email from my sister

me to her:

i would expect the gossipmonger will have advised you already, but this is official word from me

i am no longer at my employer

it was time to leave
[SNIP - the rest of the details that you blog readers already have]

----

her to me:

Yes, actually it was mom who told me, although I had no details and no idea when. Good luck in this - it is a big step, but it will pay off in the long run, and is an important model for your children about being brave enough to do the right thing even when it has costs... All the best, love you. [initials]

At least I think it is.

----

last day at work

this is my last day at work

3 months vacation and banked time from now (mid september) i will be terminated without cause and given a package - the agreement is signed and filed with and through the union

not sure how i feel

i'm sad to leave some of the people

i'm sad to leave politics - who knows if i will ever be back in the day-to-day game. it has been a lifetime

i still believe. that's part of the reason i'm leaving. the crew i work for don't believe. that's why we lost. that's why they are directing fire inward instead of fighting the good fight outside.

even earning less, i was happier in my work running my own business some 10 years ago...

i have left the protective cocoon of my marriage. i have left the protection of my parents - i still have their support, but they are no longer strong enough to protect me - nor do i need them to protect me. i am leaving my workplace and the extended (dysfunctional) family of my party and politics

standing on the edge of tomorrow

this is sort of like the action movie moment when the protagonist (like James Bond are Arnold) jumps out of one plane without a parachute to get to the other plane...

damn

giving up a pretty good paying job to go back to school...

hoping expecting to find a job when i'm out. i know i'm really, really pretty good at what i do... but i have been unemployed and underemployed so often. and told i suck so often that i am still second guessing myself

here's the plan:

get the computer science certificate

get a job - preferably with a bank

when my kids are out of school and on to university/tech school apply for a job at one of the canadian banks that operate in the Caribbean and move there. a friend of mine did it going to the cayman islands - he was a lawyer - so even less useful than a computer guy

more blithering later - the other staff are taking me for lunch

all men are evil... women are good and gentle and kind...

(hugely longwinded rambling warning)

some salient quotes from my post why did you take it? why did you take it again and again?

(re-reading the above linked post will fill in additional background context for this post - it is not necessary to understand the post, though)

"The ladies were always the ones who would get things prepared and make sure the function would happen. The men would stand around talking and being important. Self important. They weren't particularly nice to me. The ladies were. I would hear the ladies complaining about the schnooks they were married to, and how they all went for the glory, while the women did all the work. It was the ladies who trained me in politics. The men provided the intellectual cover and framework, but it was the ladies who actually did the work that got shit done.

I swore I would never be a man like that. I would be the guy who did all the stuff, and who was sensitive to their needs, and helped - participated."

"I was in contact with women who were feminist leaders in Canada and the U.S. I liked them. I liked strong women. I could never stand simpering incompetent girly-girl crap. I still like attractive women, though - I'm not into the frump zone.

I hated it when my parents argued. I swore I would never do that. I would be even tempered and try to be always polite and considerate.

I read Playboy. I read The Erogenous Man. I read article after article about being a sensitive and giving sexual partner. I swore I would be that.

I read all my Mom's women's magazines. I read the articles about how men should really be. About what women really want in a man. I swore I would be that.

I would be the perfect man. Always giving. I am a large white male born to privilege. As I have grown I have developed a deep voice and a commanding and relatively powerful presence. I have guilt about that.

I swore I would never be an instrument of patriarchy. That I would fight to make white patriarchal society more egalitarian."

from Tattoo (part 2)

"By being the anti-asshole I could meet the mark set in women's magazines and books (and in Playboy) for the perfect male. I would be "the man all women desire". Polite, pleasant, considerate, nice - to a fault.

Then women would like me."

from Tattoo (part 1)

"In an interview about her 1981 movie tattoo Maud Adams said "The tattooing in this movie is a metaphor for what happens in a relationship. Except you can see it outside instead of just having the inside of your head tattooed.""

my Mom on why she insisted we learn to cook and perform household duties:

"Because there's no way you're going to be as useless as your father"

my grandmother to my Mom, on household activities, when Mom married Dad:

"I've done the best with him I could... He's in your hands now"

----

I was talking to Smitten a week or so back. We were discussing our perspectives on feminism - on the role it played in the ideological underpinnings and the mood of Hillary Clinton's campaign. This was following some discussions I had been having with my kids on the topic of the Democratic primaries [later edit](for what it's worth, we're all Obama fans - including Smitten).[/later edit]

I was discussing how mad I was at the kind of attitude I had been running into with a number of women - including my mother - who viewed Hillary's potential success as an extension of their own life battles. That if Hillary won it would be striking a blow for all the shit they had taken in their lives.

I argued that while that might be the case, people who push for women candidates to gain office solely on the grounds that they are women are committing a logical and ideological fallacy. That a woman like Margaret Thatcher, for example, did more to set back women's rights and advancement by her policies than her advancement as an individual did for women. That policies must count as much as gender when looking at women's advancement (just to underline it - I do not believe Hillary is a Margaret Thatcher - that was just an extreme example of a woman leader with non-women friendly policies). In my political party a decade or two back we elected a woman leader nationally - the line used on the convention floor was "It's time for a woman". She was new - a blank slate that people wrote their own projections onto. No history in elected office prior to her election 2 years prior. She was awful. A complete disaster. We subsequently elected a second woman as leader - one who was competent and rebuilt from the disaster.

"It's time for a woman" doesn't cut it for me - not then - and not now. Gender is not the sole qualifier for anything (I say this as an ardent proponent of equity hiring policies and practices, though).

But all of that is a bit of a tangent to the original point of this post...

As we discussed some of the statements that had been made by Clinton supporters Smitten showed me a paper she had written on the topic of feminism in one of her social psychology classes. She talked about the methodology she used to do the interviews. She talked to her friends - she talked to her friends about their attitudes and whether they were feminists - her definition was something to the effect of: A feminist is someone who believes in equality of opportunity between genders socially, economically, and [something else - spiritually i think].

(her paper and words were more sophisticated than the above - but this is from memory)

She did a lot of gender role analysis.

She found that neither her, nor her friends and family were quite as liberated as they thought. Even (especially) some of the women who said they were post-feminist - that society had progressed to the point that feminism/women's rights wasn't needed anymore.

Smitten had two agendas - one was to complete her paper, and the other was to subtly propagandise her friends and family into rethinking their gender roles and ideas.

In our discussion one element of her approach stood out. That she was primarily talking about women. About women's actions and self concepts.

I pointed out that it was a pattern for her. That she was tougher on women than on men. I used a couple of examples between her son and daughter. I suggested that part of it was because the men in her life had been pretty useless clods - father (abandoned her), mother's various useless/alcoholic boyfriends, various useless boyfriends Smitten had, and her ex-husband (her husband was less useless from a functional standpoint - just emotionally absent). She said that men were so intimately absent from her life and her knowledge that she wouldn't know where to begin to give men advice about being men... That she knows what women are capable of - but that men are really a mystery.

Still

Her analysis

No man bashing

This was completely new to me.

Most of the feminist analysis I have encountered to date has been man bashing. Some of it has been bashing man bashers.

I have encountered essentially none that focused on women and their self-concept and self-identity.

It was a new thing for me. Feminism that didn't require guilt on my part.

I don't know how to underline that strongly enough. Analysis that was not based in the "male as oppressor/aggressor", "all men are potential rapists" school of thought.

I thought about where my head had arrived at that spot - I talked about trying - ever since I was a little kid - to be the kind of male my mom wanted my Dad to be - drank in all those criticisms. The kind of man that my Baba and Grandma wanted to see (strong women - strong feminists [for their time] - as a young woman grandma was an active suffragette for a couple of years until women got the vote) The kind of man that all those ladies I worked with as a child - listened to their conversations - the kind of man they wanted to have around. To not have the characteristics that those men had - especially the anger and aggression - especially the bullying and the put downs - the constant put downs. Their criticisms of men mirrored my own experience as a child with boys and men (teachers) at school - what a bunch of miserable assholes - mostly mean - constant bullying and denigrating (except for two male teachers in grade school). Even our priest (Catholic School) was a miserable alcoholic bastard.

My Dad was nicer - but still bullied and intimidated to get his way. He was progressive for his day, but still did many subtle and not-so subtle put-downs... Yeah - I dare say that I can catch the subtle innuendo of sexism as fast as any woman can - I learned to identify it early - hanging onto the fingers of the ladies - standing with the top of my head barely above the counter in those community hall kitchens - and as I grew - adolescence - teen years - young adult - still helping in the kitchens - and setting up the halls - doing the stuff they had to bag at the men to do - the men would grumble about the nagging - I was the boy/man who just helped - it was my role - then they didn't have to bag at their husbands.

I'm still trying to be the answer for all those women - maybe if I'm perfect in my gender relations it will give hope to my Mom and any of those ladies that are left alive. Hope that someday things will change. Hope to my wife and all her pain. Hope to my sister. Hope to my daughter.

Hope

I'm all about hope

Dream no little dream

Smitten told me that was an enormous burden to carry - that answering for all men was perhaps a little larger task than one person should undertake.

She asked me if I had ever talked to my Mom about it - about how I felt and what I had tried to achieve - to fix things.

I haven't.

I hadn't really put it together coherently as above in one place before. I hadn't put all the pieces of the guilt and childhood intention together.

I was going to wait until I was off work to go talk to her. Pick a day when my Dad isn't around and go talk. Maybe reconciling my childhood ideas with her feelings will help either put things into perspective or perhaps allow me to achieve success. If I am not "as useless as [my] father" i will have achieved as much success as i need to... maybe.

----

I read a book the other day. Smitten lent it to me. Her brother had read it and thought it was quite powerful. Smitten hasn't read it yet. I thought it was a bunch of feel sorry for yourself, self-indulgent baby-boomer bullshit. It was Iron John: A Book About Men, a book by American Poet Robert Bly published in 1990. This is one of the books that you will hear comedians or movies make references to when they mock the idea of a group of grown men dancing naked around a fire to get in touch with themselves, and "talking sticks"...

(Smitten's brother is a baby boomer and fits the absent father profile the book is preaching to)

Anyway - Bly did have a couple of interesting ideas. His thesis is that men have lost their own culture - that they no longer transmit knowledge from old men to young men in ritual transfer of knowledge of what it means to "be a man".

He believes that men and women are different at a basic level.

Whatever you may think of some of the underpinnings of his ideas, or the hundreds of pages of bumph that he takes to say it (hey - he is a poet after all - and i do have a soft spot for poets - so i suppose he can be forgiven) - there are couple of ideas that hit home for me.

One of them was the notion that some men have tried so hard to reject their maleness, and have tried so hard to become women in an emotional sense, that they lose their identity and become something in between. Bly identifies men and maleness with the metal iron. He says that some men become copper - a conductor. They become a bridge or a channel for the women in their lives - and that these men become a conduit for the emotion from the women in their lives.

Bly on iron and copper - full text of the chapter

"What if we feel too young to inhabit the dangerous space between male and female? What if we don't like the fierce tension between straight and crooked and don't feel up to so many opposites? The child in a messed-up family may feel a ghastly tension between the addicted parent and the clean parent, between the cold of the angry father and the heat of the loving mother, or between the cold of the furious mother and the heat of the sorrowing father.

In such a situation it's relatively easy to give up iron work and take up copper work. A child can easily become a professional bridge. The child can become a conductor made of that good conducting metal, copper.

A man's copper work probably begins early by placing one hand on his father's wrathful chest and the other hand on the earth; or perhaps he places one hand on his mother's anguished heart and the other on the earth, or one hand on an adult's isolated head and the other on the earth.

The boy who becomes a conductor values himself for the complicated current that runs through his body, for his ability to conduct wrath to the ground by a quiet reply, for the self-sacrificing stretching out of his arms to touch each pole. Many of us know this sensation of conduction from early childhood: the mother and father talk to each other through the child. The shame of the alcoholic father, for example, goes through our body heading east, and the anxiety of the dependent mother goes through our body heading west. Fury and contempt pass each other, meeting somewhere in the son's or daughter's chest."

"When a man or woman becomes a conductor, the act of conducting gives us the sense that we are not shamefully narrow and limited, but that we have something for everyone."

"If a man has become copper as a boy, he will likely continue working with that metal when grown up. He may place one hand on the crown of his furious wife's head and the other hand on the earth. He may become a public apologist, conducting to earth-through his own body-centuries of justified female fury."

"The more the man agrees to be copper, the more he becomes neither alive nor dead, but a third thing, an amorphous, demasculinized, half-alive psychic conductor. I believe that a woman sometimes finds herself channeling the rage of dozens of dead women who could not speak their rage while alive. Conducting that rage is dangerous."

still at it

i got a call from my daughter last night at 11:30pm

she was in her room on the cordless - door closed under her covers - so her mother wouldn't hear her talking to me

her mother had been spazzing on the kids for quite some time that night (daughter says stbx has been ranting at them each night this week). talking about how she didn't want any responsibility and she was sick of it and she didn't want to be responsible for anyone or anything anymore. alternating between crying and screaming - from abusive accusations to sobbing begging for forgiveness and expressions of love from the children - none of which they wanted to give as they were the targets of the emotional typhoon

son was still engaged with stbx, but daughter had gone to her room to escape(her word) from it. daughter was close to tears all the way through the conversation. she kept repeating "I just don't know what to do".

I understand. i've been where she is. trapped and not knowing what to do - actually knowing what to do - to leave - but not wanting to

we talked for about half and hour. she left the call when she heard her mother coming upstairs.

she called me back a few minutes later to tell me that her mother had come into her room to ask for a hug (which daughter was terribly affronted by - daughter found intrusive and wrong - given the other behaviours stbx was still displaying) and to "explain" how she was feeling and why she had gone on this rant. daughter begged off as being "too tired" and stbx left. son challenged her for interrupting daughter's sleep and they were at it again.

stbx went out to have more cigarettes - she had been smoking heavily all evening - daughter said that her mother coming in stinking of cigarettes gave her a headache - i suspect it is actually tension related, but that is my opinion - i was just listening to daughter

stbx is always ranting about money (something she did constantly when we were together) even though she still spends freely on take-out and restaurant meals. daughter and son criticise her to her face about the $300 a month she spends on cigarettes (about $10 a pack here). she was ranting about it again last night too, daughter told me.

daughter said that her mother was immature. that she was acting like a five year old. that her mother had no control over herself or her emotions. that it was pathetic that she (daughter) had her shit together more than her mother. daughter that stbx was acting like daughter did in grade 3 - when daughter was in the midst of some girl school/playground social combat with "in-girls" and "in-groups"

daughter kept repeating she didn't know what to do or how to handle it. i tried to reassure her that she would be safe at my place in a couple of days.

in the morning i called son to wake him up.

i call every morning now. i bought him a phone dedicated for his room so that he will always hear the phone. he answered and said he would get up.

i called back to make sure son was still up. daughter answered too. i inquired and they said they'd both made it to bed/sleep around 1am

son called me back awhile later and told me he'd sat down "for five minutes" once he was ready and had fallen asleep - and would now be late for school yet again.

i can only hope that we can just make it through the next weeks until school finishes. i hope son can make it through the attendance hurdles he has to complete his year

i am still on the hunt for a house. perhaps if they really have the option of moving out they will take it. stbx is tearing them apart. she is doing the same thing to them now that she did to me and i know their pain

they are only children

i am talking to my lawyer again

i don't know how i can intervene. i was going to call back to interrupt the fight between son and stbx, but daughter was terrified that her mother would figure out that daughter had called me and that she would pay for it and never be allowed to get to sleep

again, from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

"Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "the techniques are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."

signed and delivered

Agreement on settlement signed with office. Effective mid September I will no longer be employed. On holidays until then.

Registration for university accepted and registered in first class July/August - 6 week class

Looked at houses - some look good. Need to find out whether parents will move on putting a bid on my favoured choice (favoured at this time).

class and house

registered for classes today. got re-registered at the university, then applied for my class for the summer - July/August. confirmation tomorrow or thursday.

went to look at some houses over the last few days. some affordable ones came open. not in the area i wanted - i wanted to be within walking distance of Smitten - this is a little outside of easy walk.

the area is on the edge of a not as swell area - but it is on the upswing. it is the area that will be next to get fully redeveloped.

my parents are offering to buy the house and i will rent from them and then buy it when the settlement comes. the settlement is still in its magic place between lawyers and court filings.

hopefully soon, says my lawyer.

the kids are pretty hopeful about me getting a house. son will probably be living with me full time by the end of summer. things are that bad with his mother. we'll see on daughter - it might happen with her too.

son is getting some relaxation training from his counsellor.

he had another bad breakdown the other night. we were up until about 3am...

he wasn't prepared to admit he was under stress - or that it should affect him. he just thought he should be able to deal with it. that it should just roll on by because he understands it in his head.

the counsellor is working with him on accepting his stress and his body's demands to deal with his emotions and the way they well up.

and other stuff - just not that inspired to write at this time

excellent post by AAG

Always Aroused Girl has an excellent post

"So many sins can be committed in the name of saving a loved one from pain. My experience tells me that this approach cannot work. It can’t save an alcoholic. It can’t change a child’s behavior. It can’t soothe the worry of a parent."

----

some other back ground on the above post: her parents found out about her non-standard method of income/employment (sex blogging/sex toy reviews/etc) and also read her blog.

the wrenching story of that moment can be found here (it is also linked to in the post above)

what was the moment you realised?

"what was the moment you realised when you were going to leave him? what was the moment when you got it? really got it?"

that was the question i asked Smitten

it followed a got it moment of my own

got it about the nature of stbx-Mrs_C

got it that she's ill

that she is really and truly fucked

i knew it before

have for awhile

but i didn't get it

there was always this bewilderment about why she would do the things she did - sort of like a child trying to understand why their parent was beating them, or a dog coming back for some pets after getting whacked around

the unanswered question of why?

and the answer is:

'cause

'cause she's fucked

it's just the way it is

i get it

there's no fixing, there's no change coming, there's no reasoning or solving, or anything

----

i'm such an eternal optimist

i cannot believe that anything cannot be fixed

that's part of the problem and part of the reason i was trapped

----

getting it first really hit me when she did her hawaii thing. then with her reactions after. then when i read some of the books i was reading.

i read the descriptions of BPD people - and the reactions of their family and spouses

one of the things that the walking on eggshells book talked about was how BPD people will alter facts to fit what they are feeling - that emotions rather than rationality create the facts of a situation

the BPD person cannot fathom how they can feel this way, so they change facts/memories to create a rationale for their feelings

----

i have always questioned myself - thought that i didn't get it. highly competitive family - parents who could always find something - some piece - wrong with everything i did - even if they were supportive - always something was missed or wrong. i picked friends who did the same thing to me. my wife did the same.

i feel different now

----

part of it is that my parents are less capable - with their respective infirmities - i cannot rely on them any more

my boss is gone - he always protected me

even stbx-Mrs_C was a security blanket of a kind - financially and her insistence that she was always correct - her insight into people (often very sharp - being beaten and abused as a child makes a person hyper-aware of others' moods and such - hey?) gave me the feeling that someone (her) actually knew what was going on

because i never felt like i got the world - that something was hiding from me

and when things didn't work out i could rely on others to tell me how the world really works - because people just didn't act the way i thought they should - i thought people should be sane - sane to my view of the world - i have found i am not in the majority when it comes to my worldview - that most people are just running scared and don't think much about what they do - they react - they don't try tot make things fit in grand philosophical frameworks and consistent ethical and behavioural structures

i have no protectors anymore

no one to shield me

so i have to stick my head up all by myself

i have to use my own eyes and order the world in my own way

a little daunting - but i have found my views to be accurate

that i am steady - even if i have to steady myself - hold myself up

i have discovered that i'm OK

----

i am the protector

i have children and others who rely on me

i am strong

my decisions are rational and precise - of quality - they reflect the world we live in today - not the leave it to beaver constructs of yesteryear

----

getting it - like when you are learning math. you do your first few problems by rote - by using the system you have been shown - you know it intellectually, but you don't get it. you get the right answer - but you feel a little panicked or anxiety that you really don't know how you got there.

and then one day you just get it. the knowledge becomes a part of you. you are fully confident in your ability because you know it - you get it

that's how i feel

that is why i wrote the blog post below - i am

i suddenly get it. i have no reason to doubt myself on the stbx front

i also realised the dysfunction of my workplace. i get it - the two realisations clicked at the same time - they are related

i have seized control - i do not have to question myself so much - i understand

----

there's more to the path of realisation that i will relate at some later point - but i don't feel like tracing that memory path at this time. i did some of that yesterday and it only brought me down from the high i had

brought me down from my feeling of capability, confidence, and surety

so i don't care to go there today

i may not go there much in the future

i imagine i will continue to examine my actions, thoughts, and emotions in a self-aware and self-questioning manner, but i feel different

it's like when i felt sexy for awhile (still hoping that feeling will come back) - it steeped my whole body - it was a bodily feeling

that is how i feel right now

surety and confidence permeate me - i sure hope it continues - i remember what happened to feeling sexy

but i get it

and i feel good

i do not have that deep questioning inside myself about whether i am just wrong like i usually do

i am confident and powerful

i am capable and assured

i am

i am confident and powerful

i am capable and assured

i have people in my life who love me for who i am

i have people in my life who believe in me the way i am

i have people in my life who find me capable and competent

there are people in my life who will help me because they like me and they believe in me

i will succeed

i will be who i am, and whom i dream of being

brainwashing

here's an interesting quote from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

"Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "the techniques are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."

interesting validation of some of my previous thoughts

Stockholm Syndrome And Being Rescued By My Son
Situation Update: March 10, 2006
Hell weekend - Part 4 (aftermath)
Traumatic Bonding
Desperation and Objectivity

kids counselling update

the kids have been to additional sessions

daughter 3 sessions - ms counsellor

son 2 - mr counsellor

son's counsellor and i talked after his second session (son was in the van a few feet away - had the window open a bit). i approached him with a book that i wanted him to review if he hadn't already read it. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. mr counsellor had read it. he told me that ethically he couldn't "treat" son as though his mother was BPD unless she had been diagnosed. i countered that even if she wasn't diagnosed, that she had those behaviours and that he could work with that. he agreed. he said that it matched what son had been telling him.

mr counsellor told me that son told him that son liked to "mix it up" with his mom. to debate her - to try to argue her into changing her behaviours. i told mr counsellor that son had plenty of years of modelling to follow watching me try to "fix" and help stbx - and that son's efforts to "fix" his mom were sincere. mr counsellor said "i think that's one of the points of that book your holding - you can't fix her". mr counsellor said he had been talking to son about establishing boundaries and just realising that son's mother was simply wrong in her behaviours and actions - that they were unacceptable and that he could say that - cal her on her behaviours.

mr counsellor told me that there had been a shift in son's attitude since the previous/first session. in the first session son seemed to be still asking himself what he could do to change, and thinking that he was in the wrong somehow - that if son changed in some way his mother wouldn't do what she does. this session son appeared to be saying "mom is the one with the problem - it's in her, not me"

mr counsellor said that he had begun working with son on how to define and establish personal boundaries - especially with his mother. mr counsellor told me that mr counsellor's sister is manic depressive and has these kinds of erratic behaviours. he has plenty of experience in boundaries with a loved one - he has to help his own family through the weird episodes - the cycles. mr counsellor said that one of his other sisters still doesn't get it and phones him every time the manic depressive one is "off" - and will listen to the manic depressive one rant on for hours. even the manic depressive says (after regaining lucidity) "why do you listen to me? you know that i'm having an episode, just cut me off"

mr counsellor is working with son on two things right now - boundaries and relaxation - the sleep issues. he said that son told mr counsellor that son is really happy to be working out and says that even these couple of weeks have really helped him (son).

daughter is still happy to go to ms counsellor. i went to each of these sessions this week with intent - to make sure that the counsellors knew what they were dealing with. i had identified my perception that stbx was BPD in the initial sessions, but i believed that they discounted it somewhat as just a bitter ex-spouse.

today i had daughter read a couple of segments out of the book (if you read the excerpt that is available on amazon through the link above you will see one of the checklists i had her read). i had read stuff from this book to the kids before, but it hadn't clicked. i had daughter read some - after she read the first bit (which i will excerpt below) she turned and gave me an exaggerated look of disbelief (humourous undertones) all wide eyed and shocked looking. she was all "oh my god!"

"Since you're reading this book, it's likely that your borderline parent:

- was so intent on getting her own needs met that she couldn't take care of yours - or perhaps even differentiate her needs from yours

- looked to you to provide him with unconditional love rather than the other way around

- either emotionally abandoned you or smothered and controlled you, leading to feelings of worthlessness, shame, and rage

- made you feel that she only loved you for what you could achieve, not who you were

- had unpredictable moods, alternating between loving and cruel words and actions"

she was kind of bowled over

i remember when i read the book the first time. i felt like i had been hit by a truck. i threw up after reading it.

when i raised that book and another one called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder" with ms counsellor, she asked "why are you showing me these? does it sound like anyone you know"

i said "perhaps [daughter] can answer that question - i just had her read these checklists"

ms counsellor said "i can kind of guess who it might be"

we both said yeah it sounded like the stbx

ms counsellor said that she had wondered if that was what was up with stbx

i left them for their session and wandered about

after the session i asked daughter if she was still good with ms counsellor. daughter said yes, but said she was much happier with today because in previous sessions ms counsellor had been saying things like "you have to understand how your mom was brought up" and "that's her background and that's why she says the things she does" - these comments were about the conflict daughter was having with her mom on clothing. conduct, and bi-sexuality. daughter tried to argue - said that it was different than that kind of thing - that it was simply because her mother was a "colossal dumbass". apparently ms counsellor was addressing daughter's issues more from a standard cultural/generational analysis.

not today

with those books beside her and daughter referring to the checklisted behaviour it put a whole new vector onto their discussion.

when i picked daughter up, ms counsellor said that next time they were going to work on some breathing and relaxation techniques and on daughter's anger

----

i see progress in both cases

i see real issues being addressed

turn and face the stranger

i told my workplace that i want to review their offer of a buyout

buyout?

mutually agreed upon separation

works out to around 11 months salary in the base scenario, plus whatever else i (or my union rep) negotiate into the package

why?

my workplace currently sucks. with little chance of redemption. vicious infighting and politics - and - i have one disciplinary action that has already been taken against me (under grievance) and they tried to toss another one on me today (also under grievance)

the various items that are under discussion are, in my opinion, trumped up. but that doesn't matter that much. i see a pattern, and it's a pattern i don't like. i work in a political workplace and this kind of maneuvering is de rigueur for politics. i'm on the wrong side of some people (some of our caucus) and they spend their time asking my boss about my work performance. and complaining if there is ever any tiny thing out of line with what they think is the way things should be done. or that they think is opening enough to poke me.

it's sort of like the greek gods - the worst thing a mere mortal could do is get the attention of the gods - whether they like you or not. in an environment where every day is maneuvering and jockeying for position - anyone who is under observation becomes a pawn in the game.

my boss has to respond. other staff who have made worse mistakes have not received warning letters or any such (i know because i am one of two shop stewards - and i am required to be notified of any disciplinary action in the workplace)

what's an example?

this last weekend i was requested to send out an opinion/editorial piece to the papers. the last time the biggest cheese (whose name was on it) had seen it was 2 weeks ago. the caucus and the big cheese had been making changes to all the other communications materials in the same package up until minutes before their release. that suggested to me that i should double check in case there was some nuance change that would come up in the piece that was unreviewed for two weeks

you see - our caucus can't make a decision to save their lives. they have been known to completely reverse themselves on an issue 3 times in a two hour period. it is a standing joke amongst our staff that if you don't like a decision, just wait fifteen minutes and it will change...

i tried to reach the big cheese. he was unavailable. i tried to reach my boss. he was unavailable. they were both gone from the office on friday.

i made a judgment call. i chose to wait until tuesday (it was a long weekend) to submit the op/ed. i called all the newspapers and the op/ed editors to alert them that a piece would be coming in - and how many words it was so they could block out space.

i waited until the big cheese or my boss was available so that i could confirm it was a go.

in my opinion the op/ed piece would not stale-date in 3 days

my opinion was, apparently, wrong

i got disciplined

since fall - since the election and losing government i have progressively had more and more of my communications duties taken away and have become the guy who plugs wires in - the computer guy. we got a director of communications who is - frankly - incompetent (ex-reporter - no political experience). hell - he left on a week's vacation during the last week of the legislative session. that'd be the day any of the other staff would be allowed to fuck off during session - i got shit one night because i tried to leave before 10:30pm... and i had kids waiting for me - yeah it was a special time - budget release - but my work was done

also - we have a bunch of temporary staff who are about to be laid off with the end of session. they were people who used to work with us until we lost the election and they were fired (political staff). they are like chickens in a coop - one chicken (me) has blood - they all peck at the injured one (including one dude who is the boss's "special friend" [boss is gay]. they don't advertise their relationship, because of the political environment, but i know lots - as i've mentioned before - my family goes multiple generations back - we are highly plugged in). the temporary staff are fighting for survival and advancement. you see - whoever survives the four years is extremely well placed for the gravy train and power positions if we win...

the office is a different place to work since we lost

it's beyond dysfunctional

you see - part of the jockeying is among the surviving politicians who are trying to escape personal blame for the loss of the election. also, the jockeying has begun for who is going to replace the big cheese.

it's a vicious place to be

----

anyway

i have a lifetime of experience, AND i get paid good money to anticipate outcomes. and this one won't work out well for me. as i said this morning - if i can't see how this will all play out, then i shouldn't be working here. my boss and the office administrator tried to say it wasn't a plan to turf me, but i called bullshit - even if there is no plan on their part, the anticipated outcome will be the same. i called a "cone of silence" - where we could speak freely and agree not to have that part of the conversation come up in the union/grievance proceedings. we agreed to disagree on parts of our respective viewpoints - but they could not argue strongly with my overall analysis - and the inevitability of my departure given the politics in play

i can get out with 11 months salary and other benefits. i can go back to school and finish a computer course in 2 semesters - about as long as i will have money for. i can get some software certifications over the summer and then go back to university in the fall for 2 semesters until april.

i have my evening teaching job at the tech college and a guy who runs a computer business i can do part-time work for.

i can get the two disciplinary pieces pulled out of my file and guarantee a good reference

there are reasons. i know shit. shit with repercussions. buried bodies and little secrets. agenda to turf me or not, it still works better for all if this happens quietly and smoothly.

so i'm reviewing the buyout offer

the plan works - a new set of certifications - the economy is booming - computer people are scarce...

----

"Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet"

"Just gonna have to be a different man"

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence"

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

last night

daughter calls me today. she's in the mall with her mom. her mom didn't want her to stay at home alone, so took her to the mall, and then ditched her (as daughter puts it). stbx wanted to go do something and told daughter to go do her own thing.

daughter was having a time trying to reconcile her mom saying she didn't want to leave her by herself, and then being left by herself in the mall (stbx was in the mall, just elsewhere). daughter just found it an odd incongruity.

daughter told me she was tired. that she didn't go exercise today like she had planned because she had been up until 2:30am listening to her mother and son fight. son got high (pot) last night and stbx realised it when she came home. she freaked on him for around 5 hours straight.

son called me today

tells me about a jazz concert in town at a local lounge/bar

we talk a bit

i've been pushing him to get his driver's license and a car (i'll buy the car). he is now considering it more. he rejected the idea before.

he tells me that he and his mother got into it last night. because he was high.

they argued for 5 hours. he tried to break off but she kept following him around.

he ended up going outside to his friend's car and sleeping there from about 2:30am until 7am when he went inside.

i need to talk to my lawyer...

thank god i've got them in counselling at least

rescue gene

daughter talked a bit about her counselling session

about the girl she wants to go out with

a girl at her school - a grade 8 girl - 14 years old

(read daughter's dinner engagement...)

this girl has caused some trouble for daughter already. she kissed daughter at school in the schoolyard. the kids reported her. this was few weeks back

daughter called me that day - she was scheduled to go talk to the principal in the afternoon. i told her to be completely open with the principal about what was up. about her attraction and about her bi-sexuality and about the teasing and stuff in the schoolyard. to trust the principal.

it was a long discussion with the principal (whom i am on decent terms with) who likes daughter. who thinks daughter is a good kid. and even if it is a catholic school, the principal is french... she has gay friends and family herself.

they had a long conversation. daughter told me afterwards that sometimes it was maddening because the principal said almost exactly the same things word for word that i did.

principal called me. we talked. we talked about both girls. i have concerns about this other girl because she has some impulse control issues. this girl was sexually abused as a kid and does a lot of stuff just for shock value.

i have expressed my concerns about her. the principal expressed her concern that the girl is not someone daughter should be hooking up with. the principal confirmed my suspicions about impulse control on this other girl.

the girl also does drugs, says she has sex with boys, and drinks...

i have expressed my concerns about his to daughter as well.

i have not done anything to facilitate their contact.

----

- back to daughter's counselling session and our talk on the way back to school -

daughter talked about how she had discussed how she seems to always hook up with "the wrong kind of kids". kids who will get her into trouble. daughter talked about how she realised, while talking to the counsellor, that she was trying to "save" her friends.

that she was trying to stop them from their downward spiral. that she knew what would work to help them in their lives, but how she could never seem to convince her friends to just take her advice and live better. that they would always make the wrong decisions, no matter what she did

----

no really - she said the above

and more

i am not shitting you

----

she said that she realised the girl she was trying to date was a lot like her mother. all the way to the childhood sexual abuse and the substance abuse issues.

that the girl was as wildly mood swinging and erratic as her mother

a lot like her mother

that it wasn't probably a good thing...

----

for more on rescuing read here:

control, loss of control, and rescuing

----

son is still trying to convince his mother to turn her life around - still ready to battle her - trying to "point out how stupid she's being"

----

but not me

nope

never

nuh-uh

no way

----

"Observational learning (also known as: vicarious learning or social learning or modeling) is learning that occurs as a function of observing, retaining and, in the case of imitation learning, replicating behavior executed by others." - wikipedia

"Motivation: In general, observers will perform the act only if they have some motivation or reason to do so. The presence of reinforcement or punishment, either to the model or directly to the observer, becomes most important in this process."

http://www.funderstanding.com/observational_learning.cfm

"Many mistake observational learning with imitation. The two terms are different in the sense that observational learning leads to a change in behavior due to observing a model." - wikpedia

----

rescue gene...

steps

as i had mentioned in some past postings i have discussed with my kids that if things ever got bad enough at their mother's place, that they would have a place to stay with me (The Trail (Part 2)The Trail (Part 1)

that they might have to consider moving in full time with me if things got really unstable

i mentioned it again today to daughter

i had picked her up to go to her counselling

her mother had gone kind of weird on her that morning

you see, daughter's appointment was at 10am. they had a school mass that morning (catholic school [government funded here]). they would be leaving for the mass at about 9:30. about the time i would be picking her up for counselling. daughter proposed that she just miss the first half hour of school as well (starts at 9am). i said OK.

her mother was still home (12:30-9 shift week) had a fit and told her that by law she had to go to school at age 12...

and booted her out the door

daughter went to school

for 15 minutes

that's when her class left for mass - 9:15am

i had called the school to excuse her for the morning

her mother had left the house by the time daughter got back to the house - gone for smokes or some such

daughter was just baffled by her mother's behaviour. her mother had told daughter that she was disappointed in her. without even saying why. just kept repeating that she was disappointed in her and that she had to go to school because she was 12 and that it was required by law.

maybe it is some kind of "look, i'm a good parent too" or "look - i'm a better parent than you" thing bubbling up in the stbx's mind. god only knows with that woman. especially after i have given stbx grief about son missing school. maybe that's it. i don't know...

but daughter was upset about it, saying "i just don't care what she says anymore"

i talked about her statement - pointing out that no matter how much you say you don't care - when someone makes a comment like that - even someone you have dismissed - it still can burn - but that it is a question of being aware enough of the hurt - because being still hurt emotionally, but thinking in your head that it shouldn't matter causes more anxiety as you feel bad, but think you should be tougher because you've decided it shouldn't matter...

if that made any sense to anyone but me

i told her that while i still thought that the best scenario for the kids would be to have both parents in their lives equally, that in recent times i had begun to worry that being around their mother was actually unhealthy for them

that their mother was causing more damage than good

that i had no agenda to make them move, or to cut off their mother - just that i was worried about the long term effects of their mother's instability. i cited her brother's break-down as an example of what i was worried would continue to happen

again - i stressed that their was no agenda - just that i was sharing my worry and concern, and that i wanted to inject the consideration of the idea of moving in with me full-time

daughter told me that she had already decided that she wanted to move out with friends when she was "17 or so" and get her own place. that she had already been thinking about changing her living arrangements.

i asked if the moving out with friends thing was because then she wouldn't have to appear to be making a choice between her mom and i. she said no, that wasn't it.

i told her that i thought that moving out on her own would be a poor choice - that at 17 she still needed guidance - and that many things can go wrong - that a positive parent can be of value

that i want them to remain living with me at least until they are done high school, and hopefully part of their post-secondary.

daughter mumbled some acknowledgment and we went inside for her counselling session.

i dropped her with her counsellor and wandered around the area until she was done

----

we made another appointment for next week. while driving away i told daughter to keep her appointment card secure from her mother because if her mother was rifling through daughter's stuff she might decide to go off on a tear if she found the card and decided she wanted to inject herself into the counsellor relationship (kids counselling and outcomes). when i signed both son and daughter up i made sure that i requested and instructed both counsellors to not disclose anything to me outside of fear of doing harm to themselves. i did this in front of the kids. i made sure that it was clear that this was to be a place the kids could find refuge and privancy. i made sure to outline my concerns that their mother might dig into their files if she was to contact the counsellors (stbx does not know the counsellors' identities). i asked them to not keep full records of the visits in order to make sure that the counselling records could not be subpoenaed or accessed by their mother. the kids chimed in on this as well - they don't want their mother to even know the names of the counsellors. they hadn't said anything to me, but i knew it was a concern they had from the counsellor their mother took them to - that their counsellor would be a pawn or participant. i made sure to cut that one off immediately. i am very sensitive to their feelings (yeah - i think i can confidently say that) and knew it. they hadn't even figured it out for themselves - but as soon as i articulated it they were all over it and said that they had been worried about that sort of thing - about their privacy

i have not asked about any content of their sessions

but they have shared some details

i remain open to them - as much as any parent can be, i guess

astounded

my children told me last night that their mother had said to them at one time that she thought that daughter was being raped at my apartment

by son's friends, and then later intimated that it was occurring from son

and then later intimated that it was occurring from me

but backed off immediately when both kids turned on her very hard

i'm told her standard practice is to launch some wild and outlandish accusation or bizarre statement of fear and then when the kids rip into her for her bullshit, she runs off to her room crying

literally

she's nuts

she's actually bonkers

i think

----

i need to figure out what to do. i am loathe to allow my children around that sort of behaviour, but i am equally loathe to try to lever them out of their mother's house without their consent.

----

she has so little impulse control

it's pathetic

she just blurts out whatever floats into her head

whatever bizarre imagining or construct developed out of her own past or warped sense of the universe

example of insanity

as noted in yesterday's post, stbx called me that morning. she is in serious financial difficulty and wants me to allow her to access the equity line of credit.

i said that i was prepared to do so. i told her to send me a proposal

i then sent a follow up email:

follow up to our conversation of earlier today

please advise me of what actions you are requesting me to take with regard to the line of credit and so forth

a 2 day timeline is difficult to work with and to have the opportunity to review the matter with my legal counsel

so, the sooner the details the better

her response email came this morning:

"if you are to busy, i will just proceed with a different course of action"

that is so fucking typical of the way she twists and distorts and deflects

it is not too much to ask for the details of what she wants

her two principal options:

have a lump sum transferred, or be granted unlimited access to the remainder for the credit line

that took a long time to type, hey?

so what the fuck?

backlash

daughter called me at lunchtime yesterday. she was in tears.

her mother had just said no to a sleepover this next weekend. because daughter had told her that she was bi-sexual. and that stbx didn't know if daughter's friend... "how do i know that she's not your lover?"

daughter was REALLY upset

she cried for most of the noon hour. she was still angry last night and this morning.

i let her stay home in the afternoon yesterday because she had cried so hard and so long she had a brutal headache and her face was kind of swollen.

son and her decided they would "battle" their mother on the subject.

took daughter (and son) for all-you-can-eat sushi last night to distract them. i was tired and didn't want to cook after my day at work and after dealing with soothing the kids.

we had fun.

----

i told daughter that she could have sleepovers at my place and that son could either crash on the couch or stay at his grandparents' place to facilitate her sleepover (son and daughter share a room - bunkbeds)

son was supportive of this plan

----

stbx called me this morning.

she is in serious financial difficulty and wants me to allow her to access the equit line of credit.

i told her to send me a proposal

----

she also raised the issue with daughter and the sleepover.

she tried to get me to support her decision

i told her i disagreed fundamentally with her actions and that i thought that she should allow it to go ahead.

i pointed out that son had actually slept on the other side of the bed from a gay guy on a band trip and she didn't have an issue with it.

her counter is that son is not gay.

i pointed out that daughter's friend is not either. stbx asked how she could know that. i said daughter told her. she said she didn't know if she could believe daughter. i told her she had to just make a choice to believe her or not.

stbx caved on the issue

she said she would allow the sleepover.

she attempted to go into a whole bunch of other parenting issues and into how her life sucks and she can't cope with everything - especially parenting.

she went on about how she couldn't talk about issues like daughter's bi-sexuality with her family. that she needed someone to talk to about parenting and the kids.

she immediately went off on more teary eyed crap about how tough her life is

i told her that i had no intention of having an extended conversation on any subject, and that she had burned far too many bridges with things like false accusations of rape for us to be having swell mutually supportive conversations

i then advised her i needed to go and ended the conversation

outcomes

daughter attended her first counselling session on monday morning. son on monday afternoon. i took time off from work to go with both and at the request of the counsellors i participated in the first parts of each session.

daughter's counsellor is off plan (both family assistance and health insurance [counselling isn't yet covered under universal medicare (which it would be if i were in charge)], so i am paying cash for her visits - $75.00 a visit. son's counsellor is on my workplace family assistance plan, so 5 visits will be covered - then i pay cash because even though you can be a registered counsellor with a master's in clinical social work, my health insurance won't pay for a non-psychologist as a counsellor.

in each case i selected the counsellor for their experience and abilities, not for coverage. i wanted people who would fit well with my kids and their needs.

i'll figure out a way to pay for it all later - i'll probably have to hit up my mom and dad for help in this case.

daughter's counsellor is an associate of a lady who is widely regarded locally and nationally for her work with the Lesbian Gay Bi-Sexual and Transgender community. i was referred to he first lady, but she is going in for surgery and is not taking new patients. i described my needs and she referred me to one of her associates. her associate is not a registered counsellor - though she is currently under application for registration. she is a professor of psychology at the local university who teaches clinical psychology, but bizarrely is not a registered clinical psychologist (minimum number of hours per year spent counselling is one of the reasons). she was both teach and finishing some post-doctoral work or some such in the last few years.

anyway, she's pretty wild. she's in her late 50s and is a self-professed weird person. crystals, energy, chi, reiki, hypnosis, wholism, blah, blah, blah. perfect fit for daughter - who sees herself as very different from her peers. we'll see how they get along as things progress. daughter has another appointment next week.

son's counsellor is a dude who has worked with teenaged boys for a lot of years. he is a bit jockish for my tastes (and son's) but he seems ok. he has a degree in fine arts in addition to his bachelors and masters in clinical social work, so he must have a little going on beyond his sports guy thing...

he used to live over the fence from my parents - they knew each other peripherally. he also played hockey with my brother. no close relationships. i am comfortable with that and so is son - we didn't feel the need to get someone who was totally removed.

it's hard to go anywhere in the city, and in fact most of the province and find a professional of any variety who doesn't know my family in some manner...

me not knowing daughter's counsellor is actually different. i know the other lady - she also served on the women's centre board with Smitten.

yeah - it's not a huge place where we live, and we're fairly high profile and darn well known.

[end of section written thursday may 8]

i asked my mom last night for help ($250.00 loan for 2 weeks until i get some health insurance reimbursements). help she had said would be forthcoming if it was ever needed for the kids. she gave me shit for not taking them to the same counsellor i'm seeing - the free one. telling me i could have saved my money by going there. as for the loan - she said she'd think about it. i was pretty hurt. but mom is sometimes like that.

i didn't bother arguing with her. i waited a few minutes and called her back telling her that i had been just called and told i would receive a payable from my consulting work and didn't need her help.

a lie. thinking about it i potentially should have told her that her response pissed me off and was inconsistent with her previous stance - but i may need help in the future and there is no point in burning a bridge by having a confrontation. so i avoided a potential confrontation in a personal trade off. i knew i could juggle shit and asking mom was more convenience for myself than anything, so it didn't much matter. she said she had the money and was prepared to spend on helping them - specifically talking about getting counselling in one discussion.

but, whatever....

because i went with the not lowest cost option it was an issue. because her ideas about counselling - that a counsellor who was really good for her would be good for the kids... a sort of one size fits all approach...

yeah - i guess i'm a little more irritated than i thought

but it's her money and i need to just get over it

----

back to the kids:

daughter was quite enthused about her counsellor

son was a more nonchalant, but seemed to be walking a little lighter in his steps as we left

i think they are feeling positive that there must be a way out of how they feel and their rock and a hard place position.

signed both kids up for my gym. lied to the gym and told them daughter (12) was 14 in order to get them to accept her...

both kids are quite positive about going - the gym promo'd a bunch of sessions (8 hours) with trainers when i signed them up, so they will be well trained on the equipment.

----

stbx called and sniveled at me about money - asked for some - said she needed to pay a credit card and couldn't get a personal line of credit in time to make a payment

said i owed her money for interest on the equity line of credit that she has paid

i told her she owed me over $100,000 for my share of the house she was living in

i gave her the money - $100

if i expected anything (which i didn't) it was soon to be not forthcoming

after work when i went to pick daughter up after her intro session at the gym, daughter told me to that her mom had told her to remind me to give her the money i owed her...

i told daughter i didn't owe her mom any money, and that i was just helping her mom out of a tight spot

oh, well

why did i give her the money?

i want the counselling and the gym time to be as undisrupted as possible

so i chose undemanded and unasked for pre-emptive appeasement

----

yeah

and she tried to strike up conversations

"so, how are you doing?" she asks me brightly on the phone when i first agree. i tell her i do not wish to talk righ tnow

when i drop the money off she tells me "you're looking great, have you lost weight?"

bullshit

i've gained weight

she wants to talk

i tell her i am leaving

last time i told her flat out that i had no desire to have any conversation with someone who told me kids i raped her

this time - i didn't feel like it

i didn't want a confrontation or conversation

i wanted to go for dinner with Smitten

----

stbx looked awful

oh my god she looked awful

her face was heavier and puffier - even if she is skinnier

her face has that large pore look - with the bumpy skin with uneven texture and colour

like you see on an alcoholic

not saying she is

just trying to give you an idea

her hair is like straw - all wild and out of control and unkept

washed, but dry and full of static

i was really bothered by it for the whole evening

she looks awful

i guess drinking a lot and smoking more than a pack a day will start to do that

especially on top of anorexic eating behaviours

it really bothered me

----

but i still won't talk to her

kids' counselling

stbx actually signed letters consenting to the kids getting counselling from the counsellor of their choice. i put in a line that signing the letter did not imply that she would pay for the counselling just to get past her fixation on being broke.

not that she is. she just says she is. if she was broke she wouldn't spend $300+ a month on cigarettes and wouldn't buy lunch to the tune of $100-$200 a month. or spend $100+ per month on clothes and shit for daughter. or maybe she would.

she said she was broke all through our marriage too. all the time.

anyway - kids are seeing counsellors. she even signed the letter before she got the letters from me and the lawyer on the Hawaii trip fuck-ups.

strange

you see, after son's episode the other week, i tried to get the kids counselling and get it paid through my workplace family assistance plan. they won't do approve it in the event of a marital breakdown unless both parents consent. that is how she was able to fuck with my 3 previous attempts to get the kids counselling.

i decided that i was just going ahead and would find counsellors that would take my kids either way. that somehow i would find a way to get them help - and damn the cost.

monday morning for daughter, monday afternoon for son.

i am to attend the first little bit of the counselling session with them and then it will go private. i will hang around and wait nearby.

daughter's counsellor is a lady with extensive experience in sexual identity counselling. she is the partner of my original pick. it made me happy when the original lady said "she may be just experimenting, or it might be something real and permanent. we'll help her work through it and figure out what it is."

why am i happy? because the lady is a log term lesbian. she is an advocate for the LGBT community and has done a lot of work in the community. i was referred to her by the family assistance dude. Smitten worked on the board of the local women's centre (i later found out) and thinks highly of her. i picked her so daughter would have someone who had been through it - but was also a qualified counsellor. i was happy because it meant that this lady wouldn't be pressing/recruiting daughter to join the ranks of lesbians/bisexuals.

not that there is an issue with that - if it is daughter's choice.

so the counsellor - and i assume her partner - whom daughter will see - is not just assuming that that daughter will be bisexual - it will be healthier.

i am pleased at the lack of militancy i have observed in the people i have asked for help in helping/guiding daughter. in observing this i am feeling a level of self-validation in my judgment in whom i have picked as resources and in the methodology i have employed to arrive here.

----

son is still messed. missed more school. having problems with sleep again.

it's funny (yeah - ha ha...) that he was having no problems up until he went out for the evening last night with his mother (to see a cousin who is in town for a short while). i will have to quizz him on last night a little more.

i was talking with Smitten about it at lunch today - he phoned me to say he'd fallen asleep while putting on his shoes (shortly after falling asleep standing up while making his lunch) and had slept in until noon.

son has to make his own choices.

he will have to bear some consequences. he made the choice to stay home a few times when he didn't have to, and so if now it is coming home to roost and he is running out of available absences before he gets suspended from his classes... and i warned him at the time that he would need those potential absences later...

he may end up having to spend a little more time in high school or doing make up classes at university.

it is the price to be paid

the price he has to bear because of the break-up. not that it should still be affecting him - but the break-up removed me as a shield - and he is not sheltered from his mother's psychosis - and it is affecting him

the price may be a year of his life

not that steep a price to pay - plenty of people have fucked around and wasted a year or two of their lives. and if this is the fall-out - the price - that's just what it has to be.

the same as if he were in a car accident and got laid up in hospital for awhile.

he's road-kill for his mother's behaviour and my decision(s) to leave.

i hope the counsellor can help son find his way past his issues

i hope we can find ways for son to sleep again

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i'm on track for my own additional counselling as well

see if that does anything