daughter's home

this last friday from 3:30pm until about 5pm was perhaps one of the worst periods of my life. maybe an exaggeration, but it was pretty bad either way.

you see, son had called me to tell me that he was going to be hanging out at his mom's place after school - last friday was switchover day between the houses. he wanted to play some game on his mom's computer that the computer's at my place won't run (not new enough). so he wasn't going to go straight to my place after school (he no longer has to pack anything because i have bought him enough clothes and stuff that he is fully equipped at both places).

i asked him whether his sister was ready. he said no - she was out with her mom. he didn't think she was going to be coming over on friday - maybe on saturday. i was flattened. rugged yanked out. in a daze. sick to my stomach (almost puked).

all of those things.

i had built myself up that daughter was really coming back. that she would really be starting to live with me half time again. it's been a long year without her. the couple of weekends and holidays and the sunday morning brunches and stuff just haven't nourished my soul enough.

[flashback]
Daughter spent time at my place over christmas. she spent another weekend at the beginning of january. with her mom fighting it all the way.

daughter had said that she would be coming back. she was supposed to be back two weeks ago, but her mom had allowed her to have a big birthday sleepover, and daughter said she needed to be there to clean and make the place ready or her mom would freak on her (sound familiar?).

daughter was supposed to come over for just the weekend nights and then spend the weekdays at her mom's that week - but mom put the kibosh on that plan by freaking out, laying out heavy bribes, and promoting another sleepover with one of daughter's friends. daughter chose that. pain avoidance and a sleepover. i was disappointed, but lived through it. daughter said that as soon as the birthday was done she would come to stay - that she just didn't want to do anything that would mess up her birthday party - not just making her mom cancel it, but recognising that her mom acting like a stormcloud would ruin her birthday as well - daughter is smart enough about her mom to know that her mother can ruin a day in any number of ways.

on thursday night i phoned over to the house to ask daughter if everything was on track for friday.

the stbx answered. she said "[daughter]'s busy right now. i'll have her call you."

daughter called back a little bit later. i asked daughter if she was free to talk. she said "just a minute, i'll take it on the upstairs phone."

she told me that she had just told her mother that she was for sure staying at my place for the next week. her mother had a complete meltdown all over daughter. said that it was "short notice" and that daughter was "springing this on her" and that it was rude to do tell her just the day before (daughter later remembered that she had told her mother on monday as well).

daughter began to cry on the phone. she wept "i don't know what to do". i told her i wished i was there to hold her. that i knew it must be terribly hard for her, and that i was sorry that she had to be in such a position, and that i would support her no matter what her decision was. and that even if it wouldn't be a good idea to give in to her mother because it would just encourage the freak-outs, that i would understand if she wanted to avoid the short-term pain and decided to split the difference and stay less days at my place. that i didn't want to put any pressure on her - that i knew that was impossible because even discussing the topic of where she would stay was putting pressure on her - but that i wanted it to be as little as possible and as free from recrimination and upset or making daughter feel bad as i could possibly make it.

i kept repeating that whatever her decision was, i would support it. that even if we had to saw off things now to avoid pain, and that even if it made it more drawn out, that i understood that there was only so much that daughter could take - and that sometimes longer drawn out pain is more tolerable than overwhelming short term incidents.

i told daughter i loved her and that i would support her and continue to love her and do whatever i could for her whatever she decided.

we ended the call and it seemed she would still be coming over on friday - but it was still up in the air a little
[/flashback]

back to friday. no matter what the conversation above, it was still a terrible blow to think that she wasn't coming. that the stbx had done it AGAIN. that by freaking out and being an asshole and playing all the emotional games - the anger, the guilt, the crying, the bribes, the everything - stbx had gotten her way - one more time. it was a blow that i wouldn't have my girl back. to just hang out together.

you see daughter and i have done plenty of "dates"

that is what Smitten described them as. she talked about the divorced men she would see (both in a professional psychologist sense and just in her world) who would get their kids for visitation. Dad time was play time. there was no parenting time. no hanging out time. it was a party a minute when it was Dad time because Dad's would be trying to make it the best "quality" time they could.

and Smitten was right. daughter would dress up to impress me. i would try to be shaved and presentable. i would dress in "hip" and fashionable clothes to make her think i was cool. i would make sure i had new music and cool music to share with her. we would do fun - frankly - "date like" things.

Smitten was not criticising - she was observing. she was putting up a warning flag. both for our relationship, and for daughter's developmental progress. daughter associating men and positive male contact with strictly "dating" and "dating scenarios" could put undo expectations on future men in her life. it could warp normal views and relations with men - yes, there is documentation for such conclusions in various journals and publications.

yeah - that's one of the drawbacks to being half-assed self-aware and of dating a psychologist. you have to think about shit like this.

on friday daughter called me as i was leaving work. she told me she was in fact coming to stay for the week.

i was deliriously happy. i was still wrenched at a gut level - the emotion hadn't left me yet. i called Smitten on the way home to tell her how things had worked out (she had called at about 4:30 on her way home). i was able to get past a decent bit of the way i was feeling by the time i picked the kids up.

i was so very happy to have my daughter home.