i hate this

my son just came in drunk to pick a game up

him, his friend, and daughter had been drinking gin shots at their mother's while she was out

he just left again to go back because they are having supper with her this evening

i thought about calling the police or social services or someone

i asked him what he thought he was doing drinking with his sister

he said that if it wasn't him and gin, that his sister would currently be out with one of her friends - one of the bad ones (the sex and X one)

and maybe doing ecstasy - because daughter has been talking about crossing over into that scene

i do not know what to do

i told Smitten last night on the phone that i believed that daughter had made a conscious decision to become fucked up. because it took too much energy to resist and drugs and bullshit are easier.

and her mom is bribing her heavily

it is sort of like that moment in the horror movies about satanic possession when the young woman has finally beaten the possession - and then returns - pre-naturally calm - because she has given up fighting and has gone wholly over to the dark side

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daughter came home on friday night and told me that her mother was taking her to a rave that night - and attending it herself. and as i stared in disbelief, daughter gleefully announced "Yeah - I know - I'm such a usurious bitch. And she's paying for everything."

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Yesterday, it looked like my personal marijuana stash had been rifled and some was gone. It certainly weighed less than the last time I had weighed it. And i hadn't used any. (I described my short term use of marijuana for fibromyalgia pain in the post where's cadbury). I was keeping a gram in case I had a severe emergency/extreme pain situation (7 grams = 1/4 ounce - so 1/7th of a 1/4 ounce).

I kept it around, and hidden - not very well hidden, but away. The kids were not aware

My box of ziploc bags were on the counter when i got home from exercising. I was suspicious immediately. I had thought my daughter had searched my drawers before.

I checked my pot - scaled it (my son's specialised digital pocket scale [from the local "head shop"]) and some was missing.

I raised it with each of them separately. I didn't mince words. I advised them I had it and what it was for.

Son told me that daughter had mysteriously shown up with a small amount. That she had ripped him off already.

I told my son and my daughter that if they ever ripped me off - money, marijuana, stuff - anything - they would have to find other living arrangements. That since i couldn't prove it that i wouldn't be kicking them out at this point - but that they were on notice.

Nobody is going to start ripping me off.

When the stealing starts - it signals a whole different level of trouble.

(they both ran out of money and pot last week - son earned some since working for my parents [he took the lectures], but daughter has been avoiding them and the work they offer since the acid thing blew up - i discussed it with my parents. they were asking why i wasn't getting a job to supplement the money they were helping me with. i explained the newest developments and asked them if they thought i should - regardless of the lack of visible progress to stopping the decline of my children)

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Now the kids are getting drunk. When I suggested this was an example of substance substitution like his mother (see post: Sweetened Coconut).

He said it was just a change of pace - and stumbled out the door.

i asked "Have you considered mini-golf?"

he said "Mini-golf only lasts for an hour," and the stairwell door closed behind him.

i followed to the top of the stairs and told him to hang on to the railing tightly so he didn't fall down the stairs. my next door neighbour (when i was a kid) was an alcoholic and she died falling down some stairs...

i told him to double check that there are no cars when he crosses the major street when walking from here to there because his judgment was impaired

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I am at a loss

I guess I need to get on that al-anon even faster

But I don't know what to do

nothing seems to work - i will not leap into ridiculous or impulsive action

the various professionals i am working with have told me that the factor i cannot control is the constant influence of the children's mother - and that while they realise that she is a bad influence - until she overtly does something - the law won't allow them to make a case - there is not law against lousy parenting - or even constant psychological low level abuse - only laws and rules against overt and clearly definable harm. and even then it is several strikes before someone is out...

i beg and i plead for them to give me some kind of solution

but all i've got is what i've got

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i felt like i had made a bit of a breakthrough last night

i got son to admit that the pot was affecting him negatively mentally and emotionally

he has to this point denied that effect

yesterday after giving him a lot of grief (not yelling, but discussion and questioning [for about one and half hours]) he finally admitted that it had an effect.

i told him that it was pretty obvious that there was a problem with a person's life when they had to smoke pot every day to get through each day. he said that it might be true, but that i had a lot more options to change my life than he did - that no matter what solution or change he came up with he would still have to go to school every day - and couldn't change that.

but he admnitted it was taking a toll

he then said "But I don't care"

but i can work with that

after he said it he went and hung his still slightly damp clothes on the drying rack

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Smitten says that in a breakthrough moment like that - where someone says it out loud at last, that their demeanor and actions tell you how they are feeling about it

and that him taking some action to "control" his universe was good sign

that if he had just sat down in a helpless lump it would be much worse

that his actions spoke of an internal view that shows that he actually does know its's a problem and that he hasn't given up

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now he's off with my daughter drunk

she is apparently less so

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i hate this

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he assured me they wouldn't drive (the friend drives) - especially since they are due for supper shortly

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i'm going to the gym and to buy some vegetables for healthy meals for the coming few days

if i don't go to the gym i'll collapse

sometimes it's an escape for me when i don't know what else to do

go work out for two hours

i emerge usually with less physical manifestations of stress and a somewhat clearer head

the gym is better than pot

the gym is better than stewing

the gym is actually better than this blog and my journal that i have been writing for most of the day

but i have to get my ideas out of me

i have to have an escape valve somewhere - somehow

because on top of all of this stuff i am also dealing with a lot of things inside of me as well. i have reached a pretty critical point in my counseling - in dealing with the abuse i suffered in my marriage

and the abuse and violence i suffered as a child at school (and at the hands of my older brother and the lack of intervention by my parents). the daily beatings - the cracks on the nose to make my nose bleed every recess.

and me asking why - why didn't my parents or anyone protect me?

we went to a play at the university a few weeks ago - we didn't know - it turned out to be about an extremely imaginative child and the abuse he suffers in the schoolyard.

while the portrayal was artsy/poetic - the scenes were highly truthful

all the way to the way the kids circled the lead character like a pack of jackals. the way they took turns beating him - kicking him - never quite leting him get his bearings and keeping him disoriented. Smitten asked me if I wanted to leave after the first couple of minutes - i refused. i was not about to leave - to not bear witness - even to a fictional character's hurt

i was glad it was dark. tears streamed down all through the performance. it was so bad that at several instances - and after the performance when we went back to Smitten's house - it was so bad i almost lost control of my bodily functions

shit myself

piss myself

throw-up

yeah - that bad. it's embarrassing to admit that to you - and to Smitten

my reaction was sheer terror

i had bottled up so much at the time

in not showing emotion. because any emotion or reaction just made things worse - they would make the taunting and the beatings worse

i didn't ever really understand the terror

the terror of being a child in grade school 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old - and having to go back and face that every single day - someone hitting me or taking a whack at my nose -taunting - always with the threat of violence, torture, degradation, and humiliation right behind

i hate schools and i hate teachers (sorry BG [but i like to think you would have stomped a couple of those kids if you were there])

terror

visceral terror

and i almost lost control of my body at the age of 43

i survived that night with the railworkers (see last post an almost letter to a friend). i have survived having knives pulled on me, getting sliced by one of them, getting hit with all variety of instruments. and have not had a single boo of an effect

but that play was awful for me

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so, i'm going to go to the gym

and buy some vegetables for a healthy meal