Love and Anniversaries

I'm ready to hurl. Whether into a toilet or off my building, I'm not sure (don't worry, I'm not really at risk from myself).

'Tis arriving the season for our anniversary. I've discussed how much I was dreading how I was going to deal with it. How to be sincere without being artificial. How to express love and commitment, without lying or glossing over problems, but leaving them behind or aside long enough to at least reflect on our lives together. To spend a little more time thinking about the good, than the bad.

I was clueless, and still am, about how to deal with it.

Yesterday Mrs_C began a conversation asking me about what days I would have off around Easter. I could tell the edge in her voice instantly. I could actually sense the problem when I walked in the door - her posture, facial expression, how much she turned when she faced me (or rather didn't face me), not looking me in the eye, tone of her greeting, quickness/brusqueness of motion.

As you can expect, the conversation spiraled downward quickly.

You see, while I can easily sense her tension, I rarely have a clue what it's about.

I tried to answer the questions about days off. She moved quickly from my factual response to "Well, I just figured it would be good to know because you never tell me about your schedule". For the record I discuss the minutiae of my schedule on an almost daily basis. I had reviewed my days off only 3 days previously. She went on "Because if I had known you had time off I could have gotten the same days off as you, and maybe we could have spent some time together." I just found out what my assigned days off would be on Monday - the same day I discussed it with Mrs_C.

You see, because of the specific period we are in at my workplace, our scheduling depends entirely on the schedule of those we provide service to. When we find out their schedule, we find out ours. Sometimes that doesn't happen except on a short timeline basis. We found out we had the opportunity for a couple of days off in there where we could use banked time and so forth.

I was going to work the days and bank more time for summer. My boss decided I needed to sleep, knew Mrs_C was working, and told me I was taking that day off to sleep. I couldn't exactly explain that to Mrs_C...

But, back to regularly scheduled programming.

It turns out that Mrs_C was upset because I hadn't arranged anything special (so far), or suggested we take any time off around our anniversary. She is working a later shift on our anniversary so we had some discussion of shifting the date we "celebrated".

It turned into a terrible rant on how I never do anything special, show my affection, or take time for her. Apparently I have time for everyone else, but not her.

After some period things got settled down. I had a meeting at 7pm of an organization I belong to (I'm the President and was Chairing the meeting), and was late. The meeting ran late (because I was late) and it cut into my exercise last night, so I had a short exercise session.

(I believe it was deliberate sabotage. I have confronted Mrs_C about her screwing stuff like that up for me in the past and she has admitted to it. Just like in arguments she will ask a question, I will take a moment to think about my answer, and just as I'm about to open my mouth to speak she'll throw a little bomb out to rattle me - She did it all through the conversation last night. I confronted her about it on the spot last night and she admitted it and said sorry...)

When I got home she called me to the bedroom and gave me a written sheet. It was meant for me, but I am reproducing it here. It provides context and is not that personal.

"Reasons I love you. One for each year we have been married

1. You're my greatest joy in life. Knowing you love me is my second joy.
2. You love your children so much.
3. You're intelligent, witty, fun to be with and talk to
4. You have insight about life and things that I find interesting (never boring)
5. You're a great lover, you fill me with passion of all kinds'
6. You are attractive with beautiful eyes, tall dark & handsome
7. You have a sense of fairness and justice
8. You're gentle and kind almost always (with some exceptions)
9. I'm lucky to be with you and proud to wake by you
10. There is nobody like you (you're special)
11. You are a dreamer
12. Your courage
13. You're not afraid to speak in public & talk with "important" people
14. You're a good cook
15. You care about the world and others
16. You need me too (I hope)"

There was an additional short note (that I will keep private) that asked me to celebrate our years together and grow old with her - "the best is yet to be".

We talked awhile longer and she told me that she really needed me to make her feel special. I asked her to not rant at me - that if she were to quit attacking me, that I wouldn't pull back from her - and that it was hard to be loving a mooshy if I felt under fire. That if she were angry, emotional, or upset she could maybe write it down and the we could discuss that one issue (or more) and avoid pulling everything into every fight. She said OK. We agreed to work together, and agreed it would take time and effort on both sides to move to where we wanted to be.

We were settled down by the time we went to sleep.

This morning the alarm went off - I kicked the boy out of bed to go shower, hit snooze and plopped back into bed and to fall asleep. Mrs_C spooned me and put her arm around me. I groggily took her hand, held it, and put it to my heart. In a matter of seconds she angrily pulled her hand back and got out of bed and stormed out of the room.

She started ripping into me within minutes after. Hadn't I heard a thing she'd said? Wasn't I prepared to do anything. Even some small gesture? Anything?

20 minutes of my tight timeline for morning wasted. Anytime I tried to say anything - literally open my mouth - she would try to push past me and leave, and I would have to ask her to stay to listen.

Finally I just said I had to go, and that she didn't respect my job and that she had made me late.

She drove the boy to school and as she arrived home I was leaving.

I hugged her, kissed her, and told her I loved her.

She said "Thank-you for that" as I left.