Friday, January 25, 2008

the grey skies outside

It's the tears that still surprise me the most. When they'll just surface. I have to control myself when i'm around other people, or at the office. I don't want someone to walk in and find me all red-eyed... especially if it's a member of the press that has popped by to talk to me for whatever reason (yes - that happens on a regular basis).

The tears.

They'll just come out. Music. Smells. Moments. A sudden memory.

I try not to hold them in too much.

It happens mostly in the van when i'm driving somewhere - often when i'm driving back to my apartment after exercise. The physical release of the exercise - music - that i've been thinking for about 2 hours straight. I try not to dwell on the past, but it's sort of a contemplative time. I focus on my exercise - on being in tune with my body.

The dopamine from having run for an hour and a half and pushing myself on the weights.

Tears

They'll just come out.

Like a few minutes ago.

I was searching for references to tears and crying in my previous posts. Mostly because I didn't want to use the same opening line as a previous post (sorry - the professional writer in me still surfaces even when it doesn't matter).

I read these words from last year's Valentine's post:

"And then the last item. A child's valentine with our names on it. My eyes began to tear. That was the first "valentine" I had ever received from a female. Certainly cards as an adult, but never one of those valentine cards."

I just made the arrangements for this year's valentine's evening. I asked Smitten if i could ask her out for Valentine's on our way to dance lessons last night (she said yes :-) yes to both - me asking her, and her going with me)

I've got us booked a little bistro in the trendy part of town. It's where we went for new year's last year (06/07). The one i wanted to take her to is closed for renovations and won't be open again until Feb 1 - so made this reservation. Made sure that I modified the menu so that it would match Smitten's tolerances. Things like switching desert from their amazing chocolate brownie (milk and wheat...) to a champagne sorbet - blah, blah, blah.

but back to tears and back to emotion.

i'm very much smitten with this woman. very much in love.

i re-read our online dating profiles (how we met) and our first messages again yesterday. i saved them. i still have our emails as well. I will be putting them together in a book for her someday. i was thinking i might do it for this Valentine's day.

I was struck by the consistency in what each of us wanted then and what we still want now.

i was going to cite a few examples, but the writing muse has left me for the moment - so i will post this and perhaps discuss consistency another day

3 comments:

SignGurl said...

What a sweet post, Cad! I'm so happy for both you and Smitten. You both deserve nothing short of being the happiest couple ever.

Emotions are so hard to control. It seems the harder we try, the more they rear their head. Don't sweat it.

terry said...

tears are good. they are. especially when you've had to spend so much time and energy tamping down your emotions.

let 'em flow.

Wien. said...

My ex used to tell me that emotions were a sign of weakness. He couldn't have been more wrong. I think it's the weak person who hides their feelings because they are not strong enough to take a chance to "feel" life.

Keep feeling and keep loving.
w.