daughter's dinner engagement...

Daughter(12) has told me she is bi-sexual. She's been saying this for some time (openly to me for over a year). I thought I had mentioned it before on the blog, but word search on bi-sexual only turned up the hot-tub sally stories...

so - daughter is bi-sexual.

she hasn't mentioned this to her extremely homophobic mother. she's hinted, but not said it. her mother spazzed even when daughter hinted that someone in the family might be bi-sexual or homosexual.

daughter has told lots of other people, but not her mother's family - or rather her mother's generation of that family. she has told her cousins.

daughter has been dealing with this. she has told her friends in school and is pretty open about it. most of the kids in her grade are fine with it, including her friends whom she has sleepovers with and such. she is only attracted to one girl in her class - and then only physically

i have tried to be supportive and sensitive

daughter says she has known for sure for the last 2-3 years that she is attracted to women. i have known since she was less than 2 years old - i have seen her interest in women's bodies and in sexuality since that age - call it intuition, but i just knew. i didn't put full voice to my thoughts to anyone over the years. i told the stbx (when daughter was around 2 years old) that i thought that daughter had a profound interest in women's bodies. the stbx agreed and then took the step (unnecessary in my opinion) to hide her body from her daughter... much like she did when son was about the same age.

for the record - my mom, whom i consider a little prudish, didn't really start covering up until we were teenagers (in perspective - not that prudish). i have never seen much value in false modesty. proper decorum in sexuality - absolutely - but being all uptight about parts or somebody seeing something... is not where my head is at.

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anyway, daughter (gr 6) encountered a girl in her school who is about a year and a bit older than her (2 grades) whom she "likes". she has been hanging out with her even if they haven't gone any further than that.

some of the grade 8 kids (the grade of the friend) have been hassling them calling them "lovers" and such. the other girl has an openly stated bi-sexual preference as well.

daughter didn't know how to handle the harassment

in this i am of limited assistance from my experience set

so i called my friend B (~26 yrs old), a lesbian, whom I had been intending to set daughter up with for some time to talk to, and asked her if she could talk to daughter about this. i told B that i wanted someone whom i could morally trust to talk to daughter. B was blown away that i would do this as a parent. i guess i didn't think it was that big a deal. but i was never gay. so maybe.

i gave daughter $40.00 and they went out for dinner last night. B picked her up at 5pm and they went to an afghan place in town that i had recently taken the kids to, but B had not been to yet. i am told they had a wide ranging discussion and daughter was pleased when she came home. she did not report out their discussion - a couple of stories and snippets - and i didn't ask.

B offered to be available as a resource and a friend to daughter. i was happy she did that. it's a lifeline - daughter won't feel so alone.

i hope this helps daughter cope with her burgeoning sexuality. daughter still plans on having kids, so i should still end up a grandparent on both sides :-)

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interesting other tidbits to the story:

• B used to live with J. J worked in my office. B and J were the lesbians i have mentioned in the past that the stbx accused me of having an affair with (both at the same time)


• B is in a band, works for our biggest local music festival organization, wears very funky fashions, and also plays the double bass (classical). daughter has said she wants to play double bass for a couple of years now. B offered to give her a free set of intro lessons (among other things B teaches at the conservatory).


• B is a vegan (as much as she can be here in the middle of cattle country - she's not freaky about her veganism) - we have traded many recipes


• B actually dates guys sometimes. i didn't know. she just prefers women because she finds most guys dufuses [dufi?] (Smitten actually agreed with that description of most guys)


• B is good friends with my oldest niece (the artist one who gave me the, um, organics a couple of years back) - i just searched for links on the blog and discovered i missed some important updates about my relationship with my niece (stbx's sister's daughter)

B thinks daughter should tell her mother about daughter being bi-sexual. B thinks daughter should do it for herself - in order to claim her own identity. while i consider the intent valid - i have concerns about her mother's response (surprise!)

i agree daughter needs to be true to herself - she just needs to have thought through the consequences and be prepared for them ahead of time.

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anyway

bi-sexual 12 year old daughter with adolescent sexuality issues - talking about boys and about girls in the same sentence

there isn't much of a handbook on this one - for me anyway

i admit to still having a few (negative) tickles in my head around gay male issues - but i'm a product of my age, i guess.

i want grandkids, but daughter always wanted kids (and son) so i wasn't worried - i figured daughter would find a way no matter how anything worked out. so... if i get grandkids - my needs are met (at least i'm up front with my selfishness). i'm fine with another woman being daughter's life partner and co-parent if that's what works out.

i'm completely OK with the whole lesbian and bi-sexual thing. i actually agree that women's bodies are way more interesting and attractive than guys

in fact i've never really figured out why women are attracted to men - but that's another day's discussion

but i still never really thought this one through

never modeled it in my head - so it seems a little strange and a little weird as i go through it as a parent