A lot.
Thank-you for your affirmation.
(this references the last post and its comments)
----
I want to quote a paragraph from September of last year:
I cried
"I'm not capturing it well, but I think you get the idea. You have some idea of the kind of person I am, and you understand the pain this point of entry would cause. I tried so hard. I loved that woman with everything I had. And in my mind, now she's saying one more time that it just isn't good enough. That on top of all the other times I just didn't make the mark, now the amount of love that I had/have isn't enough either. That if I just loved her a little more it would work. In my mind she's pointing out one more deficiency and one more shortcoming - just like the last 18 years of never quite making the mark."
----
You see, I re-read my post I Rock The Party and I heard the stbx's voice in my head "You only do all this stuff for show. To make other people think you are such a good guy, but as soon as there is nobody watching, you turn into a lump. Something else."
----
The fact is, I did put extra flourishes on when her family was around, or other people were around. Her family often treated her like shit - so I would put on extra show so that she could wear it like a badge of honour - Look what [cadbury] did for me. So that she could be the princess, instead of the stepsister...
But I tried very hard to do things and say things when it was just us as well.
As I look back on our relationship, and as I understand her more - I realise that she probably didn't get the same kind of rush when I did something in private as when it was in public - so that made my private efforts less worthwhile - a BPD person gets their primary sense of self externally - so the higher the level of external positivity - the higher the internal feeling.
----
Pirate: Prompted by your comment, I just did a search on "characteristics of an addict" and this is a list from the first hit:
"To gain insight, consider carefully this commonly accepted list of personality traits found in the addicted person. These are characteristics that occur in normal people, but in the addict are exaggerated and uncontrolled. These things render addicts incapable of being at peace."
Low Frustration and Tolerance
Anxiety
Grandiosity
Perfectionism
Justification
Isolation
Sensitivity
Impulsiveness
Defiance
Dependence
The page referred to above has a detail on each characteristic.
You've mentioned the behaviours before - and each time it kind of throws me.
It all fits stbx-Mrs_C. It's kind of weird. My former boss - who's Dad was an alcoholic - said that it's a personality set that precedes alcoholism - and that alcoholics are just self-medicating their pain. My stbx had a (and now has a larger) problem with alcohol, but didn't drink much because I took steps to make sure alcohol wasn't readily available. So I don't normally think of her as an alcoholic.
Smitten did the 12 step program for family of alchoholics (al-anon) while as part of her search to deal with her issues with her Mom.
Your reference to co-dependent spousal behaviour - i think i need to do some more reading there. I have done a bunch of reading on PTSD and spousal abuse survivor stuff - but I think I need to look at some of the spousal behaviours you reference. I need to understand myself as myself - not just as a reactant to the stbx.
7 comments:
You'll get through the end stages of your ex...when it's time.
In the meantime, I hope someone gives me a pink-wrapped box of joy like the one you gave Smitten for her birthday! Well done!
" My stbx had a (and now has a larger) problem with alcohol, but didn't drink much because I took steps to make sure alcohol wasn't readily available. So I don't normally think of her as an alcoholic."
First off--I didn't call stbex an alcoholic. I try not to refer to anyone who hasn't (to my knowledge) identified themselves as such as an alcoholic.
However, if you went to a few al-anon meetings, you would soon hear from others about all the clever things they did to control their spouses/children's/parent's/siblings drinking.
And if you went to a few AA meetings, you would soon hear from them all the clever things they did to get around their spouses/children's/parents/siblings clever controls.
Drinkers drink. I'm guessing the amount she drank then was pretty close to the amount she's drinking now. Or not.
And yes, there is an addict mentality: "I want what I want when I want it" pretty much sums it up. But it's my contention that someone with that mindset will become addicted to something. Sometimes it's Booze. Sometimes illegal drugs. Sometimes prescription drugs. Or food.
And sometimes it's something more socially acceptible: Work, or exercise, or romance and sex.
And sometimes it's people pleasing. Which, to me, is codependency.
I don't know how many times I would wake up in the morning and check with my wife to find out what kind of day I was going to have. If she was in a good mood, I would have a good day. If she was in a foul mood, I would have a bad day.
And alcoholics are not known to be happy morning people, so guess what my mindset usually was. There were times when I would actually change my mood to fit hers.
I can't count the times I went out of my way, putting aside things that I wanted to do in order to do something to please her. Sometimes she'd notice, oftentimes she'd just take it for granted. But even if she noticed, she was never grateful enough, in my measure.
Here's something interesting: I like meatloaf, and she doesn't. So I didn't make meatloaf. She was out of the house for more than a year before it occurred to me that I could start making meatloaf again.
I don't know if you're codependent or not. Just like with alcoholics, I believe it's a label that needs self-application. Hell, I believe that about pretty much any label.
I'm just hoping you can move forward with your life in a healthy, serene way. And if anything I write here helps you (even if it's to eliminate a question in your head), I'll be happy.
See? There I go again, people pleasing.
yeharr
It's next to impossible not to be a co-dependent when you love some one who has a problem. The idea is to put "you" first. Control your life and they must control theirs.
You're a good guy, Cad. Everything will work out in the end. There are just times in our life when we have a lot of trouble beleiving that.
Pirate: I know you did not call the stbx an alcoholic. I was trying to get across that I don't normally look in information about people with addictions problems for information that might help me understand/cope/deal with my existence (past/present/future) with my stbx. I don't think of her as an addict or alcoholic.
She has a problem with alcohol. She did when I married her. Because I didn't keep alcohol in the house she didn't drink it. If there was alcohol she would drink it...
People in her life that have said she has/had an alcohol problem/issue (in exactly those words - to me or her - that I heard them say it personally): Me, her mother, her sisters (all 3), 4 of her cousins, 2 friends, 2 nieces, 1 nephew, and both of our kids.
Raging alcoholic, no - problem drinker, yes.
Boyfriend Bob has a problem with alcohol too. There was a time when stbx's sister [P] didn't want her husband [E] spending too much time with boyfriend Bob because they drank too much. [E] has a drinking problem. He is a binge drinker. When his daughter (my stbx-niece) was graduating grade 12 she had a party out at their acreage. [E] asked his daughter what she wanted for graduation. She said the only thing she wanted was for him not to drink during the party...
Anyway, stbx-Mrs_C is drinking a lot more now with boyfriend Bob in the picture. The kids complain about it a fair bit. They complain that's all she and boyfriend Bob seem to do is drink and smoke. The kids are harshly anti-smoking. They try to throw out at least one pack of her cigarettes every month - and they take the hit on their allowances - because the stbx does a charge-back as penalty for throwing out her cigarettes.
You did nice things when people were around because STBX would not have reacted the same way when others weren't around. You were hanging on to every shred of positive attention you could get (and well deserved).
I feel so out of the loop right now. I have to go back and read the past month. I don't know what is going on...*sniffles* I miss your writing and reading you.
CP.
Thank GOD you got away from her before she completely destroyed you.
Post a Comment