an almost letter to a friend

(started 4/2/09 10:43 PM)

dear friend,

i know you think that i am being too permissive and am not being a very good parent.

that's why you came over last Tuesday night.

you thought that me asking the kids what they thought should be done was the wrong approach - that i should be cracking down - getting hard - imposing some order

you don't have kids

you also don't do much with the bureaucracy you work within. you are special. and they let you get away with shit because you are special. your mindset is tenacious and thorough. and very black and white.

you bag bad guys. and you hand them off. and your job is done.

and you are very good at it.

you are a fixer. you don't realise it. you keep asking yourself (and me) why we are friends when you are right-wing and law and order, and i'm left-wing and mushy.

you may not remember, but we first became close friends when things broke down with my roommate and you let me sleep on your couch for 3 weeks - and use your truck when my car broke down. someone needed rescuing and you rescued them - or rather - rescued me.

(finished 4/5/09 3:40 PM)

i like you - liked you then, too. there was an almost immediate trust and loyalty. you liked my mind. i had things you wanted - a larger, non-worker-guy worldview. a worldview you wanted. language. knowledge. analysis.

and i was loyal. i was one of the few people whom you knew would never leave your back uncovered - no matter what the odds.

that's why when it was you and me and 16 railworkers in a brawl when we were bouncing that would have left us dead or hospitalised if the cops hadn't shown up - you knew you weren't alone like you had been every other time before. and why i'm always in your dreams and flashbacks of that incident.

when i was down and out and living in that attic hole in the revenue house - you gave me a job at the new bar you were security manager of - at the snazzy hotel

we did the same job we did the previous time - took the place from multiple brawls a night to weeks without any incidents - sometimes after we cleaned it up you would lose staff because the guys were itching for action and took jobs at bars they could have the occasional brawl at. we imposed order. together. you were the manager - but when the other guys questioned your approach i always backed you up - and they didn't want to challenge both of us at once.

you took your bodyguard and security training and came out top in your class. you can strip, clean and reassemble your guns very fast. you know your stuff. you work hard.

i tried to return the favour(s) that you did for me. 17 or so years ago i re-learned enough high-school algebra to help you get your general equivalency diploma. i tutored you through all your other subjects too. because you had half of grade 10, and all of grade 11 and 12 to learn. your hard work and determination did it over that year. i do not take credit. but you needed someone who believed in you - and that was only me. only me.

the STBX wasn't too thrilled with all the time that took - and led to her slow expulsion of you from my life - 'cause she's like that...

i role played for hours and hours and hours the interview panel you would have to face when you went for the job - guys with guns - guys with knives - you'd faced them all - but not a panel of five bureaucrats. that's my world.

and you got the enforcement job with the federal government - they didn't ask many of the questions i had role played (me not knowing the investigatory field your were wanting to work in), but we had been through the shittiness and the putting on the spot, so you were comfortable enough - and your knowledge of trapping and hunting from your time on the farm and in the bush gave you the ability to ask all the questions in the mock investigation - and to pass the interview with flying colours..

you were the top returning/performing investigations officer in your unit (specialised fraud investigations). you had made it out of the service industry into investigations - not the cop you wanted to be (because of your eyes and glasses) - but starting your way there. you were a sworn peace officer for our province and our country. you could compete in cop shooting events, and at cop competitions. you were half-way to your dream (and earning way better money).

but your world is still black and white.

identify problem.

remove problem

problem solved

except these are my kids

and my stbx

and they can't be removed - or controlled - or confined - or even taken to court or a hearing and punished or forced to clean up their act.

why would i allow drugs openly in my place?

because it would be bullshit to pretend i don't know they are there

because if i confiscated them or shit-fitted they would just hide them

why would i allow them to smoke them inside?

because it was -30 to -40 below outside - so they wouldn't ever smoke outside while it was that cold and windy. i had banished them to the outdoors while the weather was survivable - and have done so again.

they would always end up taking the three minute walk to the stbx's house and smoking inside the garage or the basement - and then they'd hang out there. and that is even worse for them than pot.

remember - son said he wanted to beat his mother to death with his fists - really - and meant it. said he hoped she'd die in a fire. daughter was fantasizing about stabbing her mother to death with a knife. both son and daughter were already involved in physical altercations with their mother.

their mother was losing it and had physically fought with both. son told me how he was afraid because sometimes when she was mad at him and was getting in that crazy way she would linger too long over the knife drawer in the kitchen. how his gut said he should be worried. how he slept with a knife under his pillow because he was somewhat spooked and needed it for a sense of security.

how no-one in authority can act on the crap i tell them - and want more proof than feelings and impressions and spooked - that they believe i am a good parent who is NOT just trying to stir things up.

that if my kids didn't stay here, and didn't go to their mother's to smoke their pot - that they would go to their friends' houses where they could smoke. houses in the hood. where they would be surrounded by run-aways, half street kids, and punks. where guys who belong to gangs show up. where there are drugs much harder than pot.

at least this way i can control who is allowed to be around and it will be the best of a loser crowd.

(I should point out that i have had my smoking restrictions on the apartment for all of 4 days now and my kids are spending way more time at their mother's. in only 4 days - even though the weather is better. because she will whore herself in whatever way she needs to get them back to her house - even though she talks the talk about not alowing them to partake around her - she lies. that they are already smoking in friends' cars - and driving while stoned [which is just fucking awesome from a safety standpoint - but at least the streets aren't solid ice like in the dead of winter])

my daughter was suicidal and her mother was threatening suicide as well.

i wanted her where i could watch her all the time

in January daughter did harm herself. you saw the picture - it's one of the things that shocks you. you know about teen-aged girls - your sister was/is anorexic-bulimic and spent her teen years in a group home.

at least if my children were where they needed to be i could feed them, watch them, intervene as necessary, and make sure they were exercising and sort of sleeping.

you kept saying that if social services found out i would be in trouble.

you even called a cop friend of yours to find out what they would do - they told you to tell me to call mobile crisis - which is what they do - that's cop procedure.

it was a great shock to you when we talked on the phone and i made you completely aware of who all knew of my kids' open drug use.

that i had already called mobile crisis, that i had already had my kids through social services intake, that they were under psychiatric, psychological counseling, and medical supervision - that they were in the presence of one of those three professionals every 10 days (or less)

who the fuck are you talking to, buddy?

remember - i am not just some permissive assed socialist - as you have described the bleeding hearts who annoy you

I have a fucking clue on this shit, here friend...

i was involved in writing the fucking procedures and making them public and running the public education campaigns on drug use when i was involved in government.

my high school drug use and my brother's use (FYI: not nearly as bad as my kids) prompted my mother (the ex-nurse) to start the first citywide drug education in the catholic school system back in the '80s - the principals didn't want it, but the Archbishop said "It will be done." even though mom is ukrainian orthodox - isn't even catholic. My mom would have been head of the province-wide drug education program/unit if we hadn't lost the election in '82... i know this stuff forward and backward - and stay on top of current literature.

you almost shit in your pants over the phone when i advised you that i had already been in discussion with my childrens' school principals, and with school board psychologists, and their teachers, and the dedicated full-time drug and addictions counselors at my son's schools (treatment programs brought in by our/my "permissive assed socialist" government - i might add - programs being copied all over north america)

and you almost shit when i told you that all of them - including the cop i had spoken to in the domestic violence unit after the STBX assaulted me in front of the kids - were aware that i was allowing drug use at my home. that they all agreed that my plan was the least worst scenario - and could not come up with a better plan than to try to ride it out and try to keep my children alive and safe until things ran their course.

to get them to sleep, feel safe, eat well, exercise, and go to school as often as possible and be in regular contact with medical and psychiatric/psychological professionals

that means that 7 full-time drug treatment and counseling professionals, plus doctors and teachers, and a cop could not come up with a better plan.

soon i will add al-anon, narcotics anonymous, and the health region's alcohol and drug team to my list of people who will know and be involved with this plan

yeah - i know that you have been avoiding me for a few days now. i hope that will pass. i value your friendship. i need your friendship.

but this is not a simple solution.

and for being a weak-assed permissive socialist - i seem to have some staying power, my friend.

after i go through the run-through - and people can't come up with any more solutions than i have already tried - everybody else seems to be suggesting that i just boot them - get all tough love on their asses

yeah - like i said before - that'll allow me to be all self-righteous - but will still add up to abandoning my children to their own ends. i'm not willing to do that. and personally i think it takes more strength to stay in the fight than to pull the tough-love bullshit.

if i'm not creative enough to just keep changing the scenario, to try to disrupt - at least around the edges - the situation - then i'm not much of a mind - or much of a parent

i'm not abandoning my children

that's the weak-assed permissive socialist i am

never give up

always got the other person's back

always looking out

no matter what the odds

that's why when the revolution comes

and the tanks are coming

i'll be on top of the barricade - throwing molotov cocktails - even though it's useless

because i don't give up

not until someone, or something (or I am) is dead

----

other than some kind of "crack-down" by an authority figure - whom you could not offer a suggestion as to whom might be effective - you were at more of a loss than me

but we'll all make through

maybe

----

i am a good parent

----

i am so sick of people (like my parents) saying:

"Isn't there something you can do?"

well, then fucking well tell me what to do!!!

should i beat the shit out them? will that work?

should i scream and jump up and down?

lock them in a treatment centre? (already checked - can't - they are full of the people who really need it - or are way past where my kids are. and the U.S. ones cost more than we can collectively afford - and why would i send my kids to the U.S. - would it help? i doubt it)

if there was an easy solution i would have implemented it. if there was a hard solution i would have implemented it.

----

as for me

i will keep on slogging and prepare myself for my childrens' potential death or slow decline

i and i will keep on fighting for them

every day