The Trail (Part 2)

Son (yesterday), on the way to pick up daughter from the charter bus (she was returning from her ethnic dance festival) - I had said that I didn't think things had gone quite as well as I had hoped for... we had supper over at Smitten's with her and her two kids. Made fresh rolls (Vietnamese fresh rolls - rice wraps, noodles, shrimp/vegetation, other stuff)...

Son: "Actually, from my perspective... and maybe its just me... but I thought it went pretty well. Everyone in my life - with maybe the exception of you... and [Smitten] and stuff - are insane. Emo or insane - or both... my friends, and mom, and stuff... So it was kind of nice to have just a normal supper. With no freak-outs, or weird shit, or warnings and feelings of impending doom... So, no, i dunno, maybe you felt something different - but i thought it was pretty good. i liked it."

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I picked son up late friday night from his friend's house. He was exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. We stayed up awhile and talked and just hung out.

i could tell he was really on the edge. not edgy - but on the edge. edge of collapse and ability to cope. he still denies anything is taking a toll on him - though his denials are getting more feeble.

i just stayed with him. he played his game. i surfed the net and yakked here and there - some serious topics, some not - did some dishes - made sure he had some nutritious and healthy food. drank water. he slowly wound down enough that he agreed to go to bed something around 12:30am

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saturday i woke him up at 2 in the afternoon. i let him numb his mind on his current favourite game - grand theft auto: vice city (on the PS/2 I talked about awhile back). he doesn't need anyone shitting on him for being slack. why? what the hell else did he have to do? maybe a little homework, but otherwise all he needed to do was sleep and feel safe and secure.

after an hour or two a made him get up and shower. took him out for supper. we went to an indian place. cost a little more than i wanted, but he likes indian and i wanted to see some colour in his face.

he's so pale. his skin is white, white, white. sickness white. ghostly white.

his complexion is pretty bad too.

after eating - i ordered it between medium and hot - the blood was flowing and he was pretty happy. we toodled off to the movie store and got a couple of movies.

my whole intent was to just make him feel safe and secure in an undemanding environment.

he was happy - i was bugging him about how much he ate and the look of slightly satisfied pain he had from having eaten a bit too much. he had quite the sheepish grin - much like a little kid when you've bundled them into a bed after they complained they didn't want to go to bed, but they were tired.

we watched the movies, made our comments about them, and just hung. around 1:00am we went to bed.

i found out the next day that he had not been able to go to sleep. he tried. he wanted to go to sleep. but his body wouldn't let him. he described not being able to find any comfortable position. having prickly skin. having muscles that demanded to be moved. a heart that began racing.

i told him he was having an anxiety attack. he said "no - not like that. i'm not explaining it right. i was getting angry. like when [boyfriend] Bob lost it on me. i was at the edge of throwing everything away. of just 'poning him. of just busting loose and breaking things and hitting people"

i said that while he was angry - it was still essentially the same kind of emotional event as an anxiety attack, and had the same kind of root causes

that i would see about getting him some relaxation therapy classes to help deal with it - not that it would do much, but it might take the edge off sometimes

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i talked to son on friday night about what he had told me about his sister thinking that maybe she'd be moving in with me full time (read last post).

i talked to him more about why it would be better for him to move in with me than with his friends.

i talked a bit about the logistics of such a move and about some of the changes and choices that would have to occur if we were all in the same domicile all the time.

when presented with some ideas around his mother's reaction to both her kids leaving and how to potentially deal with that all (if it came to pass), he said "yeah - and i'd wanted to try and repair my relationship with her..."

he talked about maybe staying with her to try to help her through her meltdown if daughter left. i asked her how he thought that would work out. asked him how he thought he might do - given that i had tried to fix his mom for 20 years (20 years, one week and one day [as of today]). asked him if he believed that his strengths and abilities in that area would succeed any better than mine.

asked him what he thought the effort of trying to save his mother would do to his own survival.

told him he didn't need to abandon her, just asked him to face the reality of how it would work out.

i discussed further how the mechanics of him and his sister moving out would work. he hadn't even considered that he could go stay with his mother for a weekend, or visits. the kids are both thinking in awfully final terms. i am trying to mediate/moderate their experience. to temper the terrible siuation they are in - and the terrible spot they have been put in.

i told him that even if he did choose to stay with her, or help her work through things, that i would support him and offer him shelter.

i asked him to go in with his eyes open wide on the possibility of success - and about what it would do to him as a human being. pointed out what had happened to his sister. asked him if he was prepared to give up a chunk of himself to make peace - or if being in a constant battle would help him or her.

he accepted that there was essentially nothing he could do. that wishing wouldn't make it better. that he knew how it would work out. and that eventually he would move out, because he would fight and "battle her" because he will not accept her crap. and that it would have been wasted effort and pain from the beginning, because she won't change.

i told him that he could spend time with her - enough to be with her, but not enough to damage him - he could love her, but needed to accept that she was who she was - that he needed to accept that his mom was broken and that only she could make the choices to fix herself.

and that none of us had the tools or ability to fix her. that only she - with professional help that was far beyond our capability - could fix herself.

that it was like the time his uncle had nearly drowned - and had started pulling his children under in a panic to save himself when they went to rescue him. (his legs had gone paralysed - what happens when you drink Rye Whisky in the hot sun all day and then jump in a cold assed lake... BTW, another brother-in-law jumped in and saved him).

i asked him if he thought his mother was self-aware enough, or not selfish enough to avoid pulling him or his sister under - to avoid ruining their lives.

i pointed out that he was the child, not the parent, and that if his mother was outside of the situation, and lucid, she would give him the same advice.

he sadly accepted that he would have to look out for himself first.

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i'm going for a job interview on thursday

it's only a six month term right now

it will be extended if i meet pre-specified goals

it pays about $1000.00 more per month than my current job, but offers tremendous entre into the upper reaches of the IT world in our jurisdiction.

as one of my co-workers (and confidante) said "If there was ever a position made for you it's this one, [Cadbury]. if you don't want the job, give them my name - anything to escape the insanity of this place"

it is also only 3-4 days a week in the initial 6 month term. it would go full time at around $30K more a year than i make right now if i meet the goals. i can make those goals.

i don't want to do what i'm doing anymore.

i believe in the cause, but not the people i work for. they are self-interested pricks who don't deserve the mantle and name of our movement. and they don't deserve my efforts and support.

i expect that attitude may percolate up into the work situation described last post, even if i try to be polite and professional.

for the record, all of the staff (including my boss and the office manager) have the same opinion of the current crew we work for. some of them are decent as individuals, but as a group are just appallingly... um, limited.

i discussed the situation with my parents and they approve of my plan - and recognise (and offered) that they will be on the line to hold my head above water if things go sideways.

Mom and Dad are true believers from a long way back. They have the same opinion of the current crew as we staff do. Mom doesn't hold a party card any more, but Dad still does.

If I leave i will receive a severance/buy-out of something over 8 months salary. All of the staff were offered the buy-out after the election. It is still pending and open 'til June.

I intend to finalise my Linux and Microsoft certification while on my 6 months if I get the job. If I don't get my term extended I will go back to university. I can get my computer science certificate in two 4 month semesters (using credits from my unfinished degree). That will leave me with a little room at the end - especially if I am frugal - to get a new job. Unlike many parts of the U.S. our economy here is booming - we have a terrible labour shortage - especially for IT people. I would be almost assured of getting a job immediately - others who got punted after we lost the election (who were IT people) got jobs in less than 3 weeks. These were young guys without 20 years experience (like me).

My parents support the idea of me going back to school and have said they would back-stop the other end.

I am still considering things, but my mind is pretty much made up.

The only thing that causes me pause is that it would affect my ability to get a house. But all I really want is an extra bedroom. I am looking into whether I can rent a townhouse, or - god forbid - see if Mom and Dad will co-sign because i would be not in a permanent job at that point. That would, of course, assume that my settlement was done...

and that's a whole separate ball of wax