the other beach trip

a short retrospective:

about a week after the first beach trip we went back. we went to the resort town, not the quiet beach.

we hit there around supper time and had supper at a fish and chips place. the fish and chips meal was, while completely unhealthy, a must do thing for Smitten - she had spent many summers in the resort town - her ex-husband's family has a cottage there. it was while spending much time alone/apart in that cottage that Smitten realised she did not wish to be married to her husband.

we sat in the sun and looked at boats in the marina. we took a long walk down the trails she would walk - she wanted to show me the places she would sit alone - that we would be together being in/occupying/filling her alone places.

after the walk i suggested we go for drinks/beer at this one beach place with a massive deck. we sat, we talked, we enjoyed the heat, the humidity, the air, the sound of the water and the beer.

it was dark by the time we were going to leave. there were only a few people around. though it is a resort place - there was a massive party/festival/outdoor concert near, as well as a home football game on that night. that meant all the yahoos weren't at the beach.

and as we were leaving i suggested we go for a walk on the beach. it was clear of people. the beach juts way out in the water in a big sand point. no lights.

[flashback]
when we arrived Smitten decided to change into some shorts. she did it in the parking lot with the door open so she had a wall on three sides (2 vehicles and the door) and me standing in the other space - there was no one around. she was bugging me about whether i was going to drop me pants to - jokingly suggesting we could have sex there in the parking loot

so i dropped my pants on the spot. she was shocked until she realised i had my swim trunks underneath.

she then teased me about being uptight and needing to lose that tendency
[/flashback]

forward in time:

we are walking on the beach and reach the point. she's breathing in the air and enjoying the sultry evening.

i say to her "So, i'm uptight am i?" and proceed to trip out of my clothes on the beach. she's a little taken aback but is a playful person. i splash a bit in the water and walk with her a short way.

i'm feeling a little awkward at this point and put my clothes back on on. She says that she wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

we head back to the vehicle and drive back to the city.

as we're driving a connection goes in my head. i say to her "You know, in reconsideration, I should have cavorted in the water and such for you. A bit of a display. I ended that pretty quickly because I was feeling awkward, but I shouldn't have - because it just occurred to me that that you actually like looking at me naked."

She said "Think about how you would have felt, or how you might have thought about it if it was me."

I said that it was a new thing to realise in my own head that someone found me physically attractive.

I was always of the view that i was OK enough looking, but that it was "patter" and "charm" that I had to keep a constant hustle going in order to get women to go out with me or sleep with me - the food and the dinners, the music and the events, the lines and the charm, the olympic sex - detailed study of female sexuality - that it was all a hustle because I didn't think any of these women were honestly attracted to me. That if I dropped the hustle for even a time they would realise that they didn't want to be around me...

It was a turning point in my view of myself and of my relationship with Smitten.