a lighted pathway of candles

When i finished teaching my class (10pm) the other night i went to Smitten's. I was going to spend the night. We spend most nights when we don't have the kids at each other's places.

I figured she'd be asleep (she goes to bed early [~9:30pm] - well, early for me). On weekends we will stay up later and sleep in.

When i arrived at her place the door was unlocked, so i wandered in (standing invite to do so when she is expecting me). The lights were out, sexy music was playing, and there was a trail of lit candles leading toward the bedroom.

I ditched my coat and began the quick psychic shift to where i knew i was going (the class had ended on kind of a minor shitty note - well to my personally demanding view of the universe [i hadn't gotten 100% excellent ratings on my class evals - 2 of them were only very good - to a person they came up and told me to my face how fabulous the class was and how easy it was to understand, and how i made it all so easy, but 2 had only rated Instructor's ability to explain material as very good]).

Anyway,

back to candles.

I followed the lighted path and when i arrived in the bedroom Smitten was waiting wearing the lingerie I had bought her at Christmas and had glasses of brandy poured.

She looked amazing. It was excellent brandy (new variety - we have been trying brandy and cognac varieties lately).

I was overwhelmed by the fact that she would do this for me. That she would care enough. Care that much. Want to do it. Want me. Be aroused by me. In her head, not just by the mechanics of sex. That it was simple desire. That she desired me. No game. No ulterior motive. No attack waiting to happen at the end of love making, no attack in the middle about me not having appreciated some element of her preparation or person.

I believe that I can say that Smitten adores me - she says things like that - but i think i can say that i pretty much actually believe it. Even if I can't believe it.

Sometimes i don't know what to do at the moments that the realisation actually hits me. That I know for a few instants - that I really know in my soul, without question - that she is in love with me, that she is attracted to me, that she finds me attractive, and she desires me.

I'm hoping that as time goes on I will lose my fear, that I will know how she feels each instant of each day.