Saturday, March 25, 2006

Truth Time

This is a very hard post to write. Well, not as hard to write, but to post.

Last Saturday I struck Mrs_C.

Open palm on the shoulder.

About as hard as one might whack a stuck window or gate to get it to open.

About as hard a whumping dough that has risen.

Not that hard, but I still did it.

I have been at the edge of nausea over the incident for most of the week.

I apologised. I apologised again, and a third time. I apologised again yesterday.

Mrs_C said yesterday that she didn't consider it hitting her, but rahter a shove. She said it din't hurt her or even shake her physically.

I said that was a distinction I was not comfortable with.

The bottom line is still that I struck her.

I am in anguish over this incident for a number of reasons:

- I struck my wife. Something I had committed to myself to never do. Ever. Under no circumstance but protecting a child.
- My mother (in her 70s) was beaten when she was a child. I told myself I would never be one of those people.
- My sister's husband hit her on a number of occasions. I would have cleaned his clock, but she said no. I told myself I would never be like him.
- I have worked with women's shelters, women's centres, and anti-violence against women groups for 25 years.
- I have read the books, spoken with survivors, helped shelter women fleeing abuse. I have organised anti violence against women events over the last couple of decades.
- As Students' Union President at university and as a student activist I spent years protecting the abovew organizations from all the neandrathals who tried to shut them down.
- As Students' Union President at university, and while on the Board of Governors I forced a review of campus lighting, parking lot security, and changes to campus policy with regard to harrassment.
- I was asked by local women's groups to speak on a couple of occasions at anti-violence against women rallies and events. One of very few men to be invited to do so in the last 15 years.
- I was part of the team that got a policy of mandatory charges in domestic violence situations instituted on a province wide basis where I live.

My action violates a very deeply held belief.

How did it happen?

Mrs_C had been riding me for some days last week. Read other posts below. I am about as wound up as a clock.

On Saturday she told me she was leaving the city and the children and myself to go work in another province. She said that even the kids were criticising her and her actions.

She was crying. She was saying she was a worthless human being who didn't deserve to be around us and such.

I tried my best to console her, talk her out of that move, and to work through what she was feeling.

She wasn't having any of it.

Anything I would say she responded either in angry despondency, or with a really vicious attack on me.

My daughter was in the house. She was up in her room with the door closed and we were in the kitchen.

No matter what I would say Mrs_C would turn it around six ways to Sunday.

She can tie me up in knots on most occasions.

I still don't have a handle on what it is she does in her argumentative technique that messes me up so badly. I am a skilled and trained debater. Medal and award winning. So good that I got voted the silver shovel award years in a row by my fellow debators.

Mrs_C can mess me up in seconds. Well, minutes. She somehow manages to drag me away from what we're actually discussing into some other plane of reality. If we actually debate an issue, I win - every time. If we get into one of these "discussions", I'm lost.

You see, I'm trying really hard to be "emotionally responsive" and think about all the emotion stuff that I don't do so well at...

Anyway, i had put forward a convincing argument that she should stay, and that her perception of a couple of things was a little exaggerated. I was really quite upset and unbalanced by this point. I had taken all the hits to that point. I had conceded all the ground she asked for. I had offered and committed to make the changes to my actions and had written down the things she wanted me to do differently. I said she needed to look at her own behaviour in one context she had raised - that she was responsible for how the kids were reacting to her, and that if she weren't such a bag to them, they might treat her with more respect when she gets unreasonable. And she said "I don't have to listen to this", and stormed by.

I don't leave when Mrs_C wants to talk. I take it. For hours. For days. On some occasions when I have suggested a cool down, she has ripped into me good. I have cancelled meetings, business, and other activities because Mrs_C wants to talk. No matter how unreasonable I think the demand is, or the time requested, I give it.

And she decides she's just going to storm out because I said something she didn't like and couldn't shoot down witha quick retort.

So as she passed me I snarled "You fucking bitch!", and when she stopped and turned toward me, I struck her shoulder.

The odd thing was, she didn't seem surprised.

** Understand, I have never laid a hand on this woman in anger before. Even when she was physically assaulting me - with closed fists - I just warded off her blows (on 3 occasions in our marriage she has hit me with closed fists). Once when she stood in front of our doorway to stop me from leaving (for a meeting to get a contract worth about $20,000 while I was running my business - I was desperate for the cash) I used my arm to push her out of the way - but not as an actual impact push/hit. **

She moved away from me into our dining room. I began to sob and said to her "No matter what I say or do I can't ever get it right. I can't ever meet your standards or what you want ever. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hit you. I'm so sorry! What is it that you want from me? What is it that I'm supposed to do that will ever make you happy with me."

She stepped toward me, put her arms around me and said "I'm sorry I said all those things that made you so angry that you did that."

I was still crying.

I was horrified that my wife would say words that I had read in so many case files of abuse. Where the woman apologises for making her abuser abuse her. I wanted to throw up.

After some time I calmed down. She was very calm throughout this episode.

A piece of my brain said she had deliberately provoked me into this action - that I had been manipulated.

Another piece of my brain said that was exactly what abusers think.

I was about to lose my mind.

We went out to her sister's place a little later on. Played cards. Went home - slept.

Things went downhill again until Thursday. I apologised a couple more times in that period.

I gave it 24 hours of peace and then yesterday I raised how I was feeling with Mrs_C. That I was sick with regret. I explained how this violated decades of thought and action - much of which she has been witness to.

First she said that I hadn't struck her. She argued that I had just pushed her. I said it was a distinction I would not be party to. That I would not rationalise it.

She said that while she disagreed, she would not argue what was a point of principle for me.

Mrs_C said that nothing could revoke what had happened, and that I just needed to make sure I never did it again.

She then said that she would not push my buttons like that again. She told me she had been deliberately poking hot spots and doing things that she knew would set me off and "make you mental". She said she was doing it to see just how much I really felt in our relationship, and how much emotion I had for our relationship. She said she thought I was just going through the motions in my efforts to rebuild our marriage and she wanted to test whether I would say OK when she said she was leaving.

And then she said she just got emotionally carried away with all the other stuff. That she allowed herself to get worked up.

And the result hadn't been exactly what she expected...

I politely suggested other experiments might be safer.

----

I'm calm now.

Today was a good day.

I took CP's advice and complimented Mrs_C on her appearance today - and she really did look good, so my comment wasn't phony.

I bought her chocolates. She was out with her sister for coffee while I went to work out, and on the way back I bought chocolates - partly thinking that her sister would come in after like she usually does and that it would give Mrs_C face in front of her sister to get chocolates (big box of a variety of truffles).

----

I apologise to the women who read this post. I apologise to all of you, because my action has a larger impact. It makes you just a little more insecure that even a "safe" man still has the potential to do something like this.

I'm sorry.

I don't do this sort of thing, and I'm unhappy to report it.

Why? Why did I post this and not just leave it unsaid?

One person posted a comment asking if I were giving the whole story about my relatioship. Could Mrs_C be that way, and could I be so saintly?

Well, I'm not. And this is one bit of evidence.

I said in response to the questioner that I was trying to be as accurate as I could - recognising my own bias.

I apologise again. For my action, and for what is now my hypocrisy in comments I have made about the violence that has been perpetrated against you.

8 comments:

Jade said...

Such a difficult one...I can't stop thinking about all the different aspects of this situation and its doing my head in. One thing that feels good about this though, is your thought processes around it. You don't strike me as someone who is blindly going through life anyway, and this experience is no exception. Also just because perpetrators of repeated violence have similar feelings of remorse and justification as you have, it doesnt mean you're the same as them or that it'll ever happen again...just keep thinking about it and keep your awareness alive. We all have this potential to be violent and it's important to feel bad if it happens, but only enough so as to keep it at bay next time...not so much so that it creates other issues for you. P.S. You haven't made me feel unsafe, if it's any consolation, and I've never been hit.

terry said...

what jade said? ditto.

and i applaud you for owning up to it.

once, at the absolute final breaking point of my marriage, i tried to hit my now-ex husband, which shocked me. i never thought i was capable of such violence against someone i loved so dearly. it's not my proudest moment.

but i also know that i had been pushed to the brink (by all sorts of cheating and deception, etc) and my actions were not part of a pattern.

it seems like you've flogged yourself enough and are aware enough that you'll never do something like that again.

Zephyr said...

She was definitely trying to push all of your buttons. That she was eventually capable of it says what.... that you're human? And that's a bad thing?

I think you've kicked yourself enough. I've slapped my kid once... something that I despise. A swat on the butt is ok but a slap? No way... yet I did it.

And know what? They knew that it tore me up. They knew that I meant it when I said it wouldn't happen again. They knew that I meant it when I said I was wrong and apologized.

You've been together HOW long? If she doesn't know by now that you're not an abuser, she's an idiot. She KNOWS she pushed your buttons. And I believe she did it intentionally. I'm not sure of her reasons.

The one ongoing theme that comes through this entire saga is that she is incredibly manipulative. And she has mastered the ability to manipulate you.

Sure you shouldn't strike her just because she pushed your buttons. But you also shouldn't kick yourself for it. As in any other things that you consider mistakes, you simply take a deep breath, own up to it, and then move past it.

Mouthy Girl said...

Cadbury....?

What Lara said and more.

You already know what I think about this situation from my email. I don't think of you in any different manner than I have before...unless you want to know that I have even more respect for you now.

You're an honest, forthright man. There are too few of you around.

And those few are often snagged, antagonized, and manipulated by those who are supposed to love and care for them the greatest.

CP said...

Cadbury - You know where I stand on this one. I don't agree with Lara. The term "abuser" is ridiculous. You can't say "if she doesn't know by now that you are not an abuser", because as you know, Cad, abusive behavior can start at ANY time in a relationship. I am by no means telling you to beat yourself over this, but you need to get your ass and her ass into counseling asap. If she is able to press your buttons to the point of violence...there is an issue. If she is not concerned about your reaction, that concerns me as well. Sometimes, women...we do things to illicit undesirable responses just to see if the other person still cares. It's a dangerous game to play with one another. Someone invariably gets hurt.

You've read my story. And, if I say "what you did pales in comparison", then I am invalidating your feelings. You know you were wrong. I don't have to beat a dead horse. But, she also has to understand that provoking violence to compensate for a lack of love is not the way to get your attention either.

I wholeheartedly believe that is what she is doing. There was a point in time, C., where I was actually upset when Tony stopped hitting me. Can you imagine? To me it was the equivalent of no longer being made love to. When he hit me, it was obvious he still cared enough to bother to do so...is this making sense?

It's a sickness, C. It's a real disease...and you have to stop this game between the two of you before someone loses control.

CP.

ohc said...

Cad, be kind to yourself! You are a kind loving man. I can tell by the emotion and passion evident in what you write. I think you are being 'toyed with'. I agree with BG, Lara, and everyone else. Please know you are wonderful. I admire your strength and sincerity. Breathe deep.

t_cole said...

you know what i think.
not going to repeat myself
but i will say this.
it it time...
time to mend it -
or end it.

cp is right - this is/can be a very dangerous game. you don't want to play it.

and if you don't stop, take a breath and start taking care of cadbury - there won't be anything left when you get to the other side. wherever that is. whomever it is with. self-preservation is not selfish. is it necessary. it is survival.

mend it
or
end it
this is your wake up call...

Big Pissy said...

I have to agree with what t cole said.....

this isn't good for either of you....