I go with my son because he just does his thing while I do mine and we just walk in and out together with a little goofing in between. Otherwise it is like being solo.
Going anywhere with Mrs_C is usually a high maintenance event. When I'm exercising I want to be only in touch with myself and my own body - focus.
As we were getting ready to leave, I said something I shouldn't have. I said, "You know, you can be a competitive person at times, so don't feel that you have to keep up with what I'm doing - I have been at this for awhile and you haven't."
Oops. My Bad. Really. Shouldn't have said it.
This launched a speech on how I unfairly characterise Mrs_C. She then says she's not going with me. I apologised and said we should just go anyway and she should please forget that I said what I did.
No go. 2 hours later (no exercise session...) things had calmed down. I had explained why I said what I did, and why competitive was probably the wrong word.
(you see, Mrs_C, as I talked about in previous posts, has a tendency to match any work anyone else is doing [and do a little more] just to prove that she can match anyone. Not really competitive, but close.])
We actually ended up going for coffee and talking through some of the issues we rub each other the wrong way about.
Mrs_C has been reading a self-help website and suggested I was doing the following (from that site):
"Uproar
The set up: a touchy or explosive topic is brought up prior to going out for a nice evening or doing something important.
The ulterior motive: to avoid having a good time and becoming more intimate with the partner (because you are mad at him/her and/or are afraid of being in love and then getting rejected and/or are too insecure to leave an unhappy relationship).
The pay off: a good fight that reduces the closeness and intimacy in a relationship where intimacy makes us uneasy."
Psychological Self-Help
I don't think I was doing that. I could have been, but i don't think so.
I explained to her that my motives (as I am aware of them) were more directly selfish than that. The logic train:
I like exercising. I want to continue exercising. Mrs_C has a tendency to try to match people and more. If she came exercising and got a sore muscle or didn't enjoy herslef, then she would denigrate my activity (insert various examples of this behaviour from the past here [she did not dispute my examples]). It will make it more difficult for me to continue, and reduce my enjoyment of the activity. If Mrs_C does not overdo her first day she would be less likely to hate it, and I would be more likely to be able to continue doing what I want to do.
Mrs_C had some problems wrapping her head around my assertion that it was not a game, but was the selfish logic train above.
But she said she would accept that explanation.
The two hours spent talking were not wasted time, this time. Less efficient from a problem solving standpoint than I prefer, but being as it was a discussion of many mushy emotional issues without a huge amount of common terrain/language, I can/could easily accept that things were bogged down here or there. Mrs_C found the site listed above - finally found a some language that appealed to her - and had showed it to me when I got home (before supper and plans to go exercise).
She told me that she found herself recognising a whole series of games she plays.
She says she is going to try to be more self-aware of what she does.
She asked me to be patient as she tries to stop playing games.
3 comments:
This is a great thing. One step at a time, C. Baby steps. One day at a time. Undoing years of dysfunction takes a lot more effort than you realize.
CP.
It's so great that you two were able to have an actual constructive discussion!
Progress!
Good luck!
seems like a really positive step, since you were able to get at some of the issues that have dogged you two, and that she still sounds open - at least right now - to examining her own role in what's wrong.
and i think cp said it best, about undoing years of dysfunction.
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