do you think i'm too available?

Smitten asked me that question.

She said "Considering you can have me pretty much any time you want me, do you think I'm too available? Will it get boring for you - does there need to be the 'thrill of the hunt'?"

I thought she was referring to my intermittent sexual dysfunction. To me not hopping after her every second of the day.

I was overwhelmed by emotions i don't have any name for.

I told her it was one of my strongest desires to be desired. To have someone who was truly attracted to me.

I rather haltingly told her that if she was to pull herself away, or make herself less available to make me "hunt" more, that it would destroy me. I told her that I didn't want that to be viewed as a *you must sleep with me or it will cause irreparable psychological damage* - i told her that she was free to say no for any reason - even whim - but that if she were to withdraw artificially - for the purposes of making me chase her more - i'd be crushed.

I was lying on her bed. She came and straddled on top of me. She saw that she had gone somewhere bad for me. She told me that she was asking because she was unsure of whether it was "proper" or the best thing to do - that she had never been as sexually attracted to someone like she is with me - and thought about whether her actions were crossing any boundaries they shouldn't. That she wasn't even considering it from the perspective of my feelings, just about her behaviour - sort of a "good girl/bad girl" thing.

I was relieved to hear what she said.

I was pretty highly emotional by that point. her question had come out of the blue for me, and had bypassed all sorts of filters and had hit a fear pretty deep inside me. having my leash jerked like that again would kill me.

I began to cry. I tried to stop but she whispered in my ear to let it out - to not control it. To allow the tears to heal - to release. i cried deeply and for some time

i knew i was angry. i knew i was affronted. i knew that i was traumatised.

i hadn't quite seen the deep hurt before.

it was someplace else than the other things i've talked about

i'm still not quite over that incident even though it's been almost 2 weeks.