settlement pending (maybe...)

(Readers: if you spot a real name or location or company name please let me know immediately so i can remove it)

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SUPER LONG POST WARNING

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mediation is theoretically complete - that is the "Agreement provisions" noted below

i am down about $4,000 - $7,000 from the last agreement arrived at in June. why? because i agreed to assume several more little pieces of debt and shit because i just want it all done.

and the bitch actually had the nerve to try to shake my hand at the end of that session - after jerking me around since June. And then gypping me out of several thousand more dollars after torturing me for the whole summer with her: now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, no we're not, now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, now i'm refusing to answer phone calls from your lawyer, my lawyer, the mediators... runaround.

why can't we just go to court? because there is a legal requirement (written right into the law) for mediation in the event of agreement impasse in separation. the government pays for the mediation and provides departmental mediators for free - but the courts generally require mediation and "good faith" negotiation before accepting any petition on a settlement.

she pushes every boundary

she only went back to mediation because I, my lawyers, her lawyers, AND the mediators threatened her if she didn't

i want away from her so bad

i cannot stand the chaos she brings to everything

she ups the volume at every turn because that is all she knows how to do

even the mediators don't want to deal with her anymore. her lawyers don't want to deal with her. this is her third set of lawyers. they even had to move her from the more junior lawyer who was handling her in her law firm to the most senior because she is so psychotic and unstable.

and my lawyers...

they all (mine, hers, the mediators) pressured me to just accept the lower price because their estimation is that with her crap it will end up costing me way more even if i'm already taking a low-ball right now

also, the possibility exists that when they get some additional staff at her work that her workplace might put pressure on her about her bullshit there

i want an agreement signed that will prevent her from suing for support and i want it signed fast before she has a breakdown (a real potential in my estimation - and i know her better than anyone else in the world)

(and before i have a breakdown)

she is demanding there be provisions in the agreement that i can't touch her pesnion - i am using that as cover to remove all future support rights and such from the final legal agreement - we have to explicitly waive all those rights under local law. our divorce laws are the stuff of fantasy for liberal activists in the U.S. - all equitable and decent and fair and protecting and negotiation promoting and conciliation demanding. good stuff when one of the parties is not psycho... i support the laws. i helped write the policy that created them. being the good socialist i am, i thought (and still do) that it is the most solid protection for spouses and children.

but not for me. with a psycho ex. and a system designed to protect women who most often get the wrong end of the stick. which i believe in.

it just hasn't helped me

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i am using narcotics like candy - well, that's an exaggeration - but being the abstemious user of alcohol and drugs i usually am, my current usage pattern bothers me a lot (pot [most nights before sleep] and codeine). i'm on on muscle relaxants and another variety of pain blocker. i could get a prescription and be fully legal for the marijuana since it's a standard treatment option for fibromyalgia in Canada. i am still considering that option, but i don't have the will or the emotional/psychological capability to deal with the complicated legal requirements when i can get good quality local organic shit with a single phone call. and i don't intend to stay on it beyond the point when my pain dies down. hopefully once the agreement is done and the divorce is done - i didn't need anything (prescription or otherwise) for the first 8 months after leaving the cow

(all apologies to my bovine friends - it is insulting to them to compare her to cows. i like cows. i like dogs. i like pigs and other animals too [not so much cats, but i still play with them and enjoy them]. but i digress...)

pot nowadays is way stronger than when i actually smoked much in the past...

i take about 4 drags from my pipe - a pinch immediately before sleep. that way my usage pattern is about altering sleep and not about the fun of being high [later edit]a gram, or 1/28th of an ounce lasts me a couple of weeks or more even when i am using it each night[/edit]

i am under doctor supervision on all of this (though unofficial on the pot because of the legal issues), under counseling supervision, under psychiatric supervision (even my kids' psychiatrists are working to help me survive because they believe i am the only hope for my kids - and because they need a sane parent to deal with [the stbx is afraid to go near a psychiatrist and makes a lot of excuses to stay away from them]).

it aggravates me that i can't seem to be able to force a psychiatric review of the stbx

my lawyers and the counselors and the psychiatrists tell me that because she gives "good interview" that she would pretty much ace an independent assessment. and that they can't testify because of the fact that they are in conflict or already providing care or some shit - and that it has to be done by an "independent third party with no interest"

and that her psychosis only shows up after you've dealt with her for some months...

that i could force it, and subpoena them and such, but that they would be bound to fight the orders because of their legal position on patient privacy and confidentiality otherwise... and the kids' psychiatrists are government (department of health/health region) staff with the legal resources of government to help fight any order i might try to get. and the medical association, and the counselors association and the psychiatrists association would have to get intervenor status against me too...

because institutionally they have to protect their general position from super assholes who would interfere for not good reasons

they are all very sorry. and so are their lawyers. whom they say they have spoken too. and i believe them. because we had to support a couple of these kinds of cases when we were still in government (16 years). because the larger institutional protection is more important in the long run...

so,

i'm not going to win

so i will suck it up and try to get the best deal i can

as i said to one of the mediators (paraphrased because i don't have exact wording with me right now):

"this is classic stbx - agree to something, when finally forced, then make the whole process so passive aggressive and aggravating and so torturous and painful that she gets her way in the end"

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From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 10:00:51AM -0600, [lawyer's assistant] wrote:
> From: [lawyer's assistant]
> Subject: Personal & Confidential
>
> The following is being sent on behalf of [lawyer]:
>
>
> [cadbury],
> Further to instructions received, we note that the Agreement provisions we received did not deal with custody of the children, child support, or spousal support. We have prepared a draft Agreement, including those items, for your review. Once you have had an opportunity to review this, we look forward to discussing whether we can proceed to forward this to [stbx lawyer] for his review.

Children:

5c: some language that:

we agree that we may make holiday arrangements months or even years in advance, especially in regard to travel.

some other language that says that each of us will not unreasonably withhold permission for children to travel outside of [province] - especially outside of Canada

(i intend to take the kids to Europe next year, and my parents go to Texas in the winter and we might want to go there)

Personal Property:

[stbx] has tried to edit/cull which photos i get access to already. is this language strong enough? She may claim that a picture that just has her and the kids in it is not a family photo... please rethink with a mind toward her actively trying to screw me over on getting copies of ALL the photos

Family Home:

this section is wrong

[stbx]is buying me out for the sum of $nnn,nnn

I am taking my name off the title

she will pay for the transfer of title and all the costs associated with closing out the existing primary mortgage

she will deal with any tax issues

there are only two things that will come out of the $nnn,nnn - NO OTHER ADJUSTMENTS!!! (one exception - an adjustment up for her paying half the cost of creating this agreement) I want to pay for absolutely nothing else. She is already getting a way better deal than she should

the two things that will be paid - and i would like them paid by [law firm] and proof of the payment and such being sent to her lawyers and all appropriate parties

1) the line of credit will be paid out and canceled - both names are on it so she/we will need to sign some kind of document that authorises you folks to pay it out and close it.

2) the payment of $2400 to my parents

under 19

do we need to list any of the debts? eg [cadbury] VISA, MC [stbx] VISA

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New provision:

[stbx] agrees to pay half the cost of creating this agreement

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Divorce:

can we sign any appropriate papers with regard to getting divorced at the same time? would doing it all at once expedite the process?

if we could wrap everything up at the same time that would be super swell



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From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential


two other things that need to be addressed in the agreement:

1) currently we have an agreement that i use [son] as the equivalent to spouse (or whatever it's called now) and [stbx] uses [daughter].

[son] turns 18 on Nov 5, so that is the end of that deduction

i need advice as to what the best way to handle the remaining deduction.

do we each claim half (if that's possible) or does one of us claim her wholly and pay the other parent half the net deduction?

i assume you folks have the accounting/tax/whatever expertise in shop to answer that question

if you have to go outside for the advice - by all means (billable...)

the solution on this one should be equitable for both [stbx] and I

2) [son] is a minor for 2 more months. i want additional language in the agreement that the settlement covers the value of support payments for Sept, Oct, Nov of this year for [son]. he has been living full time with his mom since about June.

i also want to know whether I am obligated for support payments after he turns 18.

he is supposed to be working. he dropped out of high school and has been sitting on his ass since May smoking pot in his mom's basement because i told him to leave my place (he refused to even wash his own dishes or the dishes of his friends [and there were a lot of them...] or even pick up after himself [even when given several days to get around to it]). he refused to apply for jobs, then got one through a friend (and got fired for not showing up and being late all the time).

he will theoretically be finishing his grade 12 through web classes and theoretically working at least part-time.

i don't want to pay shit for him.

not that i wouldn't be glad to at a moments notice. i offered to buy him a car if he would just motivate himself enough to get his license. i offered to pay for private lessons since he managed to not have enough motivation to sign up for the driver training offered through his school. none of which has come to pass... he won't even ask him mom (who works at [licensing bureau/government owned insurance company]) to bring home a driver training manual from work (how much less effort could there be than that?)

i have withdrawn my offer to buy a car ($3000 contribution offer - from age 14 to May of this year)

i offered to pay tutors (he's french immersion) and/or tutor him myself to get him through the end of his grade 12. he refused/demurred. i offered to pay half the tuition for his university/[tech institute] computer multimedia course ($14,000.00 total tuition). i said i would pay all of it and then push/file suit on his mom for the other half if she resisted paying. and pay for books. but he needed to finish his grade 12.

i said i would pay for any post-secondary course he wanted to take in [our city], and would let him live with me and pay his food and such. but he had to do his own dishes... and finish his grade 12

i said i would pay for any tutors or help he needed

have i mentioned that he is a certified and tested genius?

as for action by him on any of the above... nada

i offered to take as many days off work as needed to drive him to everywhere he might want to apply for work.

i offered to drive him to school every morning (and used to).

i paid (and still pay) for bus tickets so he can theoretically have transport to look for work

i offered to buy and/or repair a bicycle

i have offered to back and support with time and money and intercession any efforts he might make toward school or work and/or counseling and/or medical treatment. all have been rejected

after leaving the caucus office June 2008, i went back to university. i dropped out of my classes twice (fall and winter semesters) because of the emotional problems my kids were having so that i could spend time with them ([son]'s breakdown and [daughter]'s cutting/depression/suicide watch). i stayed home full-time to help them - help him - [daughter] pulled herself up - but [son] - pot and attitude only

my parents keep offering him work at their place so he would have even a bit of work and dignity of income/work

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i don't want to support [son]

i love him so deeply, but....

i will not support him until he makes even a token effort to help himself. i have done EVERYTHING possible - even my counselors have told me that i am doing too much to help him - but even that is not enough

i don't want to pay child support for [son]

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i don't know if it is relevant, but i currently pay for [son] and [daughter]'s cell phones (about $50.00/mo each), and I also pay for their gym club memberships (contracts) that they have stopped using (about $55/mo each)