I have a bunch of unfinished posts from over the last month that I just haven't had the energy to finish. Or the emotional wherewithal.
Here are some summary descriptions...
Shoving Incident:
Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C and son got into a shoving situation the weekend after Smitten's dance performance the kids attended. She apparently started shoving my son while they were disagreeing about something. He says she stopped after a couple of shoves when he put up his fists and arms to ward her off.
She told him to put down his fists and he refused to do so until she said she wouldn't shove him anymore.
I don't have all the details, but it sounds like things got a little edgy...
Apparently daughter was going to call Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C's sister and go over there, but when daughter said to Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C that she was going to make such a call to get away from Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C and her "spaz" Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C toned it way down.
There have been no incidents to that level since.
I have discussed the matter on a "back-channel" basis with some folks. I am consulting my lawyer and some people I know who are involved with child protection. I am making my inquiries quite discreet and relying on personal connections to avoid "triggering the system". If this is a lapse or an extremely occasional thing, then it could be bad to have anything official happen. These kind of investigations would haunt her for a long time if there was official involvement.
I have no desire to trigger that.
Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C and fear of having people over:
it occurred to me as I read SignGurl's comment on my post Evening Out (Thursday, December 07, 2006) that i have new insight into Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C's spaz attacks before having people over.
SignGurl wrote:
"I really don't enjoy people coming to my house. For me it's more the anxiety beforehand about whether or not I have cleaned enough or whether the food will be good."
my response was that i understood her anxiety. i understood that her family was critical.
and then as i re-read SignGurl's comment, and my response, i realised that i didn't truly grasp the enormity of her anxiety about her family and their criticism.
i think about the fear that Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C strikes in me when she launches into a rant. and that fear has been imprinted as an adult.
then i think about some of the anger and hurt that i feel related to some childhood events (unrelated to Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C of course) and how that anger and hurt is different than adult anger.
and i just thought of the deep imprinting that having her mother (who beat Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C [among other things] as a child) criticising her must have left. i know how i go pretty quick to the edge even now when Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C pushes me - either on the phone or in person.
it's just some insight. i feel badly for her. but how she was victimised doesn't give her the right to stomp on me or grind me down.
Counselling:
Son put the lean on Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C. As you are aware she had put the brakes/veto on both of the counselling arrangements I had come up with for the kids. The kids and I had discussed the situation.
Son demanded she take some action herself if she was going to veto mine and wouldn't stop hounding her. She caved in the face of the demands from the kids. She got a referral to a good counsellor from her lawyer. I am fine with the counsellor.
Son is going, Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C is going to this counsellor, and I believe daughter will be as well. Things have been a little tense lately between Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C and I, so it has been a delicate set of relations.
I have made contact with the counsellor in order to have at least one session with him so that he can ask any questions of me, and get a feel for who i am when dealing with my child(ren).
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
11 comments:
BUt you are perfect, Cad! What more could a counsellor pick up from counselling you?? Nothing is EVER your fault...ever!! The "soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C." is the one in the wrong! Always. Everything is HER fault. Oh yeah, and that was big time sarcasm in case your supreme intellect didnt catch it!
I used to feel sorry for you because of everything you were going through. Now I just feel sorry for you because you are going to end up one lonely man. You are an arrogant and patronizing son of a bitch! You make a mountain out of EVERY molehill you come across. Poor poor Caddy! Wah wah wah.
Don't worry. This is the last I will comment on. It actually makes me physically sick to come here these days. People go through divorces and other shit every single day. You are the only person who I have ever come across with THIS much drama. Grow up, man....grow up! Deal with the crap life throws at you. Quit making others look bad so you can look good. (YOUR WIFE!!) It gets really old after awhile.
example molehill: the kids being shoved or having bruises or nail marks left on them by the mother... (especially given her family history [violence perpetrated by her mother])
"Family-related assaults most often involved a parent"
"Of the nearly 8,850 cases of family violence reported to a subset of 122 police departments, parents were the primary accused against children and youth (60%). Parents represented 70% of family members accused of physical assault and 40% of those accused of sexual assault against children and youth."
Family Violence in Canada: A Statistical Profile 2005
example molehill: daughter feeling threatened enough to think about calling her aunt
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As far as what the counsellor might learn from me. I don't know.
Perhaps the words of the counsellor will help (as spoken the the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs_C [as she related to me]): "You're remarkably sane given what you've been through in your life."
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as for perfection... i suggest you read through the archives of this blog to see plenty of imperfection and plenty of times where it has been well acknowledged
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"arrogant and patronizing son of a bitch!". Perhaps.
arrogant:
1 : exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner [an arrogant official]
2 : proceeding from or characterized by arrogance [an arrogant reply]
patronizing:
1 : to act as patron of : provide aid or support for
2 : to adopt an air of condescension toward : treat haughtily or coolly
3 : to be a frequent or regular customer or client of
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chelle:
i consider this blog to be part of my personal journalling. i consider journalling and this blog to be part of how i "Deal with the crap life throws at [me]".
in fact part of the reason this blog continues is because my counsellor thinks it's important to get experience in dealing with how i actually feel, as opposed to sublimating my emotions and having them come out in the form of physical ailments like my fibromyalgia.
on the "drama" question... i haven't dealt with the intimate details of many divorces, so i am not aware of how well i am stacking up against the bounty of information available to you.
i am told by my counsellor that i am doing well. my counsellor and lawyer say that there is very little drama in this situation compared to others they have dealt with. i am told by my lawyer that i am even handed - and a little too giving in my proposals.
as for this blog or my story getting old... well, it's my story. as told by me. about how i'm feeling. it is specifically aimed at exploring how I feel. so i imagine it does seem egocentric most days.
because it is.
because it's supposed to be.
Come on....you can give me all the stats you want. YOU are the one who sent then back to their mother's house after you were afraid of her hurting them...with what? Quarters sewn in their coats so they can run to the payphone at the nearby store if they need to? If there were a huge threat of their MOTHER hurting them, I honestly do no think you would even allow them back at her house. And I think you would have taken the APPROPRIATE actions. Mountain out of a molehill....becaues it makes YOU look good.
You know....I think it's OK to have some place like this to write about feelings and such. I think it's OK to be about "you", the person who is writing. But you honestly make your wife into such a vicious and evil person. I think that is horrid. YOu give one half of a story, understandably, but come on! I read your archives....I've been reading you for awhile now. I rememebr when you wanted to make things right with her. All of a sudden she is the wicked witch of the west and you have done NOTHING wrong. YOU are such a saint aren't you? Even committing adultry. Yes, for all intents and purposes YOU are still married. Good example to set for your children. I think that right there is when I lost any and all respect for you.
Now.....you wanna give me another comment where you beat around the bush...??
chelle: nice try... "huge threat"... indeed.
as you are already aware, her behaviour is erratic at the best of times.
i know that abuse is multi-generational. i know that her mother would lose it on stb-ex-Mrs_C to the point that she would use the buckle end of the belt - leaving really bad bruises
i know that on several occasions stb-ex-Mrs_C lost it and hit me. i know that she engaged in shoving and the wrist grabbing incident. i know that she has had explosive screaming moments at the kids recently.
and you are suggesting that i shouldn't be concerned or that i'm making shit up.
i have been advised that this is not enough to make any complaint stick, so the kids would be left where they are.
so i am preparing and watchful.
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as for "vicious and evil person"
when she's lucid she's fine
when she's not... well, she's not. when she's getting ugly she's really ugly to deal with
she is vicious in those instances
cad: nice try....but I never said you shouldnt be concerned. As for making shit up? well...how would I, or anyone else, know?
You ever yell at your kids? Oh of COURSE not!!
You definitely have a "me" complex!
I read the blog and thought, oh my, do I have to be the one to point out all the problems again? thankfully, chelle already has. maybe, just maybe, cad will listen to chelle rather than wasting time defending his actions.
I'm betting that if any of us met Mrs_C at a party, we would find her charming and a civil person. I'm wagering, we would excuse ourselves from a conversation with cad at that party. I could be wrong, but that's my read.
if half of what cad says is true about Mrs_C, he is reckless with his children's welfare. I would have my kids on a bus to a distant relative in a heartbeat. but cad sends them back and takes notes and pics. toss me in jail if it means my children are save.
any child raising his fists to his mother needs to be taken out to the woodshed. my goodness, do you not teach respect for their elders and parents. you claimed to be a Christian, so where is is the Honor Thy Mother lesson?
if a child raises fists, grabbing the wrist is a perfect means to let the child know who is in charge.
he should not have defended himself from the shoving. he should have run to the store with his quarters sewn in his pockets. is that not what you taught him? actually, the lesson you taught him is to disrespect his mother. you taught him that even if you did not mean for that to be the lesson.
cad, really read chelle's posts. stop defending yourself. read chelle's words. understand them. I mean really understand them. if you cannot, ask someone to explain chelle's posts to you. that will save you months of therapy.
I tried to leave a comment earlier, but blogger is being a pain today with the beta blogs :(
I'm relieved to hear that the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. C and your son are going for counseling.
Hopefully, it will help them both individually and with their relationship.
Ooop!
Sorry!
The above comment was from me.
~Pissy
Oh man, Cad. I try sooo hard not to comment. but I had to today. I agree with Chelle and anon.
I am telling you this. IF I thought that my children were in ANY kind of danger... shoving, marks,etc.. I would never ever let them go with their father.
Proof? I don't care. Immediately they would be taken to social services and they would tell someone what is going on.
You don't want to open that can of worms? IF it is all true, then you need to!
For your children's safety. and their trust in you...
Based on our two very painful divorces with children involved, Larry and I have often agreed that there is no way to convey the horror, the pain and the paranoia to others.
Only the very closest and most patient of friends will hear out your story and accept it as your truth. Only the most patient of friends will avoid trying to make you see other truths than your own, until you're ready. The closest of friends are those who do not feel called upon to advise, assess and recommend. They are the ones who listen.
"On the Art of Helping" by Soren Kierkegaard, 1852:
"For in truth to be able to help another person, I must understand more than him - but nevertheless first and foremost also understand what he understands. If I do not then my superior knowledge does not help him at all. If, nevertheless, I asset my superior knowledge, then it is because I am vain or proud, for basically instead of helping him I essentially want to be admired by him. But all true help begins with an act of humility; the helper must first humble himself under the one he wants to help, and therewith understand that to help is not to command but to serve (...)"
Wow! The comments are loaded today.
I could see how STBE Mrs. C could "lose" it. She only knows violence and as things got tough, she struck out. I know that I've had my moments. I'm glad she realized the wrong she has done. We are not all perfect.
I have to say that I can understand much of where Mrs. C comes from (given our similar pasts). I think I sometimes push my husband away because that's all I know. I've been trying to work on things because of reading your story. I saw too much of myself in Mrs. C.
I have enjoyed reading your story even if it has been tumultuous. I'll admit that it has become easier to read now that I know that you are feeling mentally healthy after parting ways with Mrs. C.
P.S. blogger won't let me post under my blogger identity. It's SignGurl.
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