of politicians lie. they just tell very carefully constructed truths]. it's the truth presented from a certain perspective, language subset, and observational standpoint...)

anyway - i read them out loud with real names inserted in for pseudonyms. they were some of the older posts that showed their mother at her most erratic. at her most confused and most contradictory - contradicting herself from one hour to the next.

after i had read a few i went and sat by them and asked them what the point of me reading them out was.

my son said "To show that this is business as usual for her. That she's doing the same shit she always has."

Exactly

We talked for a few minutes of how tiring it all was, and how it left all of us so completely emotionally drained.

Then we went to bed.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Trail (interlude)

Real soon my kids and I will be getting in my vehicle while it is still dark out, go pick up my Dad, and set out on a full day's travel to the U.S.

I've taken the time off work, bought health/travel insurance (we don't need any inside Canada - medicare is fully transportable), made sure my auto package policy (additional $2M liability, etc) is up to date (we get basic insurance with our plates [$750 deductible, $750,000 liability - no really big lawsuits because the health system pays for any medical or rehab] - most people just go with basic plate coverage).

We're going to see Barack Obama speak.

Yeah

A day in my life to hear a politician speak. One that isn't even Canadian. A day of my kids' lives. My Dad? Well - he's retired and his soul was lost to the oblivion of politics so very long ago. So it's not like he has any misgivings about this trip... It's actually going to be two days because we're staying overnight and driving back the next day.

I was up for it in less than half a second.

My kids were up for it in about the same length of time.

At least the three of us think we need to get a life.

Dad... he's still Dad.

Barack Obama is the most exciting speaker I have heard in decades. Perhaps my whole life. He's not a socialist like me, but he brings the hope that maybe some of the more unfortunate elements of U.S. political culture can be overcome. I didn't know much about him until I watched his Martin Luther King Day Speech on Youtube" (37 minutes - take the time to watch the whole thing at once).

I wept as I listened.

I've heard a lot of speeches and I'm pretty jaded about them.

I wept as I listened to this one.

Usually I pick apart speeches and presentations in the kind of snotty/insider way that art critics look at art and discuss it. I have written speeches and have delivered speeches that make others weep. But not me. I am inside. I am an inside player. I know the tricks. I know the techniques.

I wept as I listened to this one.

I sent the link to my Dad. He had always been supporting Hillary. He called me back. I said "Wasn't that amazing? ...It made me cry." He said "It can't help but move you. It can't help but make a person cry." I realised that his voice was choked with emotion.

In his life he's given more speeches on the stump, in Parliament, in the legislature than I've even seen. He's written and watched more than that. And his father before him...

And we both choked up.

Listening to this "black guy with a funny name", as one right wing talk radio guy called him.

I had to go.

----

I watched this video: Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

And this one. The words that speak? So many of them. How about: "we are the ones we've been waiting for"

----

I talked to one of my co-workers about Obama and my reaction to that speech. He said "No matter how jaded and cynical you are, at some level you have to believe... or you couldn't do this job. That belief is what carries you through the shit. And this guy is the real thing. He's saying what he believes. And he's really good at saying it."

----

We had put together all the arrangements to go when we discovered that Hillary Clinton has been booked to speak a couple of hours later.

The double bill. (not that Bill - I've already seen Bill speak, by the way. And Al Gore)

Yeah, for a political junkie, this is pretty much as good as it gets.

(The kids get to take the day off school without absence because the schools have confirmed they consider this an educational event)

----

I will apologise if my unabashed emotion rubs anyone wrong - especially if you are a Hillary supporter.

I can only speak to how I feel.

I figured Hillary was the deal for years now. I was proud and happy to look forward to seeing her win the nomination and the Presidency.

And then I saw that speech.

Sorry

Hope trumps

I've never seen anyone quite like him

Because, you see, I believe that hope and dreams are real

I believe that hopes and dreams are deliverables

I think that sometimes words are enough

If he is a half-assed capable President - and i believe he will be more than that - and he can stir people's hearts

give young people a reason to buy into the system

make people who think that there is no way out of what we've dug ourselves into as a whole western society and culture

if he just delivers belief

that's enough for me

because i just can't live on cynicism and realpolitik anymore

Monday, March 31, 2008

The Trail (Part 2)

Son (yesterday), on the way to pick up daughter from the charter bus (she was returning from her ethnic dance festival) - I had said that I didn't think things had gone quite as well as I had hoped for... we had supper over at Smitten's with her and her two kids. Made fresh rolls (Vietnamese fresh rolls - rice wraps, noodles, shrimp/vegetation, other stuff)...

Son: "Actually, from my perspective... and maybe its just me... but I thought it went pretty well. Everyone in my life - with maybe the exception of you... and [Smitten] and stuff - are insane. Emo or insane - or both... my friends, and mom, and stuff... So it was kind of nice to have just a normal supper. With no freak-outs, or weird shit, or warnings and feelings of impending doom... So, no, i dunno, maybe you felt something different - but i thought it was pretty good. i liked it."

----

I picked son up late friday night from his friend's house. He was exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. We stayed up awhile and talked and just hung out.

i could tell he was really on the edge. not edgy - but on the edge. edge of collapse and ability to cope. he still denies anything is taking a toll on him - though his denials are getting more feeble.

i just stayed with him. he played his game. i surfed the net and yakked here and there - some serious topics, some not - did some dishes - made sure he had some nutritious and healthy food. drank water. he slowly wound down enough that he agreed to go to bed something around 12:30am

----

saturday i woke him up at 2 in the afternoon. i let him numb his mind on his current favourite game - grand theft auto: vice city (on the PS/2 I talked about awhile back). he doesn't need anyone shitting on him for being slack. why? what the hell else did he have to do? maybe a little homework, but otherwise all he needed to do was sleep and feel safe and secure.

after an hour or two a made him get up and shower. took him out for supper. we went to an indian place. cost a little more than i wanted, but he likes indian and i wanted to see some colour in his face.

he's so pale. his skin is white, white, white. sickness white. ghostly white.

his complexion is pretty bad too.

after eating - i ordered it between medium and hot - the blood was flowing and he was pretty happy. we toodled off to the movie store and got a couple of movies.

my whole intent was to just make him feel safe and secure in an undemanding environment.

he was happy - i was bugging him about how much he ate and the look of slightly satisfied pain he had from having eaten a bit too much. he had quite the sheepish grin - much like a little kid when you've bundled them into a bed after they complained they didn't want to go to bed, but they were tired.

we watched the movies, made our comments about them, and just hung. around 1:00am we went to bed.

i found out the next day that he had not been able to go to sleep. he tried. he wanted to go to sleep. but his body wouldn't let him. he described not being able to find any comfortable position. having prickly skin. having muscles that demanded to be moved. a heart that began racing.

i told him he was having an anxiety attack. he said "no - not like that. i'm not explaining it right. i was getting angry. like when [boyfriend] Bob lost it on me. i was at the edge of throwing everything away. of just 'poning him. of just busting loose and breaking things and hitting people"

i said that while he was angry - it was still essentially the same kind of emotional event as an anxiety attack, and had the same kind of root causes

that i would see about getting him some relaxation therapy classes to help deal with it - not that it would do much, but it might take the edge off sometimes

----

i talked to son on friday night about what he had told me about his sister thinking that maybe she'd be moving in with me full time (read last post).

i talked to him more about why it would be better for him to move in with me than with his friends.

i talked a bit about the logistics of such a move and about some of the changes and choices that would have to occur if we were all in the same domicile all the time.

when presented with some ideas around his mother's reaction to both her kids leaving and how to potentially deal with that all (if it came to pass), he said "yeah - and i'd wanted to try and repair my relationship with her..."

he talked about maybe staying with her to try to help her through her meltdown if daughter left. i asked her how he thought that would work out. asked him how he thought he might do - given that i had tried to fix his mom for 20 years (20 years, one week and one day [as of today]). asked him if he believed that his strengths and abilities in that area would succeed any better than mine.

asked him what he thought the effort of trying to save his mother would do to his own survival.

told him he didn't need to abandon her, just asked him to face the reality of how it would work out.

i discussed further how the mechanics of him and his sister moving out would work. he hadn't even considered that he could go stay with his mother for a weekend, or visits. the kids are both thinking in awfully final terms. i am trying to mediate/moderate their experience. to temper the terrible siuation they are in - and the terrible spot they have been put in.

i told him that even if he did choose to stay with her, or help her work through things, that i would support him and offer him shelter.

i asked him to go in with his eyes open wide on the possibility of success - and about what it would do to him as a human being. pointed out what had happened to his sister. asked him if he was prepared to give up a chunk of himself to make peace - or if being in a constant battle would help him or her.

he accepted that there was essentially nothing he could do. that wishing wouldn't make it better. that he knew how it would work out. and that eventually he would move out, because he would fight and "battle her" because he will not accept her crap. and that it would have been wasted effort and pain from the beginning, because she won't change.

i told him that he could spend time with her - enough to be with her, but not enough to damage him - he could love her, but needed to accept that she was who she was - that he needed to accept that his mom was broken and that only she could make the choices to fix herself.

and that none of us had the tools or ability to fix her. that only she - with professional help that was far beyond our capability - could fix herself.

that it was like the time his uncle had nearly drowned - and had started pulling his children under in a panic to save himself when they went to rescue him. (his legs had gone paralysed - what happens when you drink Rye Whisky in the hot sun all day and then jump in a cold assed lake... BTW, another brother-in-law jumped in and saved him).

i asked him if he thought his mother was self-aware enough, or not selfish enough to avoid pulling him or his sister under - to avoid ruining their lives.

i pointed out that he was the child, not the parent, and that if his mother was outside of the situation, and lucid, she would give him the same advice.

he sadly accepted that he would have to look out for himself first.

----

i'm going for a job interview on thursday

it's only a six month term right now

it will be extended if i meet pre-specified goals

it pays about $1000.00 more per month than my current job, but offers tremendous entre into the upper reaches of the IT world in our jurisdiction.

as one of my co-workers (and confidante) said "If there was ever a position made for you it's this one, [Cadbury]. if you don't want the job, give them my name - anything to escape the insanity of this place"

it is also only 3-4 days a week in the initial 6 month term. it would go full time at around $30K more a year than i make right now if i meet the goals. i can make those goals.

i don't want to do what i'm doing anymore.

i believe in the cause, but not the people i work for. they are self-interested pricks who don't deserve the mantle and name of our movement. and they don't deserve my efforts and support.

i expect that attitude may percolate up into the work situation described last post, even if i try to be polite and professional.

for the record, all of the staff (including my boss and the office manager) have the same opinion of the current crew we work for. some of them are decent as individuals, but as a group are just appallingly... um, limited.

i discussed the situation with my parents and they approve of my plan - and recognise (and offered) that they will be on the line to hold my head above water if things go sideways.

Mom and Dad are true believers from a long way back. They have the same opinion of the current crew as we staff do. Mom doesn't hold a party card any more, but Dad still does.

If I leave i will receive a severance/buy-out of something over 8 months salary. All of the staff were offered the buy-out after the election. It is still pending and open 'til June.

I intend to finalise my Linux and Microsoft certification while on my 6 months if I get the job. If I don't get my term extended I will go back to university. I can get my computer science certificate in two 4 month semesters (using credits from my unfinished degree). That will leave me with a little room at the end - especially if I am frugal - to get a new job. Unlike many parts of the U.S. our economy here is booming - we have a terrible labour shortage - especially for IT people. I would be almost assured of getting a job immediately - others who got punted after we lost the election (who were IT people) got jobs in less than 3 weeks. These were young guys without 20 years experience (like me).

My parents support the idea of me going back to school and have said they would back-stop the other end.

I am still considering things, but my mind is pretty much made up.

The only thing that causes me pause is that it would affect my ability to get a house. But all I really want is an extra bedroom. I am looking into whether I can rent a townhouse, or - god forbid - see if Mom and Dad will co-sign because i would be not in a permanent job at that point. That would, of course, assume that my settlement was done...

and that's a whole separate ball of wax

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Trail (Part 1)

It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote here. I have been visiting your blogs on a half-assed basis, trying to stay current, even if not participating.

It's been a long couple of weeks riding the trail.

Not sure where that trail is going right now.

So, what's going on?

The stbx is going increasingly unstable. It is taking a lot of time and psychic effort to assist my kids and to stay fully anchored for their sake.

I have been headhunted for a job. The executive director of a high-tech industry association.

I got a disciplinary letter from work saying I was slack, shoddy, and disinterested (nonchalant) in my work (the quick summary of two pages).

One of the worst moments came when I went back to my office after the initial hour long meeting about the letter. I had just sat down and was trying to keep myself composed. The letter and the meeting had come right out of the blue - no expectation of it whatsoever. And my daughter called. Called to talk to me about her mother and the pressure and anxiousness daughter feels. Daughter is having trouble coping with her mother's instability and increasingly irrational behaviour and outlook on life. It took every bit of my being to not allow my voice to crack or to betray how I was feeling. To keep myself stable and calm and reassuring for daughter.

I am grieving the letter and the points it makes. I have challenged the way that my boss and the office manager have characterised the incidents they discuss in the letter. Resolution is currently bound up within the grievance process. I am making sure that I behave in a way that is unassailable.

One criticism is my arrival time. My office manager has hated my flex hours arrangement with my previous boss for the entire time I have worked there. She does not consider my flex hours reason (getting kids off to school in the morning) to be valid. She is angry and resentful that she had to do it all those years (she's in her late 50s) and still get to work at the appointed hour. She is angry that I am getting a "special privilege" because I'm a man. Even though flex hours is in our contract. She is mad because on of the other people (a woman) did not get granted flex hours when she requested it. The lady requesting it had as part of her specific job duties to open the office in the morning... at 8am. So the former boss said no to flex for her.

I would stay until later. But in the office manager's eyes, only the 8am start time counts.

So she revoked my flex and i was late a few more times - including for medical appointments - that's part of the grievance. No one else has been disciplined for coming in after 8am (arrivals go from 8 'til about 8:15am). Again, part of the grievance.

Also, they said I had missed/not completed a couple of pieces of work. I had handed them off to co-workers because I was working on a network problem. I have no direct supervisor right now, and had made my own judgments because my boss was unavailable.

Also, as we have re=formed in our new status as an office - all the roles have changed - and the job descriptions remain the same. I essentially have no list of duties right now. All but two of the things that they complained about are nowhere described in the contract or in any list of duties.

I should note that I am not perfect, and that they are within their rights and within reason to speak to me about the issues they did. They can ask for better performance (especially on the 8 am arrival time) - but part of that improved performance counts on them providing better direction.

They agreed that my counterpoints had validity and committed to doing better at providing guidance and direction. That they would actually give me a list of things they consider to be my duties. As I said in one of the meetings "I accept that i may have appeared to be wandering aimlessly - because I am. But that's because I have no idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm just guessing. That's why I've wandered into each of your offices for sometime now, on at least a weekly basis and asked you what my role in our new structure is. Pieces of my old job have been moved around to other people - and I'm OK with that - but how can you give me shit when I don't even have a list of job duties? I'm not going to accept any formal discipline or formal complaint until I know, in writing, what I am responsible for."

They committed to giving me better direction, duties in writing, and a written list of priorities - as well as committing to being available when I need a decision made on conflicting priorities - and giving me written authority to make my own decision when they are (as they often are) unavailable.

The grievance process will be a long one - and will likely involve the revision of our collective agreement.

----

The kids are shellshocked.

They have this terrible haunted look in their eyes.

I feel awful for them.

Daughter has begun discussing an endgame that would see her live full time with me. Son has been talking about moving out with his friends - I'm trying to assist him in thinking through that sort of a decision - which would be a bad one for him.

On a personal level - family level it's quite draining.

I will discuss some fo these details later.

----

As mentioned I've been headhunted - not a perfect scenario, but one that would see me out of the current volatile work situation I'm in, and into another...

I'm going for an interview and thinking things through

more on that later.

----

That's it for now

this post turned out to be longer than i had first thought

i am heading out with son to do a few errands

daughter is away in another city at an ethnic dance festival.

Friday, March 14, 2008

"charity dinner"

Daughter and Son had agreed they would tell their mother where they were going.

When it came right to the point of telling her daughter blinked and told their mother they were going to a charity dinner. Son wasn't happy but followed his sister's lead.

The birthday dinner was good.

I thought they had followed through on the plan. I found out tonight they had not.

Even though I was supportive of dodging the bullet, once that I had brought myself to the mental and emotional place needed to support the kids through the shit storm, I was a little deflated by the turn of events.

Monday, March 10, 2008

voicemail and conversation with son

i get home this morning from Smitten's. There is a voice mail from daughter. She is telling me that her mother is not home. It's almost midnight when the message was left. Daughter did not call me on my cell (i have since given explicit instructions [again] to call me on my cell because i might not be home).

Son calls me after school, tells me that their mother left. Said she was going for a pack of smokes. Gone for 2 1/2 hours until 12:30 a.m.

the kids were concerned about her. they don't know whether she's dead, or has followed through on her abandonment threat. They stay up waiting.

they call her sister, they call boyfriend bob - neither has heard from her. she didn't take her cell phone.

She comes home. They challenge her. she says "oh, i forgot my cell phone", son points out she could have used a payphone...

She launches into some shit she's read in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (some book - i think by him - i'll confirm...). She keeps the kids up until 1:30 a.m. engaged in some psycho drama.

This is on a Sunday night. That would be a school night. And then when son doesn't make it to school today, she comes home and bitches at him.

I am at a loss for words.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Battletoads

some excerpts from an email exchange with Smitten (names removed - if you spot one send me mail right away, please)

yes - the subject line of that email was the same as the title of this post

this is in regard to a birthday dinner for her son - a dinner that got rescheduled from last wednesday to this monday - a day that is when my kids are with their mother.

i had discussed the option of them either obfuscating or flat out lying about where they were going with me

---- Me ----

talked to the kids about a "cover" story for monday

suggested the political fundraiser idea

Son said

"i vote for the truth and when she starts to bitch, i tell her to ---- my ----. and when she whines about it afterwards, i battle her. i don't need to take her shit!"

I pointed out that Daughter has to live through this too, and might not be as comfortable as a battletoad

Daughter chimed in with this view

Son said "Then when she bitches at Daughter, I battle her again!"

Daughter said "but you're not always there, Son."

Son said "Then i battle her again, and make her life so miserable she never attacks you on it again, Daughter. And then i battle her again the next time. I don't care about what she says anymore. I view confrontations with her as more of a sport."

I left it with the two of them to work out how they felt. i will discuss it again to see what resolution might be gained.

---- Smitten ----

Wow, that is interesting.

It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
knowing the consequences.
And in the end he is right - she will eventually stop her crap and just
have to accept life the way it is.
But there will be some pain along the way.
If everyone knows what the pain will be and is willing to work through it, making coping strategies and defences, then it is worth it. Well worth it actually.

Hmmm

From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.
And now he is.

---- Me ----

> It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
> knowing the consequences.
> And in the end he is right

yeah - he is right

i was trying to ease things for Daughter

i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way

lying and pirouettes worked for me to ease the immediate pain of most encounters in my life

> From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to
> unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do
> the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.

he didn't model/learn it from me in my personal life and dealings

maybe in dealings with the school or outsiders, but not close to home

> And now he is.

yeah

self-confidence and surety will do that for a person

whether it's innate strength, or having been sheltered from being torn down by those you love

it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does

to not care what anyone says about him

even if it leaves him alone
(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

----

my Dad said to me

"You seem to be prepared to mix it up with your opponents in your student politics - at the drop of a hat - but don't seem to be able to to do that with [stbx-Mrs_C]. You seem to have some trouble standing up for yourself when it's in your personal life."

there is an irony to the source of that statement

----

but,

perhaps part of it is also protectiveness

perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I

maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

---- Smitten ----

> i was trying to ease things for Daughter

> >i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way

You are a natural protector - and that is strength. Of course you want to ease things for her - you are her father and you care. She is still a little girl who is influenced into doing things she doesn't want to do just because she is young, and that is unfair.

Perhaps some of your reflexes are that you know what it is like to be where she is, and no one protected you

Over this past year Son has learned not to fear the wrath of "mother". He is seeing her with adult eyes which is liberating. She does not have the power over him that she once had (nor over you) and he is freed from being a victim. He now has power and is relishing it (e.g. the comment about confrontation as a sport). I see this as a positive. He is fighting back and is on the other side of the pendulum where he may want to get a bit of revenge.

Is that wrong?

Maybe yes, maybe no... but to find his middle ground and understand his own boundaries, it has to be done. Either now or later.

Each victim must face their abuser and take back their personal power. How each person does it is different, and Son is doing what feels right for him.

Sounds like he wants to stop the bullshit and the lies and face things straight on. He is tired of her abuse and knows that tip toeing around it will not change it. He no doubt has tried different methods over this past year and has come to the conclusion that no matter what he does or how he does it will change her behaviour, so why should he try so hard? He may understand that to tolerate abuse and to let her manipulate the household is license to let it continue. And he does not want that.

And he knows he has you as mental and physical refuge. And that my dear is what is giving him his own strength to deal with his abuse and heal. You did not have that advantage.

As for you and your strength - it is a different path and process for you. You are also confronting people/things that you would have not done before. From what you have shared, the "lying and pirouettes" are not an automatic response for you anymore. (?)

---- Smitten ----

> it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does.
> >to not care what anyone says about him
> >even if it leaves him alone
> >(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

As you have said, he is a different kind of person. He has the abilities to make friends and conform to the norm but chooses not to. [a non-conformist coworker of Cadbury's] seems to be doing just fine.

> >but,
> >perhaps part of it is also protectiveness
> >perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I
> >maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

Perhaps. But he also saw that the protecting had a limit. It couldn't stop everything and someone always lost in the end (in this case you). Another guess is that he has already been as hurt as much as he can be. So what has he got to lose?

He has a trump card and wants to play it.
There is no better time to play it than on Monday when he can bring her arch enemy into it.

And another thought is that he has seen Daughter start to protect herself. He sees the strength building within her.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Overwhelmed, Shit, and Procrastination

Work is winding up. We have two major periods in the year and this is the bigger one. It is about 3 months long. The other one is in the fall.

We barely survived the one last fall - and it was only 2 weeks long. Now we were just a few weeks out of the election and 2 weeks after moving offices, but it was still a hell of a ride for those 2 weeks.

We have 5 more staff for this sitting, but we have a much longer period to cover, and a lot more going on than last fall.

The demands have been ratcheted way up in terms of tech work. I no longer even do much communications and writing - little strategy. I hate being the guy who just plugs stuff in and fixes peoples "my computer won't work" bullshit problems.

It's not what i signed on for - i hate being relegated here, but i'm the only one who can do what i do. not quite true, but the other guy who knows what to do on tech is the only one that knows all the rules of the house and is in charge of that element of the office - he's the staff quarterback for the next 3 months.

I am trying to find my happy place doing what i'm doing.

I have been given one piece of research, but it has been left languishing while i solve the inevitable every day computer/network crisis.

It doesn't help that the client group are for the most part full-on egomaniacs. I suppose that's what you have to be to put yourself out for that much public judgement. This group is worse than most. They may be my team, but they're mostly assholes (2/3 anyway). I've been around this type of folks for my whole life, but this group is the most self-absorbed i've ever seen.

by next time around (4 years from now) i hope to *ease* a bunch of them into retirement from this life - by challenges if nothing else works...

----

i have way to much to do at work

----

i have little mindspace left. i read your blogs BTW - i just have nothing in me to comment. i apologise. even less to post here.

in fact i am just posting right now out of guilt, and to avoid doing my next task. i feel like it will never end and have begun avoiding stuff i'm supposed to do.

it's a bad character trait of mine when i am drowning in shit/overwhelmed

slough until the deadline becomes almost impossible to avoid

i've tried to shake it over the years and have gotten better, but it still rears its head sometimes

it's weird though - i have had more on my plate at various times and have taken care of it handily and with good humour

but sometimes i just suck

like now

----

it's one of those things that Smitten keeps telling me

don't agree to do anything you don't want to do. don't allow people to make you feel obligated until you finally give in and do something

----

i have a bunch of stuff to do for a couple of weeks from now for my daughter's ethnic dance group. big festival coming up

i am/have been sloughing a job i should do (volunteer co-ordination)

it will cause problems

i'm aiming to finish the job by late this afternoon/early evening

as usual, i am good at what i do, and should be able to pull the fat out of the fire. but maybe not this time...?

----

i haven't been sleeping well over the last couple of months

the snoring

headaches, muscle problems, fibromyalgia flare-ups

winter sucks too

sucks my soul and my spirit

----

i have little enthusiasm for anything

----

as you know, daughter has been coming over to my place for her weeks with me

stbx has been trying to interpose herself in this.

stbx has been proposing different arrangements to the kids. month on/month off. daughter a week with her and son with me, then switch - so we'd always have a kid with each of us - both kids have rejected that option from the get go.

stbx doesn't want to ever be alone...

stbx has been trying to get me to talk to her. i have been putting her off now that i am aware again of her latest tactics.

i know that some of you (like Sicilian and Smitten) have warned me in the past about allowing myself to be sucked in by her and her methods to get me trapped in discussions - but i am a trusting fool. I also start with the belief that people are sincere - and easily forget and forgive/let go when crossed (how i survive my profession/employment i don't know. Smitten says i willingly self-delude. that as a hopeless romantic and true believer in a better world, that i am unwilling to see the ugly parts of the world around me...

[now it's 2 hours or so after i started this post - i got called out to troubleshoot some systems]

which is strange because i have to wrestle in the muck in a really sordid way every single day in my job function - i'm the [or was - and i guess still am] the opposition research guy. it's my job to be cynical and ugly).

anyway - it always takes me off guard every time she finds a new way to suck me into conversations. i never quite wise up to it until a few conversations in...

i'd like to think that now i will be able to avoid stuff for awhile because i have re-concluded that i will have nothing to do with her for any reason except for "i will drop them off here or there" or "is [son/daughter] there?" on the phone.

----

daughter has been going straight to my apartment after school. sometimes a short stop at the house on the way. she is trying to avoid the stbx. last night they went to the house to watch a movie with son's friend who is still living there...

they said there was something really weird in the stbx's behaviour that freaked them both out. they said she was nicer than usual but there was something really weird they didn't like. they didn't want her around them and her presence caused them serious distress

i asked them about it for some period of time (40 min) in an effort to help tham understand what they were feeling, but didn't make much headway. they were active participants in the emotional examination, because they were trying to figure it out too. but we couldn't. hopefully this doesn't mean she is going to go all murder/suicide on them...

----

i have been headhunted for a job. i am in informal discussions with the folks. it would pay about 30K a year more than i make now. it would be for a one year term, with success based extension possible. it is executive director of a high tech industry association.

i talked to my boss about getting a year's leave of absence from my job and he said he would do it (we [staff] are all watching out for each other's backs as we got through the transition to our new station in life as on office. the client group is a little, um, fickle. we watch out for each other...

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i need to go home now because now it's hometime

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Sweetened Coconut

When we were still co-habitating my stbx would go through these periods of sugar craving. I've talked about it before. She would need alcohol, sweets - chocolate, candy, cookies, sweet fruit bars - whatever.

Sometimes she would desire her drink so bad she would scour the cupboards for whatever she could find. She just had to have one. Because I didn't like her drinking, I wouldn't keep us stocked with any alcohol. There would be a couple of bottles with something in them - Bristol Cream Sherry (for cooking), sometimes that sauterne cooking wine from the food sections, a bottle of home brew her Dad gave me (serious white lightning) - that sort of thing. Nothing that was really a drink you can enjoy.

She would need her drink and she would finally pull out one of those and have a shot. And then bitch at me when I got home that there was nothing to drink or that what she had chosen sucked (the implication being that it was my fault she was not well served). often she would pour herself this drink while she was on her friday off (every two weeks earned day off) and in the middle of a cleaning frenzy. She would announce that she deserved a drink. I have always hated the deserve a drink thing. You either want one or not. It is not a reward or an entitlement. That sort of attitude - deserving a drink - strikes me as someone with a drinking problem.

Did I mention she would never buy alcohol herself? She did a couple of times in the 20 years when we were going to someones place, but otherwise I would be dispatched to buy any booze. Not her.

With sweets she would scour for anything that would fulfill her need. My raisins (cooking) were never safe. Not dates, not dried fruit, not anything. Not even nuts. Hell, she'd even drink the juiceboxes and fruitbars I would buy for the kids' school lunches. Then I'd be short of juiceboxes or have to make an extra unplanned trip to the store to get new ones. That really made me mad - we had a couple of fights about juiceboxes. I figured she could at least be considerate enough to leave me enough for lunches. i would compensate by buying a swack of juiceboxes (then i'd get bitched at because they took up too much room in the pantry...).

Lots of times she would whine or otherwise inveigle me to go out at midnight to the corner store and buy something for her sweet craving.

The kids tell me that things haven't changed and that she still will score their stuff that they have bought for themselves and just eat it. Or that they will beg her to buy something for them - they will have one or two (like twizzlers) and then in the morning or the next day they will discover she has eaten the whole package.

The stbx would either whimper and whine or bag at me when there were no sweets in the house and she had a craving. To be nice to her I tried to make sure we were usually stocked. Then she would rip into me - especially after she gained some weight - that by buying these sweets I was making her fat. That I was to blame. I pointed out she could choose not to eat them. Her response was that I knew she had no self-control when sweets were in the house. I got sick of it and less inclined to buy them for her as things degenerated in our relationship.

Several times she ordered me to not buy anymore sweets because of her weight gain. Then she would get mad "I know I told you not to buy any, but that was then. I want some now."

I actually took a little pleasure in saying no. I told her if she wanted any she could put on her shoes and go buy them herself when she'd try to get me to go for a midnight run. Yeah - she'd do anything to avoid having to go get it herself. Even on shpping trips i would actually have take the stuff she wanted off the shelf and put it in the cart. She just couldn't admit to herself that she wanted/needed it.

Yeah - she would do anything. She'd raid the fridge for leftover rice and the closet for my raisins and make pseudo rice pudding with milk and sugar in the microwave.

There was lots of times she could have made something, but it would have taken time. And when she had a craving she wanted it now. Right now.

One time she had nothing that could be substituted. So she started searching the freezer and finally found a bag of six-month old sweetened coconut (from christmas baking). She pulled it out and started eating that.

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As a side note, the above behaviour is consistent with addictive personalities and their behaviour. Especially being prepared to take any kind of poor substitute for their need...

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She called me at work today.

She had gotten the letter from my lawyer about not talking to the kids about suicide or abandoning them.

She was oh so apologetic.

She started telling me how tough she had it and how she knew she made mistakes and blah, blah, blah. That her life was in a shambles since I left and she had no control over her emotion and this and that.

I told her she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and to start acting like an adult. That it was wrong that she would put the kids in a situation where they would have to call me because they were frightened.

She agreed but then headed off on the difficulties she was having with Son.

He constantly confronts her about her bullshit. Daughter has started doing so as well. stbx is bizarrely erratic and the kids call her on it. In that way they are taking stand where i didn't. I would always try to find some accommodation for whatever. The kids don't. Daughter said to me "I'm just not as nice as you, Dad." Son said "You always try to make things better and worry about other peoples' feelings. I just don't care. If someone is pulling some kind of mass faggotry I call bullshit!" (he's 16...)

Anyway, I was trying to reasonably work through some of the things she was saying about son and her problems. I was trying to make life less difficult for the both of them.

This ended up taking about 45 minutes...

I eventually ended the call because it was really going no-where.

When i got off the call I was in fine spirits and was actually kind of pleased that i had said some of the things i had said. i knew it had gone on a little long, but that is just an automatic by-product of dealing with her, so i didn't think much of it.

I was talking to Smitten on the phone later in the afternoon. I talked to her about some of the conversation, and how it had gone. that i was ok with it all - it hadn't rattled me like most stbx conversations do.

She said that it was positive for me personally that i had said the things that i did, but that she was sorry to say the extended conversation probably fed into the stbx's wants and needs.

i was all "huh?"

Smitten pointed out that the fact that she could keep me engaged and interested in talking to her for that long would have just fed into her needs cycle. that she knew she had been caught out on a major no-no with the lawyers and she was scouting out how i would react. that she was making sure i was still in exactly the place she wanted me - still willing to talk.

that because i was probably the only person in the stbx's whole life who took the time to listen to her and be truly interested in her, that the stbx got plenty of the warm fuzzies she needed from me. and that by keeping me talking she was feeding a need for warm fuzzies that i provide.

that set of statements hit me like a ton of bricks.

because it's true.

and i knew it immediately.

Smitten heard in my voice that i was a little rocked and said "I'm sorry to say these things, but I'm saying them from a professional observant standpoint, not as a girlfriend"

stbx isn't getting it from the guys at work, her family, or boyfriend bob.

she knew from past experience that she couldn't get me to engage on any other issues. only the kids. so that's where she went.

i will quote fromMonday, June 18, 2007 thoughts on garage conversations

i've been trying to figure out why stbx-Mrs_C would still drag me into the garage for those goddamned conversations even though i told her they were killing our marriage and our relationship.

i remember when i told her that in extremely strenuous tones she said (from really fast post, May 12, 2006:

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

that book i got - Surviving A Borderline Parent - talks about people with stbx-Mrs_C's behavioural characteristics. One of the things it talks about is the fact that they cannot generate enough feelings of self-worth within themselves. They rely on others for their feelings of emotional self-worth.

today's conversation?

6 month old sweetened coconut from the freezer

an addict in search of a hit. willing to take any substitute, no matter how poor a substitute it may be