went with son on saturday to buy him some new clothes and some new shoes. spent Cdn $81.00 (USD$70) on shoes for son. NO - not addidas or some such shit. Rockports... the boy wanted Rockports (casual shoe). Said he liked the style, colour, and the way they felt. Normally i only spent up to about $60 on shoes because he'll outgrow them, but shoes are the only thing he's pain in the ass about. He wants what he wants, and digs in on anything else. Not on price (he's go with a lower prced shoe), not on brand (he doesn't give a shit) - just what he wants. So a $20 or $30 premium to avoid the hassle - and give him a good pair of shoes - that he wears every day. I'm ok with it.
bought him some new clothes (man, he's huge! not fat - but big and broad shouldered). bought me some new clothes too - big sale at one of the department stores - scratch and save sale.
Smitten was working an informational booth for her organization on Saturday night and wanted company - so i went with her. Son decided to hang with Smitten's son (12) (who has a Wii) and eat pizza.
came back and son was lying around reading his book, Smitten's son was doing his own thing - they were just hanging out. Smitten and I wanted to visit, and son wanted to sit with us. He just wanted to hang out and yak a bit and be around us. he seemed to be just so happy to just be.
it made me think of a comment he had made earlier in the day while we were shopping. he said "You know, I kind of mad that my Mom is nuts." I glanced over at him with an admonishing raised eyebrow - he said "No - I'm serious. I really serious. It bugs me. My other friends, I go to their place, and their Mom's are pretty normal - as Mom's will ever be - but Mom - she's just all bent out of shape and always going off in some weird way - and it's kind of frustrating - I feel kind of gypped - I just want a normal life and a normal Mom."
i feel badly for the boy.
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daughter was saying on friday night that if her mother tries to go for full custody she'll fight it as hard as she can.
that was switch.
i think "Mom exposure therapy" is working.
daughter is getting really unhappy with her mom stalling on the room re-doing and is getting seriously irritated with having to sleep in her mom's room (same bed). she says that it was ok at first but her mom always wants to hug her and cuddle up with her and daughter says it's starting to "get creepy" and "greeble her out" because it's like her "mom wants a cuddle replacement" for me.
daughter says "it's not like I married her"
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daughter said that her grandmother was "nuts too"
this was the same night and flowing from the same cluster of conversation surrounding uncle molester.
i didn't ask for clarification on the nuts grandma statement. from son i know that grandma has been pushing stbx-Mrs_C and telling her what to do a lot recently. daughter is around for a lot more than son.
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daughter is mad that auntie and grandma are saying she's getting fat. daughter thinks they're unhealthy. daughter is not fat - and i say that in an objective and not "fatherly" way. the girl isn't fat. she's really solid (muscular) and well built - to my eye she is perfectly proportioned.
daughter and son think their mother is unhealthy - stbx-Mrs_C has given up a huge amount of eating - she just skips eating most of the time - and her cigarette consumption is up.
stbx-Mrs_C is really a bit of a bag of bones at this point. she is the lightest she has ever been in her adult life (since age 17). she is now only about 125 lbs. too light for her size.
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daughter didn't want to go home, but couldn't bring herself to go back on the not staying at the apartment thing.
while we were at supper i told daughter my parents would be home soon and that if daughter wanted some "refuge" she could go/stay/sleep over there. that i understood that it would be hard for her to come back to the apartment given the context. that if she didn't like it over there i was ok with that. that i knew that she might want to stand on principal in not staying over at my place, and that she might feel some pressure or retaliation from her mom (and aunt and grandma) if she were to stay at my place. but that my parents' place might be some shelter.
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stbx-Mrs_C phoned on Sunday to apologise for her blow-out on friday. she talked about wanting good relations, and that her outburst was from having seen the lawyer. she said that she had built herself up with false hope when the lawyer talked about sometimes, out of the blue, people decide to reconcile.
i laid out a bunch of my recent thinking. i told her i wanted her in counselling and that i thought she needed it - and that i had thought she needed it since we were dating (18.5 years ago). i laid out some of the things i thought she needed to address with a counsellor, and the carry-overs from her childhood that i thought were still fucking her up.
she rebutted fairly intensely. i stuck to my guns. i cited some of her statements about how her mom beating her and her uncle molesting her had affected her and that while i agreed that her mom had done the best she could in many ways, her mom had failed her in a lot more ways, that all of it still left scars that were unhealed.
i was extremely even-toned throughout - but it still ended on a bit of a bad note.
stbx-Mrs_c called back shortly after. i let it ring through to me voice mail. i listened to her message and she was actually phoning to apologise and said that it was hard to hear that she was erratic and needed help.
she then called me again and repeated much of the same thing directly to me.
it's the first time she's ever admitted she might need outside professional help.
it's a positive sign.
i worry though (as correctly pointed out by Sicilian) that it is part of a maneuver to maintain contact and more "discussion". to just keep hanging on as she feels things slipping away even further. that if this is the only point of connection, that she will do whatever it takes to keep some contact and emotionally based connection.
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all will be as all will be.
i just need to make sure i don't get sucked back into the swirl.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
4 comments:
Mr. C. . . I think daughter is seeing the light. I bet the kid changes her mind when it all pans out.
Son is so together. . . . I feel bad that he can't have a normal mom too. Someday somebody. . . . will gain his love and trust and fill the gap that mom has left. He will not even remember that he missed a normal mom.
Ciao
Cad, you might want to take this opportunity to teach your children an little compassion toward their mother. She had a horrible childhood, you say, and that alone should be pointed out to them and how that carries over to her adult issues.
It saddens me that you allow your kids to talk like that about their Mom and her family. It is only emphasizing the stigma of "craziness".
My own children have a very ill father. I am sure that they feel cheated also at some times, HOWEVER, they would never ever say that to him OR to me..as that is just disrespectful. Instead of encouraging it...try to get them to see that maybe a lot of what happens with their Mom is not her fault. Mental illness is often times genetic, you know. I pray that your children never have to deal with it... teaching them compassion and keeping them as stressfree as possible WILL help them though.
The whole issue with the "molester" uncle makes me shiver. It probably won't do any good for me to say that he needs to be turned in...and just not for your children's sake, but for the sake of every other child around him. Yet, you are holding that "card" to use as a playing card in getting custody. That in itself is disgusting and amazing irresponsible on your part.
Reading Sicilian's comment above.. nearly brought tears to my eyes. "Someday somebody. . . . will gain his love and trust and fill the gap that mom has left. He will not even remember that he missed a normal mom."
That is so sad, Cad and I really, really hope that you don't feel that way. She IS their mother and NOTHING or NO ONE can replace her.
Be the bigger person here and let your kids see you treat her with dignity and respect..and they will too. She deserves it if not for anything else but the fact that she is their mother and your exwife.
I know she has done things wrong too.. I am not denying that because no one is perfect. BUT you can change this and turn it around by being the bigger man and doing what is right.
Ok.. I have rambled enough here..
Sandi:
do you actually read what i post? or do you just read until i say something that offends you and then respond without further background?
did you read the last post where i discussed stbx-Mrs_C's counselling and me paying for part of it?
did you read two posts ago where i said "there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt that goes back a lot of years. there's a lot of healing that has to happen. the effects of the abuse - both beatings and the sexual abuse have never been properly dealt with"
does that count as "that alone should be pointed out to them and how that carries over to her adult issues" enough for you?
do you think that telling my kids "not to talk like that" is going to take away the fact that they feel like they do? should i be forcing the role of silent and enduring martyr on them, so that they too can learn to be beaten and abused for years and decades in the future? do you thank that would be good for the kids? hey kids - just suck up all the shit that ever gets thrown at you - it's the "decent" thing to do... the compassionate thing to do...
have you read the points where i talk about my son still loving his mother and wanting to go back to live with her each week even though it is quite painful for him? about how he believes that his mother will throw him out of her house or discard him when she realises that he will not abandon me to come live with her full-time?
what their mother does is her choice. she makes the choice to go to counselling or not. she made the choice for almost 20 years not to go. she makes the choice to get all freaked out at them instead of doing what her counsellor told her to do and go take a walk when she gets "feverish".
and how is uncle molester going to be turned in? if none of the women who were actually molested are prepared to launch a complaint, what am i going to do?
and did you read what that "card" is going to be used for? to make sure my daughter isn't left alone with him or in her grandma's house? did you read that? do you think that making sure that my daughter is not left in the sole custody of a family with a history of abuse is a good reason to use whatever leverage i can find?
and whom do you think my children should be able to vent to? hmmmm? who is it that will understand what they are saying? the shorthand for how they feel? why can't they say it to me. they didn't say it to you - they said it to me in a private conversation that i am publicly journalling. why should they be forced to bottle all their feelings up? i think that would be bloody unhealthy for them. where is the compassion for the children that have to endure this situation?
i think you ought to think about who deserves compassion. the adult who has had a whole lifetime to try to correct their behaviours? or the poor kids caught in the middle with a bunch of crap they never asked for.
you are so wrong, Sandi. you are so completely wrong in your approach to this situation, i couldn't disagree with you more.
your path of admonishment and guilt is a surefire way to make my children as fucked up as this situation.
THis it totally off subject, BUT... the shoe size is due to weight loss.
Happened to me both times after giving birth and shedding the extra baby weight.
Caddy- apparently you had chubby feet ;)
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