how's it going?

i suck at posting

there is so much happening that it causes me writer's block - or writer's cramps - or something like that

when i was in counseling (ended at the end of april) we had to lengthen the sessions because i would spend the first 30 minutes of a 60 minute appointment with a recitation of events filling in the details to my counselor - and then not fully get to some of the underlying issues that needed to be worked on

same here

i want to chronicle the details and there are so many and so much that i can't. and because i am so ploddingly ordered that way... it causes me problems in trying to post - because i can't remember how everything went down and in exactly what order

so i'm going to ditch my practice out of necessity

perhaps its one of those skills i am meant to learn - or one of those things i have to learn to just let go in an increasingly disordered world

so,

where are things at?

i'm OK

my fibromyalgia is acting up - but that is likely stress related. and i've had a bit.

Smitten and I are still an item. She is a saint for putting up with the crap in my life and its impact on our relationship. I am, however, eminently worth it. And I'm actually beginning to realise/believe that.

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My daughter hasn't dropped acid recently, does smoke pot all the time, but doesn't do meth or E (yet). She did get a prescription for birth control... the patch. I had a very serious conversation with her about her inability to keep on a pill regimen when she was on Prozac - so she has the patch. I have discussed my concern that she is too young to be having sex, but i am not going to be stupid either. What I have tried to impress on her is: "Try to at least make it someone you care about. Instead of some romp at a party on top of a pile of coats. Try to make it memorable..."

I have also tried to explain to her that she should still use a condom because of the possibility of STDs. I have additionally tried to get her to realise that any guy who refuses to wear a condom with her doesn't respect her, and she shouldn't be banging him anyway. She hasn't acknowledged much of what I have said, but i have had my words come back to me out of her mouth as she talks about her worldview, and from her brother as he relates things she's said to him. So maybe i got through.

I just had a conversation with her - she is having her period right now so she will need to begin her patch cycle right after. She wanted me to pick up her prescription. I refused. I told her she could walk to the pharmacy after school tomorrow. I also told her she is going to buy herself a box of condoms while she's there. That she is going to take ownership of her own actions.

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Son dropped out of school. I at least got him to withdraw instead of being kicked out. They had already booted him for missing school, but reversed it all and made it withdrawals instead. I had a fight with him for almost a week to actually be enough of a man to not just let things happen to him - to choose - to control his withdrawal. He was afraid to face the music. Now, he almost proudly explains to his friends how by making the choice to withdraw and to have the administrators do the paperwork has made sure he has no hassles to get back into school.

I think he learned the lesson he needed to learn. That a controlled or managed crash will most often have better outcomes than just letting it all go and letting the system have its way with you.

He has a girlfriend. They are having sex. My condom supply is running out because the stupid fucker (literally) hasn't gotten a job yet to pay for his own shit. But, I suppose, all things in their time.

I had to push pretty hard for him to get his resume together - but he did. It sucked. I had done one for him, and gave it to him after he made his own. Not to prove how great i am (like my Dad likely would have done), but to help him out. I told him that i wanted him to go through the process of doing the resume for himself. That i believe that part of his problem is that i have run to wipe his nose or his ass as soon as it needed it for his whole life - and that because so often i was pre-emptive in my caregiving that i believed he found my watching out for him to be intrusive rather than helpful. So he can do his own shit. He can pick himself up and motivate himself.

I have given Son a notice of eviction. Daughter got a notice of grounding. I posted each two page document at the front door and am leaving them on the wall to see every day. The notices detail the things they need to do to avoid getting their asses kicked.

It has been a struggle, but they are starting to change their behaviours.

It has been a very tension filled household for the last month.

I had to find work. Money was an issue. Son was dropping out. Daughter was hacking at herself again.

But I/we've struggled to the surface again.

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My job is OK. Today is two weeks on the job. On my second day one of the servers failed.

Welcome to your new job...

The server and network structure is for shit. i have NO respect for my predecessors. The whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. I am fixing it. But I will detail some of that in a separate post.

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Smitten has been accepted into grad school for her master's. she is taking human resources development.

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she is an amazing human being

and i am so glad that we found each other

it is becoming harder and harder to be apart. we have even discussed our wish to live together - not at some ephemeral future date - but now. but we won't until a whole lot of other shit is worked through and lived through.

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the stbx is still nuts

we have a mediation session on friday

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i am going to exercise now

more later

can has job?

i start on monday

Smitten was looking for a job and saw one she thought would work for me (the government runs the largest jobs website in the province - it was on there)

i mostly sloughed getting my shit together, but managed to get my resume into some semblance of order and fired it off. i really didn't believe in myself enough to think i could get the job.

but i did

in fact the people interviewing me were more worried about me deciding to bolt for a higher paid job after 6 months than anything else

it's worth $45K a year - they started me at the 1 year increment. it's about $5K less than my last job and is less than i want to be making at this time - $60K-$70K, but i haven't finished my certificate

and beggars can't be choosers

there were a few other jobs that i was applying for that would have paid more, but this job has better happiness/satisfaction characteristics

the other jobs would have seen me as a cpg in a large machine/team chained to my desk slogging through code and website development stuff

instead i will be the (singular) computer dude at a medical clinic. they have 7 doctors and around 40 staff. it is the clinic that was the flashpoint for the creation of modern medicare in canada. my parents were among the founders of the clinic, and were founding board members. my history and lineage played a limited role in me getting the job, mostly because it spoke to my existing commitment to the philosophy of the clinic.

it's a very progressive clinic (it's actually a membership co-op) - they additionally have 2 nurse practitioner, physiotherapists, exercise therapists/coaches, dietitians, counseling services, a pharmacy, in-house lab, blah, blah, blah. the clinic is directly funded by the department of health - it is almost like a hospital in its standing. it is the place where lots of new ideas about how to practice medicine in an integrated care (primary health care teams) environment gets tested. the doctors (GPs) are on salary not paid on fee for service (most of the specialists in the province are also on salary with the health region - one of the big complaints from doctors here is that they want to be doctors not business people or accountants - so we are SLOWLY moving toward a salaried structure for most doctors)

(while most health care is publicly funded, hospitals [inside of health regions] and some clinics are directly financed by the government. outside of that doctors open up fee for service clinics/practices owned by them and operate them as businesses - the billing goes to the government for payment. the fee schedule is negotiated between the department of health and the provincial medical association. extra-billing is banned in canada [even though there are pushes at the edge of that rule all over the place as the right-wing tries to get rid of medicare])

this clinic also has programs surrounding FASD and some other stuff as well.

i will also be the privacy officer - that was the clincher on why they wanted me for the job. having an extensive background in privacy and data security, as well as full understanding of and capability to execute the development process for policy and subsequent procedure - as well as being a good writer - made them wet their pants

in this hyper-political province, i had only viewed my political involvement and experience as a negative. in this case it worked for me.

i will also be the security/alarm system guy and the building/site manager - well, actually, the liaison with the building managers/owners (rented facility)

i'm excited by the privacy stuff

across canada there are various chunks of privacy legislation phasing into effect now and over the next few years - organisations have been given substantial compliance periods in order to develop policy and practice to adhere to the laws and regulation - much of the work surrounds computer data

(i am thinking that if i do well in the job that it will be a swell meal ticket to higher priced jobs. having a person able to bridge law/policy and computers is not a usual find in the computer industry)

we have an agreement that i will be able to finish my schooling and can have time off during the day (flex hours) to attend classes if i cannot get one that is outside hours or distance education.

they were worried that they could not provide me with enough excitement in my work compared to my previous jobs (politics and my business). i had to assure them i was not lookingfor excitement, and that having less stress and therefore the opportunity to finish my education was my desire. i assured them that it would be at least 2 years until i finished my certificate through part-time study, and i would probably spend a year after that getting a few other certifications. so they were good for that time period at least.

on a private level - i like the fact that i will be the only computer guy. my own niche. my own office. my own deal - that no-one else will understand what i do - and will be a little afraid of the magic computer guy... no-one riding me or biting my ass - i get to get up and wander around - see how peoples' stuff is doing, and also retreat to my own private/personal server room and office sub-complex.

it works for me

i get off the dole from my parents

i pay my own way

i still finish my education

"Blow, wind. Come wrack. At
least we'll die with harness
on our back."
- MACBETH, Act 5, Scene 5

(harness = plate armour [ergo - die fighting])

a few hours later

after a substantial amount of uncontrollable weeping (i'm alone, thankfully) i have regained my equilibrium.

i'm really quite inconsolable about my son deciding to drop out of school

him finishing school was my reason to be - my mission in life until the end of June

now he won't be

he won't be graduating

he won't walk across the stage

he will have dropped out

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i was so angry with son that i was ready to kick him out

tell him to not come back

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i was ready to pack his bags and throw them off the balcony (4 floors) and let son and the buddy that lives in his car come get them

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i was going to phone and cut off his cell phone

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i am so angry that i had to abase myself to my parents to get the money from them to live while operating under the personal delusion that son would finish his school if i just helped as much as i could and was there for him every day morning and night

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i am so angry that i withdrew from my own classes to work with my kids through their shit and daughter is back at her mother's half time (well - not as of this weekend - it's now 9 me, 5 stbx, 7 me, 7 stbx [daughter can't cope with the stbx's shit again - more in a later post]), and now son is dropping out

i put my life and next career step on hold for what?

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when there was issues with possible suicide and such with daughter in january, i also spoke to son. i told him that even if he had to stay in bed for six months and never leave the apartment - that would be better than killing himself.

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i have told my children that i am on their side - always

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i was ok when son was going to not finish school this semester and finish his other classes next school year

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i called son on his cell phone

i told him that i expected him home by midnight

that i didn't want friends to be here at midnight

that if this is his first major decision as an adult he's going to get up at a reasonable time in the morning and he's going to go to the school and withdraw himself

that he's not going to just let it happen to him

he's not going to just sit until he gets kicked out

that he's going to face his decision head on and make it under his own terms and not wait for the system to just come along and boot him

he's going to handle it as an adult

that i was going out this evening and that he and his friends could come to the apartment after i'm gone (but be gone by midnight)

that he's not going to call it dropping out

he's going to call it withdrawal

that after he wraps up his withdrawal he will come up with a plan for what he's going to do next

drop out

my son just informed me that with roughly 6 weeks to go in the last semester of grade 12 he is dropping out of school

he refuses to do the work necessary that will bring his marks up to a passing grade

he says it is pointless and he will finish his classes and his grade 12 later and in some other manner

i asked him he had somewhere to go. because i wanted him to leave the apartment for the time being after he told me - because i might do or say something i would regret.

he stood there looking at me oddly - and i told him if he stayed i would hurt him - injure him - so he'd best leave before i did anything i regretted

he left

i wept