emasculation and pain

i'm in a lot of pain. full blown fibromyalgia. as bad as it has been since maybe nov 2005 - feb 2006.

muscle spasms, headache, neck, everywhere - all locked up - rigid.

i have little feeling in most of my body - it's just locked and rigid - almost no sensitivity to the touch

went for massage this morning - my therapist was quite concerned and agreed it was a couple of years since it was this bad.

she referred me to an osteopath for some of my issues. i have been discussing some of the physicality of my sexual dysfunction with my massage therapist. i am of the opinion that part of the issue is muscular - there is one set of muscles around my hips/pelvic joint that when she releases them i can feel results in my penis and pubic area - not an erection but the change in feeling - that is - i can actually feel it...

i was having problems moving my legs this morning - especially after she began to work on them - just the muscle release alone - not pain - just release - made tears come while i was on the table

my massage therapist uses a different set of techniques than the usual beating to death swedish massage - hers are gentle and relaxation based - she works the muscles at the point they connect to the bone - it is called the St. John method (I believe this is the dude's website).

i picked up some codeine and am pleasantly buzzed right now - well buzzed anyway...

i am trying to redefine - to shift my view of what is happening in my life. at this time i feel powerless.

i am essentially entirely at the mercy of stbx-Mrs_C. taking her to court is a minimum of a six month venture. it will take about 6 weeks to get all the paperwork, notices and filing done for a court ordered mediation session (required by law before proceeding to trial). it will take 3-4 months to get a court date after that.

all she has to do is stall - my finances are on hold, my plans are on hold, my future is one hold... she just has to do nothing - and i'm still fucked.

i feel as emasculated as i felt before i left. and one of the things that's really shitty is that because of how i feel about this, she's able to cut me off sex without even being my partner... i'm tense and things aren't working

almost all of the things i want to do take money. the settlement is the key to moving forward. some pressure will be off starting in September a $418/month payment (vehicle) is over (last payment August 1)

money - house - is key to getting my daughter back.

i hate her (stbx)

she has told son that she is stalling because she believes that housing prices will drop and then she won't have to pay out as much.

in the meantime i wait.

i have deadlines looming at work - critical work - critical deadlines - the final conflict is coming soon - we are not assured of victory

i have realised that since i am powerless to change stbx-Mrs_C's actions, i am powerless to affect the outcome or force it any faster than it will come - i have to proceed and accept that things will happen when they happen

i have to make sure that i am timely in what i do - that i don't slough my filings or deadlines

i have to take care of myself - i have to take my vitamins, do my exercise, eat properly, sleep enough, practice relaxation and meditation, and take time for personal peace

i have to make people whom i feel are putting undo pressure on me aware that i feel they are, and ask them to not do so. i have to be assertive enough to ask people to wait for the things they ask me for if i am unable to do it within the timeline they ask or i assume or volunteer. i have to try to say no when i feel overwhelmed, and if i have accepted too much i have to tell people i have overcommitted and that other arrangements will have to be made.

i have to stop over-anticipating the needs of others and creating anxiety for myself when i do not meet or fulfill the anticipated need i have defined in my own head

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if i don't get my house until next year - i don't get my house until next year

if daughter doesn't come back until then... daughter doesn't come back until then

Dad has things lined up for a mortgage - a house that would be perfect is coming on market soon... but if i don't get it, i don't get it. i can live where i am now. daughter has to make her own choices too - and even though i believe that she is making a mistake, maybe she has to learn that as well.

perhaps i need to put the lean on daughter. perhaps she needs to say no to her mother - maybe that is why this is happening - the reason - maybe i need to learn to do the things i outline in this post, and maybe daighter needs to stand up to her mother's bullying. perhaps daughter needs to say yes to me - swallow her wants and desires for the time being for my sake - maybe she can suck it up and come and spend at least one night a week/weekend with me even if she doesn't like the apartment.

maybe i need to get mad at her and tell her what selfish little shit she's being and that she can suck it up.

(cool - that last codeine i swallowed has really kicked in - i am feeling much better at this moment)

i need to make my situation work even with the elements i cannot control or force - otherwise i am back in the box i was before i left