alrighty then...

sorry i haven't posted during this whole period

i know how waiting for news about my friends (you folks and in real life) always makes me crazy - not knowing what's happening to people you care about

i'm sorry

i have been attending counseling twice a week, talking to Smitten multiple times a day, talking with the kids non-stop (helping them through what they are feeling), dealing with my parents (who mean well, but are almost like having to deal with my kids...) and thinking about the situation almost non-stop since early december

as well as all the medical and other appointments and lawyer crap

and having to talk to and deal with the stbx - more than even before - too much - aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it becomes almost too painful to deal with to then type it all up again for the blog

sorry - really

i think about all of you constantly - sometimes i am able to flick by your blogs in the middle of the rest of things

----

how's it going?

January 7th was supposed to be the court date but the stupid cow and her lawyer filed a motion for an extension. my lawyer said they are almost always granted, especially since there is nothing pressing and i will maintain the current arrangement which is the one i am requesting in the motion until the 23rd

i hate this

i hate the uncertainty. the worst uncertainty is for daughter - she doesn't know whether she will somehow end up back at the house for a week at a time - but now without her brother to shield her. she is playing it very cagey and tentative with her mom and "blaming" everything on me. saying she has "no choice". and that i have imposed the regime on everyone.

we agreed she should do this to protect her from the "wrath of mom" until we have something official and legal

the stbx refuses to send schedules of when she wants visits and tries to just lob herself into the mix at random - based on whether she wants company at a given moment or not. that puts the kids under pressure and gives her a point of drama and entanglement with me

i had to refuse to discuss such matters unless she sends a written schedule

its still not even a schedule - its a few sentences that almost never contain a time or place or description of event or whom will be the "supervising" or "accompanying" person. i end up having to rewrite the note and send it back with times locations pick-up and drop-off responsibilities, blah, blah, blah - passive-aggressive crap on her part

it is still only at the point when i refuse to allow her access that she even sends that - you see it also gives her an excuse to try to entangle me into phone conversations by whining and balking

there have been a couple of "must attend" events that she has been able to get me to agree to allowing verbally (then i follow up by email) - so she keeps trying to stretch the arrangements and push me - she knows how much i hate hassle and arguments and being pressured - just like my kids know i will cave on minor points just to avoid pain and hassle...

the "must attends" she has pushed on have been christmas stuff with her family and an engagement party for her nephew and daughter's dance events (and an appointment to make alterations to daughter's outfit [ethnic dance costume])

until i have the legal clout to tell her to fuck off i have to always "act in the best interest of the child". christmas and her dance are that...

aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it's the endless entanglement and having to even talk to her and endless rambling and circular conversations that make so crazy

it's not even the shit she pulls so much

it's the excruciating pain and suffering of having to endure her endless rambling bullshit and whining

the kids and i have talked about how this is a form of abuse - we all just hate it

----

Smitten just arrived for a late lunch

i'm at the university right now - i have resumed taking classes

so i'm going to post this because i have no idea of whether my plan to finish it this afternoon will work out

so i will post this as an incomplete narrative

see you later

all my love and best wishes to everyone