my kids came back from their vacation time with their mother. i got to spend some time with them yesterday. went for brunch, got the boy a haircut, bought a few clothes they need, bought myself a few clothes.
a couple of things stand out at this point:
we were yakking about stuff, they were telling me about their trip and what they liked and what bugged them.
they were talking about how their mom and boyfriend bob interrelated during the trip. i just let them yak - both out of curiousity and to just them a chance to debrief. a couple of times i steered them away from some mom bashing they were doing (no really, i did). i reminded them that they did not need to bash their mom or bob to make me happy and that it was just fine by me if they liked bob or got along with him, and that i hoped that they would love their mother - and that everyone has their faults and their positives - "Even me" i said (humourous tone). i tell them that it i don't think i serves any purpose to have a bunch of back and forth between their mom and i.
they tell me that they were pleased to be out of the house because their Mom had gotten all "emo" and weepy the night before (after they had gotten back) and started looking at pictures in albums of the family when we were together and talking about how wonderful it was. i'm told she does this pretty regularly. she started the morning doing the same thing. she started talking about how i had destroyed our lives together and destroyed our family.
i told them that it is appropriate for a person to mourn and to be angry about that kind of personal loss. I told them that that how much each of us is to blame is irrelevant at this point. that even if i was totally to blame, that there is no going back now and we have to make the best lives for the future that we can.
we yak some more
while talking son says that he thinks his mom thinks he's going to grow up to be fat lazy and ugly. i'm going "Huh? explain this". son tells me that his mother told him "[Son], I want you to know - no mater if you get fat, or you don't have many friends or anything - or if other people say you're ugly or fat - I'll still love you. I'll always be there for you."
Son says that he doesn't think he's fat (he has a bit of a belly on him - not much - maybe 10-15 lbs [he's 15, approx 5ft 8in, and weighs about 190 - he's like me in build - ultra solid build - really huge legs - his shoulders are wider than mine])
i say "Well your Mom has her own standards for things. Standards others could never quite meet."
my daughter laughs and says "You know what's funny. Both you and Mom say exactly the same things about each other. Mom says: 'I could never live up to his high standards" and 'I could never do anything right'".
I responded "Those are my lines. Your Mom doesn't get to steal them. No, she doesn't get to steal them."
"Think back to when she started saying that, and you'll realise that I have been saying the same thing for several years. But that's what your Mom does. Any time I have ever accused her of something, or have actually given her shit about something, it came back to me shortly after."
----
Yep, now she's using my lines...
Goddamn
that bugs me.
at least she could get her own complaints - or stick to her own complaints.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
4 comments:
Cad- That sucks, sorry. Just catching up with you, thanks for stopping by...The friends I have who've gone through similar, not the same, just similar as you are going now, say it's just like you describe..the ups the downs, the honest to goodness Irritation some days...you're doing a good job, you're working on your issues, don't forget to pat yourself on the back once in a while and remind yourself that though the road still looks long, you've come such a long way...chin up man, and fyi, great dad too!
sis: thank-you for still visiting
thank-you for your ongoing support and encouragement
honi: yeah it was a terrible thing to say to the boy. like most things, she seems incapable of putting herself in the position of the other person before she says something.
i have had some concern about his weight gain myself.
my choices and actions: 1) healthy food in the fridge; 2) buying the elliptical and advising him that i wanted him to use it (we used to go exercise together all the time (3xweek) - the stbx sabotaged that); 3) get him a haircut and new clothes to feel better about himself - so he won't just teenaged boy slop around
i have concern about my daughter's weight gain. i have been supportive of her and defended her against the nastiness of her mother/grandmother. i am expecting that once she comes back for the week on/week off she will improve
it's funny how their mom will bag at them about weight but won't stock healthy food unless they complain at her
recently she has taken to buying only organic food as her response to their complaints, but it is still pre-prepared food that is higher in fat... organic does not equal healthy
GAWD! That woman just never quits, does she?!?!?
I'm so glad your kids have you to go to when they need a sane parent.
Mr. C. . . I guess I am wondering why any of this surprises you. You did a good job talking with your kids and I don't think I'm ever very nice when my kids yack about their dad.
Ciao
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