the grey skies outside

It's the tears that still surprise me the most. When they'll just surface. I have to control myself when i'm around other people, or at the office. I don't want someone to walk in and find me all red-eyed... especially if it's a member of the press that has popped by to talk to me for whatever reason (yes - that happens on a regular basis).

The tears.

They'll just come out. Music. Smells. Moments. A sudden memory.

I try not to hold them in too much.

It happens mostly in the van when i'm driving somewhere - often when i'm driving back to my apartment after exercise. The physical release of the exercise - music - that i've been thinking for about 2 hours straight. I try not to dwell on the past, but it's sort of a contemplative time. I focus on my exercise - on being in tune with my body.

The dopamine from having run for an hour and a half and pushing myself on the weights.

Tears

They'll just come out.

Like a few minutes ago.

I was searching for references to tears and crying in my previous posts. Mostly because I didn't want to use the same opening line as a previous post (sorry - the professional writer in me still surfaces even when it doesn't matter).

I read these words from last year's Valentine's post:

"And then the last item. A child's valentine with our names on it. My eyes began to tear. That was the first "valentine" I had ever received from a female. Certainly cards as an adult, but never one of those valentine cards."

I just made the arrangements for this year's valentine's evening. I asked Smitten if i could ask her out for Valentine's on our way to dance lessons last night (she said yes :-) yes to both - me asking her, and her going with me)

I've got us booked a little bistro in the trendy part of town. It's where we went for new year's last year (06/07). The one i wanted to take her to is closed for renovations and won't be open again until Feb 1 - so made this reservation. Made sure that I modified the menu so that it would match Smitten's tolerances. Things like switching desert from their amazing chocolate brownie (milk and wheat...) to a champagne sorbet - blah, blah, blah.

but back to tears and back to emotion.

i'm very much smitten with this woman. very much in love.

i re-read our online dating profiles (how we met) and our first messages again yesterday. i saved them. i still have our emails as well. I will be putting them together in a book for her someday. i was thinking i might do it for this Valentine's day.

I was struck by the consistency in what each of us wanted then and what we still want now.

i was going to cite a few examples, but the writing muse has left me for the moment - so i will post this and perhaps discuss consistency another day