I Feel Good

[An Email To Smitten - Monday, February 22, 2010]

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I feel good this morning

Panic and adrenaline shock and fear and anxiety are trying to work their way into my psyche, but I have been able to hold them off so far - no - not hold them off... Have them blow around me - like the curved walls of a monolithic dome

It's still a wall - and the pressure is still there threatening - but it passes differently

Not quite the mighty oak I want to be - you see, when trees flex in the wind - like muscle being damaged by exercise - it makes tiny breaks in the cellulose structure of the tree which when healed makes the tree thicker and stronger

That's what I want - the flexibility in spirit to become stronger through adversity

Not the rigidity of having to fight

The difference between a seawall and a mangrove swamp

But, because I only have you to trust, I cannot be a cypress tree with interlocking roots helping support all the trees to survive the onslaught

So, for now I am the mighty oak (wanna be anyway... fake it 'til you make it... visualisation exercise...)

Perhaps if I were "surrounded by like minded people" I could be a cypress tree - then it wouldn't matter that we were living in the swamp - and swamps are full of life and sound and diversity - it would be our environment and we would be nourished by it's teeming life and energy

Because we would be living

In a place that was/is alive - full of sound - life - vitality

Much better than a desert - whether concrete and urban or the sand kind

Or the semi-arid, semi-desert that is [where we live] - waiting for a little rain - a little sunshine - a little warmth - to bloom for the week that we do - to wither and die until the next year we have the chance to bloom in the desert

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I listened to music this morning and enjoyed it

It has been awhile

Music, except for very mellow background stuff (like Sade), has irritated me for months - except when exercising when it is just a beat - even then - much of it irritated me and I kept forwarding through songs on the player

Now music is ok