Lara wrote (about me and her husband):
"The only person you can change is yourself."
"I can't force him to change, or to treat me like I think I deserve. But I can call him on his unfair comments. I can refuse to accept the undeserved slams. It is hard for me, as I tend to just take whatever he says & does... but I think the only way to fix things is to change myself to make the way he has treated me not work any more. For too long, he has gotten away with it."
One of my other friends said to me (when i decided to stay after the first go 'round):
"If she doesn't like who you are, maybe she'll like who you want to be."
As I whine on in this blog (yes, i know i shouldn't typify it as whining), I want to let you know about some of the things I have been doing. Since late September I have been:
1) losing weight - about 35 lbs so far
2) taken up daily exercise
3) undertaken a martial art
I am also:
1) going to a counsellor (being a guy who has always tried to deny emotion for logic, I think that some reflection of how I REALLY feel instead of how I SHOULD feel is in order)
2) writing down the things I think and feel (outside this blog)
3) making an EVEN STRONGER effort to do things with my kids (I have always been there for them, but I want to be there extra during this time)
4) i have begun learning piano (my kids are teaching me)
5) i have begun learning more than the pidgin french i currently speak (my kids are teaching me)
6) i have begun planning some of the travel i want to do and how to do it
I am focused and dedicated to becoming the person I want to be.
Not because it might attract Mrs_C - i'm pretty much done with that.
I want to live a life of exuberance, joy and travel, not a life of endless home renovations, chores, and hedge trimming (I like building things, just not endlessly, and to the exclusion of living life).
I want to greet each day with the freshness, enthusiasm, energy, and possibility of first light on a spring morning.
Oh, and one more thing, I'm going to be one of the muscular toned hard body guys the ladies at the VW CBB always pant over.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
2 comments:
Focusing on the positive things you can do for yourself and your children will cause decision-making about your marriage to come to fruition.
Why?
Your wife will either see that she also needs to change, or you will have succeeded in making a new life for yourself and your children to enjoy sans the verbal abuse your wife appears to heap on your home.
I'm so proud of you for staying focused during a time when so many people crawl into a hole and hibernate in hopes the problem will go away. If you need anything, this chick is here for you! *hard hugs*
thanks buddha_girl
i need a hug pretty bad
----
i've already been in that hole in the past - that's the place i was in while unemployed after university.
(see the post: Pending...)
i've had a boot stuck in that hole for several years as i let myself go and gained weight and such. i spent too much time imagining freedom, and not living it.
the hole didn't work before, and i saw no reason it would work this time.
i had a few considerations:
1) my children are modelling behaviour that will affect them for their whole lives when they observe me.
if i run away, they would learn that behaviour. i have already taught them appeasement and accepting abuse to date - how will that serve my daughter especially? what if she gets into an abusive relationship? will i have taught her to suck up abuse?
i must teach them to confront situations of abuse and unfairness even when it is someone you love. i have taught them to confront the system (see my comments about my son's hell in school in the comments section of "My daughter says she undertands it's not her fault"). we succesfully took on the system and came out ahead. both children are comfortable in public speaking, performance, and debate - they also need to learn the same strength inside the home.
my son is already very angry at his mother - he didn't even want to buy her a birthday gift. do i allow his anger against his mother to fester?
i must be a positive role model. as i said to briar rose: "i say that i would die for my children. will i live for them as well?"
2) if i am unhappy about my life, and about myself, how would it be different if i was in a different life? if i won that lotto, what would i do?
- i have developed my list of things i want to be, and characteristics and accomplishments i wish to have.
- i have developed my list of regrets, and i'm seeing if i can fix them now, or do the things i regret not doing
- i have a list of things yet to do and i'm trying to figure out how to do them
i'm trying to be a good role model to myself and to my children. i want my life to be life worth having lived
----
buddha_girl wrote:
I'm so proud of you for staying focused during a time when so many people crawl into a hole and hibernate in hopes the problem will go away.
thank-you buddha_girl. your thoughts, your words, your tears, and your encouragement are part of what has kept me going through all of this.
i have never met in person some of the people who have been closest through this ordeal. but knowing you (and others) care enough to read/listen is kind of like invisible secret armour that only I know about. Even if everything in the real world were to go for shit, I always have that secret place to go to gather my strength to come back one more time.
Desmond Tutu said: "The measure of a man is not how many times he falls, but how many times he gets up."
A recent fave movie of mine (dare you to identify it) had this line:
"And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
buddha_girl wrote:
If you need anything, this chick is here for you! *hard hugs*
knowing you give a hoot about what happens to me is a tremendous contribution to my well-being. really. for real.
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