been hiding

[adapted from an email to another friend]

with best of intentions, i have wanted to be around here, and around your blogs

but, i haven't been around anywhere too much

been hiding - literally

without going into the long details of the universe or any further historical whinefest - i have PTSD - stuffing the emotion and stress associated with a violent school environment as a kid, the repression of natural child exuberance from being part of a political household (always on display...), and then a violent and emotionally abusive 20 year marriage - resulting in fibromyalgia as well

i am in therapy to address the issues. i am in a new kind of therapy called somatic experience where the therapist leads you through reconnecting to your body.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

positive from a healing perspective, but fucks me over a bit with bodily reactions and so on. because i can actually feel parts of my body that i haven't felt in years, and addressing some of my psychological firmament, and because i am rejecting the control methods i used previously, actually physically feeling parts of my body/muscles that were in spasm, numb, or partially paralysed leaves me a little emotionally rocky...

the team of therapists i am working with are experimenting with my treatment - the treatment and techniques themselves are experimental - they haven't had anyone as messed (the trauma healing techniques have been primarily used in relation to car accidents and stuff like that) that is as intelligent, self-aware, and motivated to hard and go fast as me. i'm told most folks are more resistant to changing themselves. they are working with a group of counselors from around north america to try different nuances and applications of what to this point have been theories with minimal real world application/verification

some of the people in the larger group are working with people returning from the wars so there is a keen interest in a subject who is from a disciplined background, moving fast, highly aware, knows the jargon and is able to feed back into their technique honing

but it's hard sometimes

so i hide

luckily i am good enough at what i do, and my workplace is understanding enough (being a medical facility and all...), that i can hide and do the behind the scenes stuff at work without having to come out

so, that's the story

as i said - i had positive intention - but that was before the alterations to my being from the new therapy. and i wait until it passes