made her cry...

Not like you might think.

Smitten was over on the weekend. Spent the weekend at my place. We spend most weekends when we don't have the kids together. We alternate whose place we stay at as it may fit needs.

Smitten has some minor but chronic and aggravating health issues. I have done a huge amount of research on her health issues and have provided her with my results. It is my belief that her issues are stress induced. It is interesting that the pattern of those health issues have altered dramatically since we started seeing each other.

She has a few "digestive" issues - what she can eat and can't. I have taken great pains with my cooking to fit her needs. Both in cooking and purchases.

The primary health issue is Raynaud's syndrome. "Raynaud's disease is a condition that causes some areas of your body — such as your fingers, toes, tip of your nose and your ears — to feel numb and cool in response to cold temperatures or stress. It's a disorder of the blood vessels that supply blood to your skin. During a Raynaud's attack, these arteries narrow, limiting blood circulation to affected areas." - Mayo Clinic

While her case is mild, she has to take care to warm her hands in water and to hug her kids through their clothes not on their skin (really cold hands).

There are a couple of interesting elements to all of this. There is a correlation to the time we spend together and how much sex we're having to the temperature of her body extremities. Smitten is literally hot for me [heh]! Her hands and nose (the most common "cold spots") stay warm for days after we've spent time together. Her bodily patterns have altered since we started dating.

I told her I was going to heal her - only half in humour...

Smitten also has back and neck issues. They will get thrown out by some fairly regular/normal movements. They got thrown out on Saturday, so we made a fast trip to her chiropractor.

That night I worked on her as well. Slow and gentle massage and acupressure - several hours. It reduced the discomfort. The places she usually hurt didn't hurt anymore.

On Sunday morning she hadn't slept well, and was a little sore. Sore in different places than usual. Having experienced the same thing when my massage therapist was releasing my body from the fibromyalgia spasms, I told her (based on my experience) that she had always hurt those places but they were overwhelmed by the more acute spots. Then I worked on her some more. Muscle by muscle, knotted spasm point by knotted spasm point - slowly releasing. I understand the pain - the constant background of ache. I understand the nature of releasing the pain.

I know massage having been an avid amateur for about 26 years (classes, books, and practice)(I started doing massage in high school. I was good enough that even the girls that otherwise wouldn't talk to me would come ask me for a massage [as a teenaged guy I was pretty happy with that outcome]. My hands are always warm and very strong, but I have an exceedingly gentle and patient touch.

At several points Smitten said I should stop because she felt too self-indulgent, just laying there having me work on her. I said I would stop if she really wanted me to. All she had to do was get up from the bed...

She kept commenting that she was amazed that such tiny movements and touches could have such powerful referral effects through her whole body. Pressing lightly on one spot on her hip and have it make her toes tingle and then turn hot as the muscles released and blood flow returned. Working the back of her knee and having her neck flush hot and be able to move more freely.

About 3 hours into that massage and muscle release session she asked me how I was doing (as you are aware I have been having some fibromyalgia episodes for the last few weeks). I said it didn't matter and that I was going to continue my work on her until she was OK.

She thought about that for a few minutes. She then said that no-one had ever paid that much attention to how she felt. Had never spent that much time worrying about her. Put that much continuous effort into her. To her comfort and her well-being (Smitten has been on her own since she was 16. Even in childhood she was always responsible for herself [not the greatest of homelives...]).

Smitten began to cry. She covered her face with a pillow and and said she didn't want me to see her crying. I left the room and gave her a minute or two. Then returned and held her until she stopped crying.

She talked about no-one (including her parents) looking out for her - being expected to stand on her own two feet from a very early age. About having to always take responsibility and do things on her own. On always being the one to make sure everyone else was taken care of. About how staying at my place allows her reprieve from a lifetime of duty and watchfulness. About having someone actually care about cooking and what she can and can't eat. About not being "on watch". Not having to be "responsible".

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I believe that there was both an emotional and a bodily reason for her to cry. The emotional response to the care and the tenderness, but I think more significantly the release from pain.

I understand the tears and the shakes that come when you've been released from the even a little of the racking torture of chronic muscle pain and spasms and headaches.

I hope to be able to repay some of the karmic debt I owe my massage therapist by helping Smitten.

I find fulfilment in helping others. In doing for others.

To be able to do things for her and to have her accept and appreciate - that is very powerful. I was moved.

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It's a new thing for me. When I would work on Mrs_C, there were many times she would fall asleep during the massage and then rip into me because I had let her sleep when she had things to do. Or that I hadn't finished cleaning the house. NO - really - I am not blowing smoke up your ass. I would get shit often after giving a multi-hour massage.

You can see where the weekend with Smitten and being able to help her was a qualitatively different event.

It bothers me that there is the level of spillover and comparison between the experience of my marriage and my current relationship.

But I am aware - and I am actively trying to lose the constant internal reference to my marriage. I believe that can only lead to bitterness. Or, I guess I should say, deeper bitterness.