FEAR

This post was sitting for over a month in the can - I just didn't get around to publishing it because there was so much shit in my head that I couldn't express right - so I left it. Now it works as a stand alone (Nov. 28/05)

Before I begin, I want to say thank-you to buddha_girl for your words [comments on: Well, agreeing to stay was a waste of time.]

There is such a huge difference between what my head tells me and my emotions.

A huge part of what I am dealing with is the feelings (derived from Mrs_c's accusations) that a) I am actually entirely responsible for everything that is currently wrong in my life and my marriage; b) even if I leave to try to make things better for myself, my children will eventually come to despise me because their mother is right about me...

Yeah, I know in my head that it won't probably happen.

I know something about crafting language. I worry that I with my real world friends and with people here, I am just "smooth talking" everyone, and that I really am the untrustworthy, irresponsible bastard my wife has described me as.

I know in my head that she was abused as a child, both sexually (a male extended family member) and physically (beatings by her mother). I know that these sorts of behaviours are often multi-generational and that I am just a convenient target lots of times. But after 17 years, my teflon coating is worn down. I can't actually say that I ever had teflon coating, I had a place where I could put it. Now that place is all used up.

I know in my head the whole checklist of why I'm an OK human being, and who thinks I'm an OK human being.

When I become fearful. I try to think about the people who like me.

I think about the fact that I am the most selected (by parent vote) chaperone for school trips. I think about getting elected chair of various school projects.

I think about the fact that I actually have friends, and Mrs_C doesn't... (except for her sister).

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I have fear that this is all just going to turn to shit

That I'm going to make a decision that will destroy everything

There are four lives involved. I don't care that much about how I might end up stuck in the mire. I worry about my kids. Yeah, I worry about Mrs_C.

And I did actually make a committment to stay with her for better or for worse.

So I stay.

So I wonder.

I think about might be's every day.