FEAR

This post was sitting for over a month in the can - I just didn't get around to publishing it because there was so much shit in my head that I couldn't express right - so I left it. Now it works as a stand alone (Nov. 28/05)

Before I begin, I want to say thank-you to buddha_girl for your words [comments on: Well, agreeing to stay was a waste of time.]

There is such a huge difference between what my head tells me and my emotions.

A huge part of what I am dealing with is the feelings (derived from Mrs_c's accusations) that a) I am actually entirely responsible for everything that is currently wrong in my life and my marriage; b) even if I leave to try to make things better for myself, my children will eventually come to despise me because their mother is right about me...

Yeah, I know in my head that it won't probably happen.

I know something about crafting language. I worry that I with my real world friends and with people here, I am just "smooth talking" everyone, and that I really am the untrustworthy, irresponsible bastard my wife has described me as.

I know in my head that she was abused as a child, both sexually (a male extended family member) and physically (beatings by her mother). I know that these sorts of behaviours are often multi-generational and that I am just a convenient target lots of times. But after 17 years, my teflon coating is worn down. I can't actually say that I ever had teflon coating, I had a place where I could put it. Now that place is all used up.

I know in my head the whole checklist of why I'm an OK human being, and who thinks I'm an OK human being.

When I become fearful. I try to think about the people who like me.

I think about the fact that I am the most selected (by parent vote) chaperone for school trips. I think about getting elected chair of various school projects.

I think about the fact that I actually have friends, and Mrs_C doesn't... (except for her sister).

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I have fear that this is all just going to turn to shit

That I'm going to make a decision that will destroy everything

There are four lives involved. I don't care that much about how I might end up stuck in the mire. I worry about my kids. Yeah, I worry about Mrs_C.

And I did actually make a committment to stay with her for better or for worse.

So I stay.

So I wonder.

I think about might be's every day.

Well, agreeing to stay was a waste of time

The conversation described in the Thursday, September 29, 2005 post Apartment hunting: the aftermath ocurred on the last weekend of August.

It is now the middle of October.

Staying was pretty much a waste of time.

It worked better from a financial standpoint - two more months of shared expenses, not having to buy all the inevitable items for independent living, and god knows whatever other unforeseen expenses.

It works for the kids, I suppose - a couple more months of everyone still under the same roof.

Mrs_C has stopped ripping into me regularly. For someone who said she had no idea that she was constantly berating me, it sure stopped in a hurry when I said I wanted to leave - like a light switch it stopped.

The relationship is now almost without substance - except for parenting. We have always done that well.

Have you ever been on a business trip or something where you are temporarily sharing accomodation with another adult whom you are not friends with, but are on polite terms with? That pre-naturally calm, polite, over-polite consideration you give to your temporary roommate so as to not cause any offence.

That's what it's like.

I still don't think she wants to be with me. I think she just wants to see if we can be adequate companions.

She avoids discussions about us, or about feelings.

However, the home renovation express just keeps on rolling.

I have refused to pay for any of the stuff related to the new renovations. In the past I rang up credit cards and lines of credit to pay for it. Now I'm paying down debt and hoarding cash in the event of a split.

This sucks.

It's empty, and it's hollow.