Overwhelmed, Shit, and Procrastination

Work is winding up. We have two major periods in the year and this is the bigger one. It is about 3 months long. The other one is in the fall.

We barely survived the one last fall - and it was only 2 weeks long. Now we were just a few weeks out of the election and 2 weeks after moving offices, but it was still a hell of a ride for those 2 weeks.

We have 5 more staff for this sitting, but we have a much longer period to cover, and a lot more going on than last fall.

The demands have been ratcheted way up in terms of tech work. I no longer even do much communications and writing - little strategy. I hate being the guy who just plugs stuff in and fixes peoples "my computer won't work" bullshit problems.

It's not what i signed on for - i hate being relegated here, but i'm the only one who can do what i do. not quite true, but the other guy who knows what to do on tech is the only one that knows all the rules of the house and is in charge of that element of the office - he's the staff quarterback for the next 3 months.

I am trying to find my happy place doing what i'm doing.

I have been given one piece of research, but it has been left languishing while i solve the inevitable every day computer/network crisis.

It doesn't help that the client group are for the most part full-on egomaniacs. I suppose that's what you have to be to put yourself out for that much public judgement. This group is worse than most. They may be my team, but they're mostly assholes (2/3 anyway). I've been around this type of folks for my whole life, but this group is the most self-absorbed i've ever seen.

by next time around (4 years from now) i hope to *ease* a bunch of them into retirement from this life - by challenges if nothing else works...

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i have way to much to do at work

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i have little mindspace left. i read your blogs BTW - i just have nothing in me to comment. i apologise. even less to post here.

in fact i am just posting right now out of guilt, and to avoid doing my next task. i feel like it will never end and have begun avoiding stuff i'm supposed to do.

it's a bad character trait of mine when i am drowning in shit/overwhelmed

slough until the deadline becomes almost impossible to avoid

i've tried to shake it over the years and have gotten better, but it still rears its head sometimes

it's weird though - i have had more on my plate at various times and have taken care of it handily and with good humour

but sometimes i just suck

like now

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it's one of those things that Smitten keeps telling me

don't agree to do anything you don't want to do. don't allow people to make you feel obligated until you finally give in and do something

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i have a bunch of stuff to do for a couple of weeks from now for my daughter's ethnic dance group. big festival coming up

i am/have been sloughing a job i should do (volunteer co-ordination)

it will cause problems

i'm aiming to finish the job by late this afternoon/early evening

as usual, i am good at what i do, and should be able to pull the fat out of the fire. but maybe not this time...?

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i haven't been sleeping well over the last couple of months

the snoring

headaches, muscle problems, fibromyalgia flare-ups

winter sucks too

sucks my soul and my spirit

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i have little enthusiasm for anything

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as you know, daughter has been coming over to my place for her weeks with me

stbx has been trying to interpose herself in this.

stbx has been proposing different arrangements to the kids. month on/month off. daughter a week with her and son with me, then switch - so we'd always have a kid with each of us - both kids have rejected that option from the get go.

stbx doesn't want to ever be alone...

stbx has been trying to get me to talk to her. i have been putting her off now that i am aware again of her latest tactics.

i know that some of you (like Sicilian and Smitten) have warned me in the past about allowing myself to be sucked in by her and her methods to get me trapped in discussions - but i am a trusting fool. I also start with the belief that people are sincere - and easily forget and forgive/let go when crossed (how i survive my profession/employment i don't know. Smitten says i willingly self-delude. that as a hopeless romantic and true believer in a better world, that i am unwilling to see the ugly parts of the world around me...

[now it's 2 hours or so after i started this post - i got called out to troubleshoot some systems]

which is strange because i have to wrestle in the muck in a really sordid way every single day in my job function - i'm the [or was - and i guess still am] the opposition research guy. it's my job to be cynical and ugly).

anyway - it always takes me off guard every time she finds a new way to suck me into conversations. i never quite wise up to it until a few conversations in...

i'd like to think that now i will be able to avoid stuff for awhile because i have re-concluded that i will have nothing to do with her for any reason except for "i will drop them off here or there" or "is [son/daughter] there?" on the phone.

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daughter has been going straight to my apartment after school. sometimes a short stop at the house on the way. she is trying to avoid the stbx. last night they went to the house to watch a movie with son's friend who is still living there...

they said there was something really weird in the stbx's behaviour that freaked them both out. they said she was nicer than usual but there was something really weird they didn't like. they didn't want her around them and her presence caused them serious distress

i asked them about it for some period of time (40 min) in an effort to help tham understand what they were feeling, but didn't make much headway. they were active participants in the emotional examination, because they were trying to figure it out too. but we couldn't. hopefully this doesn't mean she is going to go all murder/suicide on them...

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i have been headhunted for a job. i am in informal discussions with the folks. it would pay about 30K a year more than i make now. it would be for a one year term, with success based extension possible. it is executive director of a high tech industry association.

i talked to my boss about getting a year's leave of absence from my job and he said he would do it (we [staff] are all watching out for each other's backs as we got through the transition to our new station in life as on office. the client group is a little, um, fickle. we watch out for each other...

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i need to go home now because now it's hometime