cleaning the place

i've been cleaning the apartment since daughter came back. there's little piles of stuff here and there. son's room - the room they have to share (bunkbeds) needed to be re-ordered and have things moved out. i've been throwing out stuff that has accumulated in the last year since son and i became bachelor roommates rather than a family - since daughter went away.

but now that she's back

got to make it "nice". yes - that's my soon to be ex-wife you hear screaming out in that statement. the permanent imprint of her views about what women like has not gone away.

last year sometime - before she left - daughter made a comment about the state of the grouting in my shower. it's 30 year old grout. it's a little yellow. it's not my place - i only ever expected to be there a few months - it's now a year and a half later (that's part of the stbx's design - keep me out of decent accommodations so the kids will think my place sucks and not want to go there. she said it to me and has skirted that statement in arguments with the kids (when they were arguing with her that she should settle with me). she would say things like "why should i help him out?", "if he decided that he didn't want to live in a house anymore and be a family, why should i help him have one", "why shouldn't he feel the pain of the break-up of this family? why should it be all easy for him?", and "why should i give him any of my money? i've already given him enough over the years").

daughter didn't like the apartment. i think. i only know what son said - and the stbx - but i don't trust her. i know that the stbx fed daughter lots of lines and worked her hard on all the negatives about the place, and i know that she probed for everything she could find to make daughter not want to stay there. so when i am reacting the stbx - i am indeed reacting to the stbx - as given voice through my daughter.

i hadn't even thought of it until last night when talking to Smitten who suggested that going back to the counselor might be a good idea. she said that i might need to talk out some issues around the move back in that i may need more freedom in saying than i might have in talking to her (she is a wonderful resource - i try to avoid using her as a counselor, but it's kind of an occupational hazard...). she did not want to dissuade me from talking to her, and said it was not her intention to send me elsewhere - but that there were probably issues that would need to be addressed - like the loss of bachelor status and becoming a Dad again - like the anger that is still so present - that is popping up because of daughter being there. the stories that daughter tells, the feelings she has, the things she talks about - all of it is triggering anger - focused around the stbx. Smitten does not want to go - and i don't go there much - in discussion of some of the issues that surround the stbx and our relationship. she rightly doesn't want to be party to some of the details.

Smitten also suggested a couple of practitioners in town that deal with anger issues and the release of long term anger and suppressed/contained violent impulses.

I am so sick of being angry at the stbx. what a fucking waste of time. i am sick of all the triggers, i'm sick of even thinking about her. i am sick of the influence she still has on my life. it's like a bad smell in your house that just won't go away.

anyway

so, i'm cleaning up my place and making it nicer. i have talked to the kids about it - especially son - and told them that things are different now that we are a family unit and not just two bachelor guys hanging out. that there is a different standard that needs to be attained.

son and i have talked about making the place better before, but it's so easy to slough. if you have food, access to the computers. the bathroom is half-assed clean... and you are oblivious to other stuff, or it just doesn't impact your consciousness. well...

i would clean up when Smitten came over. I would try to keep things up. but son is a walking disaster zone. i'm somewhat better. but son can trash a place in a matter of a couple of days (it takes me a few weeks on non-effort). glasses and dishes everywhere. socks left lying around. clothes dropped wherever.

i try to avoid bitching too much. i don't want to be on the boy's case too much. i hate receiving it and hate giving it.

i have thrown things out. bought some new containers and such. put all the laundry away (it was done but in baskets). i have cleared various surfaces. bought a shredder to shred the inevitable pile of credit card and other receipts and things.

oh - and the grout? it's pretty much white. i used terminally toxic chemicals over a 2 week period to bleach the ass off it. i don't like using harsh chemicals any time, but daughter coming back trumped my toxic chemical unhappiness.

i scrubbed walls and used harsh cleaners on them too.

i bought new sheets and pillow slips.

blah, blah, blah

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i'm buying daughter more clothes. she said she was going to bring over the clothes that i bought her previously. the idea is to have a supply of clothes at my place so that there is no suitcase lugging. they just walk out the door with their schoolbags and they're a go.

son has a big pile of clothes at my place. until i actually had them all washed and put away, i had no idea of how many clothes i had bought him. when he told me he didn't need any more - he was right...

i bought daughter her own bath sheet. each of us has one. i had one - got one for Smitten (last year). Son saw it, wanted to use it. I said no. Bought him one so that he wouldn't feel put out. Daughter didn't have one (as she hasn't been a permanent fixture), so we went out and bought her one now.

daughter is a little pickier than son on clothes. she wants it all to be a certain style and way. son is a little less picky - not uncaring, but more prepared to say "yeah. ok. let's not shop and go eat" or things in that line.

daughter needs to have a wardrobe that is a style statement.

so

whatever

i'll shop for clothes with her.

she'll have clothes at my place.

and the place will be clean(er).