steps

over the winter i took a few steps with regard to my children's drug use. i operated under what i termed a harm reduction strategy. i took my cues from methods of intervention used in schools, facilities and programs in various locations in Canada and the U.S.

i reviewed my actions, and what i believed my posture to be, with counselors and drug and addictions staff at the high school my son attends.

i chose to allow them to smoke pot inside the apartment while the weather was below -20C instead of banishing them to the outside or to friends places (they would also often just walk to their mother's and smoke at the house while she wasn't there).

i chose to have them do their thing at my apartment, rather than go to some of their friends' places - some of which are in "the 'hood" (or at least what we call such here) - or go to their mothers house. i chose to try to protect them, to try to ensure their safety while trying to get them to reduce their use.

i chose to attempt to educate them on the nature of drugs and to give them all the information i could find.

i thought that advising them of risks would reduce the likelihood that they would move on to harder drugs. to date, son has not moved on.

however, their use has become chronic. i still believe their use to be a symptom of other pressures, but at this point the drugs themselves are becoming a standalone problem.

yesterday i called a conference between the three of us. we talked. there were some highly tense moments (i may discuss them in a later post). at one point a friend of mine came over - he called me to see how i was doing and told him about the fact that i had been within millimetres of beating/enacting violence on both my children (literally). and that i was at that point trying to get them to discuss solutions to the situation - i cannot impose solutions - that will only drive their use underground as they ignore me.

you see - i think "tough love" is a method of avoidance for the most part. it allows the authority figure (parent) to claim the moral high ground while simply washing their hands of responsibility. i will not wash my hands of my responsibility.

engagement is much more difficult than sabre rattling. i choose to engage. i choose to persuade and attempt to lead.

i believe in a redeeming God (when i believe in God...) and a redeeming universe. i believe that the measure of a person is not how many times they fall, but how many times they pick themselves up.

my friend is a law enforcement officer (he is also an internationally known/hired bodyguard) - we were bouncers together about 20 years ago. he is currently in immigration enforcement - with his knowledge and experience he's one of the people that gets called to find and remove true slimeballs (child molesters/multiple murderes/rapists/etc) from the country. i was on mushy ground with the kids and when he said he was coming over, i said OK. i was at a bit of a loss. son was talking and debating, but daughter not so much.

history: my friend had previously asked me if there was anything he could do to help. i had asked him to give my kids a briefing on meth and MDMA (ecstasy [X]) production methods - one of my key points in harm reduction is to keep my kids away from X, meth, and crack (not much crack around here, though). my kids both have friends that are X-heads. X can be bought for as little as $1.50 (and most of it is actually meth) a hit. i figured i could keep them from moving to a cheaper and more dangerous substance by engaging with them and trying to steer them away from harder drugs by education and persuasion. i had also asked my friend to teach me a few (2 or 3) moves to deal with punks in the event of needing to rescue my kids from a bad situation (speaking of "the 'hood"). i am fully capable in a brawl - but wanted to learn few moves i had been introduced to by a cop that are used to incapacitate idiots and punks (weird thumb holds and small joint manipulation techniques). my friend teaches knife combat, stck combat, and unarmed combat at our national police academy (analogue: like if he taught at the FBI academy) and also teaches various city police forces. (no - i am not making this shit up)

he came over and talked to the kids. he took a bit of a different tack than i expected. he talked about the level of adulteration of different kinds of drugs - especially chemically based drugs - like the acid my daughter dropped - and then suggested that they both grow up. he told my son that he needed to be a man and not a punk - that being the source of the acid daughter dropped (daughter lied and told him a mutual friend wanted it [yeah - i was very unhappy with this scene in totality]) was not the actions of a man - that a man would protect his 13 year old sister and would never hand over acid to any 13 year old - especially his sister. he described a couple of the situations in our city where some whitebread folks had decided they were badass gangsters and ended up wired to chairs and tortured for his ATM PIN (white teen went to the hood to buy drugs [our racial underclass is north american indians]). another local young restaurateur (who happened to be the cousin of the stbx's sister's husband [the geophysicist]) who ended up chopped into pieces and found in parts inside a burned out car on an indian reservation (the kids had some awareness of the nature of his demise previously - but my friend added a bunch more grisly details).

blah, blah, blah

my friend left. son asked me if he could light up. i told him i wasn't going to give him permission, and i wasn't going to tell him not to - that the whole point of the episode/session was to get them to exercise judgment. i wanted to see his choice.

he lit up

i do not believe in "gateway drug" theories. i am of the opinion that an addictive personality is an addictive personality (and gene pool).

that being said - the time has come to disrupt my childrens' drug use.

my daughter has crossed the line from "organics" to chemicals - and said she'll do acid again.

harm reduction in this case has not worked. both of them are looking for escape and are only finding it in drugs.

i am taking a series of measures: no drug use in the apartment - not by them, not by their friends. daughter is no longer allowed to hang out with son and his friends. both will be required to attend narcotics anonymous and al-anon meetings with me. both are required to attend treatment/education sessions with our health district's alcohol and drugs unit. son is required to get a job.

there will be no "crashing" at the apartment when son has friends over - any sleepovers by friends will have to be pre-arranged and pre-approved. his friends will not be allowed to come over when daughter is at the apartment (she is back on week on/week off). i will be refusing to allow son to go to his best friend's house (best friend is his primary source of pot) later than 10 pm on school nights (I currently will allow 10:30-11:00). if i catch son wandering outside to get high after 10pm he will have to find somewhere else to sleep that night (he would likely go to his mom's place 3 blocks away, but hopefully it will indicate my seriousness).

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it is my hope that the disruptive shockwaves of the above actions will be a starting point. the above practices and strictures are not all that inconveniencing - they will just disrupt their current pattern. much like a person who is trying to give up smoking is urged to alter their normal habits and routines in order to avoid the patterns of normal usage (like whom you go for coffee with, taking up exercise in place of coffee and a smoke - those sorts of things)

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i have gotten references to a number of professionals by my daughters counsellor - a support group, professionals in the field of youth addiction, and such - i am attempting to become even more informed on the subject of addiction and dependency

i need to make sure that my actions are not co-dependent or enabling - and so far i can construe many of my actions as naively well-intentioned, and as enabling. i am not pillorying myself. i have been instrumental in keeping both of them away from X and meth - but obviously my methods have not wholly worked.

as my friend said to the kids last night (about 5 or 6 times [for my benefit, i am sure]): "Your dad, even though he knows better, still believes that love can cure everything."

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daughter had a breakthrough (in my opinion) while talking with son and myself. she said that part of the reason she wants to take drugs - and wants to take acid again - is because then she doesn't feel like herself - and she hates who she is.

that she is weak and betrays people - like her brother when she betrayed him by lying and actually getting the acid for herself. like betraying me, like btraying her mother

that she feels like she is constantly lying ind betraying people (which she is and does).

we talked a bit and son pushed fairly hard (i had to get him to back off sometimes - he can be a pushy prick). daughter said that she doesn't want to ever make a mistake - so she lies and covers up - and doesn't make her true intentions known

because she hates being wrong

she hates people telling her she's wrong or doing something wrong - not because she wants to be perfect (what son tried to accuse her of) - but to avoid the pain of criticism and to avoid getting shit

the fact that she said these things out loud is significant

that means she has at least partially admitted it to herself

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she said she doesn't want to live at the apartment, and she doesn't want to live with her mom - she just wants to be left alone

while at one level it is a cop-out...

she's also only 13 years old - and is still a child - and is still suffering under the pressures and chaos that has been inflicted on her

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(do you think it's passing odd that daughter does this right after she goes back to her mom's place - this acting out?

my mom asked me "Why does she only do it to you? Why not to [stbx]?"

my counselor said "In young children they most often act out with the people they feel the safest with, and the closest to. There is no reason to think that this behaviour would change in an adolescent - or even an adult.")

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son

son has a dependency issue

have to fix that

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daughter

son

i need to

take steps