Where Do I Begin?

This post starts on Saturday. I could feel something starting to brew. I just know when the "mood" is starting to rise.

I decided that since it was inevitable, I would play a game (yes, a game). A game with myself to see whether I could spot any specific cause before she could blow on it and fix the issue - pulling the rug on the excuse to blow.

The signs of her getting toward needing to kick me one (figuratively) are there in posture, turn of head, tone of voice, the way she holds her head, the length of her answers or the stories she tells me. It all gives sign. I can smell it a ways off, but can never quite figure out if there is a root cause, or if it just happens to be whatever issue is handy and then she rationalises her outburst and uses the issue I didn't see coming as an additional cudgel.

Well, I sopped every spill and soothed every frayed nerve all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. I could actually see her irritation building with these issues disappearing from under her.

Little did I know I would play myself. But, I'm getting ahead of the story.

Monday night. I return from exercise. I know there's a problem. I'm doing dishes and such trying to figure out what has caused things to bubble up. I ask her a couple of times what is on her mind. She says "Nothing! Should there be?" It's an old routine - I get to beg until she tells me... After a fairly short time she tells me that she's going to bed and she doesn't care what I'm doing. So I ask her to please sit down and talk. She does.

After some initial quizzing and soothing on my part, she asks me "When have you ever asked about my fantasies? We talk about yours and we do yours, but what about mine?"

I'm like, huh?

She continues "I can tell you all about yours, but when have you ever asked about mine?" I try a few times to identify the various times I have asked about her fantasies, but get cut off.

Well, it goes like this for awhile, I try to say something to respond to her comments and she cuts me off. She tells me that everything in our marriage is for me, and I get everything I want, and the only recourse is to end our marriage or just shut up.

I say "And when has either of those things happened?" (bad choice of words, fighting words, but I had been taking it for about an hour by this point).

Well all hell breaks loose and a litany of everything I have done wrong since we met gets expurgated in about 20 minutes. I say something to the effect of "I am sorry if I have not met your fantasies and desires. I am aware of some, but not all of your fantasies. [I list some] Is there any in particular I should note or learn?"

Some discussion later and I find out she took a relationship quiz on the internet and it came up with and answer of "You could use a little love from your partner too". It made her sad/mad and she began to think about each of my failings.

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I did something I never have before. I looked in her computer's web history file for any obvious quizzes. I feel bad, but damnit - if I have to answer for it explicitly I should at least know what the hell I'm answering for. I had no desire to look over all the sites, but saw one URL that looked likely in the list. It turned out to be it. I did the quiz from her point of view and boy, do I suck!

I present it here for your interest.

http://quiz.ivillage.com/redbook/tests/showlove.htm

More on how Monday evening ended in my next post... (much worse)