the [uncle molester] situation

[originally part of a comment answer to Terry and Sicilian on the last post]

no - daughter did not go to [uncle molestor's] house

grandma has allowed daughter to go over a couple of times over recent years when [auntie pacific-rim mail-order second wife] was there and [little sort-of cousin (first cousin once removed)] and uncle molestor was at work or not there

daughter is not allowed to be alone with uncle molestor ever - or at least that's my order - and stbx-Mrs_C has said that she told her mother that daughter was not to go over

and i think daughter will abide by such and is/will be wary of being sucked in to an alone situation

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uncle molestor is grandma's much youngest brother - some 10 years older than stbx-Mrs_C and some 12 (or so) years younger than grandma

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i have tried to enforce the full ban over the years but have had limited success with my banjo-picking, or rather, balalaika picking in-laws

to enforce the ban would require that they put the elephant on the table and admit the reason for the ban

and they don't want to air the dirty linen, now do they?

the last time i forced the dirty linen out - grandma disappeared for several days and there was more shit and kaboodle than you can imagine - and i was asked to back off by the sisters (including stbx-Mrs_C)

now i have less compunction, but i am saving it in my arsenal to defend my position with regard to custody

i am making a condition of our separation and divorce agreement that daughter never be at uncle molestor's house, and that daughter never be left alone at grandma's house (across the street from uncle molestor)

stbx-Mrs_C will either sign off on those conditions or i will take her and her family into court

that's also my leverage if things get nasty

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sorry if that seems to be calculating, but this is a difficult situation to play out and i need to keep my nukes undeployed

daughter is as safe as she needs to be. no current purpose would be served by the confrontation on this subject. i can take care of that bit of mess in due time.

even if everything is settled as it needs to be without true ugliness, i'm not letting the uncle molestor situation go this time.

i am considering applying to the courst for court ordered counselling for stbx-Mrs_C with her childhood abuse and sexual abuse as the major component of the request

having her sign the agreement to not have daughter at uncle molestor's is one of the pieces to that goal

i still want stbx-Mrs_C to be healed and whole - she needs the help. she is hopelessly fucked up. i'm contemplating arranging my finances to pay for part of the sessions - it would only cost me about $400-$600 per year. stbx-Mrs_C will be pretty strapped for cash and her insurance will only pay about $600 per year - if she is in counselling every 3 weeks or so (at $90 or so per session) that would split out 3 ways relatively easily.

i imagine some of you will ask me why i should give a shit anymore, or if she deserves my thought or emotion. or my money.

i still want her to be healed - that's my biggest reason. i want her shit worked out for the sake of my kids. that's my answer when i catch shit from either my parents or from Smitten. and don't bag on about Smitten - she doesn't know this thought of mine yet, and may think it's the best idea since sliced bread - i am just anticpating - and don't say i should keep that factoid from her either. i try to avoid secrets, and it's kind of a significant event for me to pay for part of my ex's therapy - not one to say "oh, it wasn't important." or "i didn't think it was your business"

if i do it, she can either suck it up or not - same as anyone else. i have a personal agenda in my life and it still includes the notion of a healed and whole stbx-Mrs_C. I just won't be the one trying to heal her on a day-to-day basis. and i won't be having her in my life as anything more than the pick-up and drop-off on the other side of parenting.

stbx-Mrs_C says she wanted me to take some lead in our relationship/marriage? she'd better be careful what she wishes for, because my ideas may be different than hers.