why this blog is self-absorbed (RANT/BLAST)

to the person who reads this blog who thinks i should be more balanced:

the blog is about me

it is the place i go to explore my personal feelings. my feelings about my life. it is not the place i go to be balanced about things, or about my stbx.

it is the place where i reflect on what goes on in my head and how i feel - however unhinged or self-centred that may be.

no, person, i do not think i am so great. while i try to be good, and try to be decent...

i am well acquainted with my shortcomings as a human being. also, any that i am/was not aware of intrinsically were pointed out to me in detail over a long period of time. this blog and discussing my feelings openly and frankly is part of how i am changing myself - to get past my shortcomings

and part of how i will decide if any of those shortcomings are just character traits that aren't going away and that i choose not to change and anyone who wants to be around me is just going to have to learn to live with or they can kiss my ass - they can leave

i am approaching my life rebuilding with a methodology that i believe is sound. with a methodology that has been reviewed by 3 professional counselors (2 psychologists, and 1 social worker), and 2 doctors - and that is being reviewed with one of those counselors on an ongoing basis and with my doctor as needed.

all 5 of these people think i'm a little aberrant with their usual practice because i actually developed a change plan. a written analysis and plan (part of which is based on some of my blog entries) - they all said they thought that the plan and analysis was sound - just they'd never seen anyone be that methodical before - and that it was little strange.

part of the plan involves constantly examining how i feel - to understand the tones/flavours and nuances of my emotional responses in order to work with how i really feel instead of being in a state of denial or repression.

i am well aware that it takes 2 to make or break a marriage, but i disagree that both partners are always equally responsible for what takes place in it. to cite an instance we all know in the blogging world - is the Certifiable Princess (CP) equally responsible for the beatings and shit she took in her relationship with Tony? is she equally responsible for the break-up of that relationship? scroll down on this linked archive page until you reach Tuesday, March 21, 2006 The saga begins: A Four Part Story.. re-read that multi-part post - person with the comments.

and, opinion person, read CP's comment again:

"I want you to go to MY four part story and read it. Read it twice. Read it until you understand that the abuse that your wife is perpetrating upon you is NO DIFFERENT than the beatings, the bloody beatings that were inflicted upon me. I nearly vomited reading part three of your story, because it was the same vicious cycle of violence that I have experienced with my ex..."

Kristin wrote:

"For quite a few years I have worked professionally with women suffering abuse. Reading your blog has been almost as seeing their stories repeated ... with one notable exception: You have switched around the parts."

Cadbury wrote:

"Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture."

as for whether i should be saying anything good about stbx-Mrs_C - i do - sometimes. and to suggest that i am somehow insinuating that she did nothing right through our marriage is wrong. she just made most days misery, and on many that she didn't make miserable i was still hurting from the last time she shredded me.

so most of the time i don't feel very well disposed toward her and don't think that i need to or have to portray her in a positive light. why? because i don't feel like it. i'm really mad at her, and i'm really hurt, and to be honest i don't give shit if you think i should be nicer to her here on my pseudonymous blog.

so, person with the opinion, if you are looking for balance, go somewhere else - maybe FOX news or something. i'm not making you come back and read this blog.

as for me, i am going to continue to explore my life and its recasting.

to quote someone i know in the blogging world:

"It's for my benefit, not anyone elses. If you don't like what you're reading, then perhaps you are in the wrong place! "