8:36am phone call

(looooong post warning)

i get a call at work yesterday morning

it's my son

he's crying

he's crying almost uncontrollably - deep and heavy sobs

he's telling me that no matter how hard he tries that he keeps ending up being late for school and that he's been late almost every day in the last three weeks and he's going to get kicked out of his class because they have a school rule that when you have 15 lates you are suspended from the class

he says that no matter what he does he just can't get there on time. he just can't get any assignments done. that he can't seem to do anything.

he's with his mother this week - so he's at the house

i told him i would come straight over

i went to the office manager and told her i was leaving for a family emergency. and that we were going to have to revisit start times because my son was going to be kicked out of school for lates. that they could fire me if they didn't like it, but that the 8am wasn't working. that we had to figure out something. that my kids had to come first. i said i didn't need anything final right now, but that we would talk about it when i got back. she agreed.

on the way home i called the school principal and told him i would calling him later to talk about son's attendance. lates, and classes. he was able to pull it up immediately on the computer and advised me that son only had 13 lates (really more, but the teacher must have been kind). i explained the situation and the state son was in. some of the causes and some of the stresses son is under at his mother's place. he already knew some of it from previous conversations i have had with him and others at the school. i told him that we would need to figure out how to deal with the situation. he said that he knew i would get son to school as soon as i could, and that they would help in any way possible. and that they would handle son with kid gloves because of the state he was in.

i arrived at the house at 8:49am. daughter was leaving for school (out the back gate into the schoolyard). she told me he had been just sitting on his bed crying for over an hour.

i went into the house and down to his room.

i felt like an intruder. the unwelcome screamed at me. my child was in the basement and he needed me.

i wondered what would happen if his mother came home. i wondered what her reaction would be... what her freak-out would be... what i would say. i felt fear.

i went down.

he was in his room. the room used to be my office. its about 9 ft by 12 ft. off in the corner of the unfinished part of the basement (4 level split). off the laundry/utility room and storage area.

i don't like what they've done. she painted the walls a burgundy red. she pulled up the carpet and there is just black painted concrete on the floor. his mattress and boxspring is sitting on the floor (small area rug under it) with no bedframe. he has his stereo (he bought it himself with money he earned telephone canvassing during the election - about $550 he was so proud [when he went to buy it he had just enough money for the unit - he forgot about taxes... he was so dejected. i paid the taxes]). he has a wooden open shelf and he recently put a piece of smooth top particle board on top of a cardboard box to make a coffee table sort of thing. there is one window. it is not a good room. i know. i spent a lot of time in it.

with no lights on, the grey cloudy morning sky, the red walls and painted black concrete floor (with its cracks), no baseboards or trim - it looks like the kind of place a drug addict would live (contrast this with the 2 times she's remodeled and refurnished daughter's room).

or someone down and out

i should know

i've been there

he was wrapped in his blanket sitting in the middle of the bed crying miserable choking quiet sobs. i took of my outdoor coat and sat down next to him on the bed back against the wall. i reached out and pulled him to me. i held his head on my shoulder and stroked his hair and face. his hair was sweaty hot/cold. he was fully dressed and ready to go to school.

after holding him for awhile and letting him cry and calm down i asked him what was up.

he told me that he had missed the bus a bunch of times and had arrived to school late. that he tried really hard but kept missing it. that he would then walk to school (1.3 miles [thanks google]). he hustles, but he got there about 5 minutes late each day.

that he keeps having these assignments mount up. we've discussed this before. it's a french math class and the teacher is one of those homework assignment a day people. that assignment a day - math - which he does not excel at - math in french... - including calculus and stuff - that assignment a day just killed son. he saw a new failure stack up every day. a new rock in the pack every day. the pile of undone and the weight of the accumulated drove him down.

he says he can't sleep.

that he can't do anything. he's so tired all the time. he's so tired he has no motivation to do anything. that he wants to do stuff SO BAD. but he just can't get it together. so he just lies down. but he can't sleep. and when he does sleep that he can't wake up. that he can't get moving. that he pushes himself with everything he's got in the morning because he knows he has to go, but just can't keep it together to get there in time. he wants to drop that first class. he tells me that he has no friends. that his friends don't call him back anymore. that he has no real interest in anything at school. that while his classes are OK there is nothing that excites him like his multi-media classes from other semesters - even his computer science is pure programming - learning formula calculation and such - visual basic (a language that sucks, to be sure).

he doesn't know what to do

he dies a little before my eyes each time he says

"i'm so tired"

i hold him. i stroke his hair.

i'm still afraid of what might happen if his mother showed up. sometimes she does if she's out to one of her company's offices that's in our area. she'll use the bathroom at home on the way.

i resolve myself to give her a blast from hell. to tell her to call the police if she has a problem.

i tell son that he has three options.

he can die

he can continue to spiral downward in the same path he's on

or he can change

i tell him that in his current state he probably has no idea of what change to effect to make the changes. that i don't want to tell him what to do, but that i will offer some ideas on things to do.

that i want him to come to my gym with me to work out because we need to fix his sleep and his physical state. that i'll pay his membership fees at the gym - that we can see if daughter can somehow get in too (minimum age at gym) so we can all go together.

that sleep is the most important. that he needs to consider staying with me for the next 3 weeks straight (normally would be me/her/me) so that he can have refuge and sleep - that always being ready to battle or defend or even avoid is exhausting. and that he needs to be able to just sleep (remember - she has woken him up to bag at him just like she did with me).

i will change his diet. fat and carbs contribute to depression and lack of motivation - that while he eats healthily at my place he will need to eat healthily at his mother's instead of the prepared foods. that if i have to i will provide him with meals he can prepare himself and eat. eat better.

that we'll get him to talk to a school counsellor - that i already called the school and have them begin the preparation of a new course plan that will still get him his multi-media and french baccalaureate (first 2 years of a 3 year tech school multi-media course done in high school [free] - 15K tuition each year in tech school). that we can see about dropping the class first thing in the morning.

that if he wants to go out with some friends i will fund it. that if he wants to make some new friends i will fund outings. that if he wants to take art or something (he says he wants to take ninjitsu) to look forward to - i will fund it.

i told him he needed to go to counselling and that no matter what his mom said he was going to go - that we would find one that would take him without both parents' signature. that we would shop around until we found one that fit him. that he wanted to see.

we talked for a bit, and i told him that he needed to get his shit together so he could go to school. and that we would solve things once we were there.

we went over. he got there in time for a 20 minute break they have in the morning at 10:30 - so it wasn't straight into a class. i stopped by the office and talked to the vice-principal who had been briefed by the principal. we arranged for son to see the school counsellor - who is both a teacher and a registered counsellor (Masters in Psychology). I authorised son dropping his class if it was determined that would be best. I asked that they discuss an academic plan for son - but gently - to help him get his other assignments in.

i told him son is depressed. explained more details of the situation. discussed the pressure cooker that is life with his mother - in addition to the stress of the separation/divorce. asked if he had ever been depressed (said no - but that his wife was social worker and he had a good idea of what it does to people). explained the personal health and exercise program i was undertaking with son.

that they build a plan for him to accomplish what he wants to do. you see, because there are limited amount of french immersion classes and some are only taught in some semesters, he needs to be careful with his scheduling. add to that the multi-media courses - again only offered in certain semesters - and you have a scheduling nightmare. to me at least. they assured me they would make it work - and work with son's limitations and issues - especially his issues around deadlines - he doesn't meet them well. does great work - knows his work - knows his curriculum - can explain it all verbally (i've been pushing for a modified curriculum for him for years - with verbal exams and such) - lousy with deadlines (sound familiar...?).

i left to return to the office.

and survived the day.

in the afternoon i called our workplace's family assistance unit and asked for referrals and if it would pay for the counselling. he said no - not without both signatures (this is the same guy i dealt with for my counselling). he said he would double check on son - because he is 16. he still gave me names of counsellors that might apply for both children.

i called them and asked for call backs.

i called son after school and told him that i wanted him to come to the gym with me that night. i set him up with a guest membership (1 week trial).

i went and signed up at a special clinic in town where you can get counselling for free (not a lot of people know about it) - but they only have one counsellor. but i thought that even if i couldn't afford the other counsellors - at least i'd have one option... my mom (actually both my mom and dad) have gone to see this counsellor - it's a co-op clinic that has some special designations and funding (set up/founded by my parents [and others] in the '60s during our big fight and doctor's strike over establishing full medicare)

as i left i called Smitten to make arrangements for the evening. as we were talking son called to confirm that we would go at 5:30 instead of 7.

i was telling her that i didn't think we would get together that evening because i was pretty wrapped up in family issues and that they would be on my mind and she had said she didn't want to have to grind through that. she said - no - she only meant the weekend as a hiatus.

we agreed to get together later for supper. then i got the brainstorm that i would write up a consent letter for each of the kids and tell them that it was their job to bully their mother into signing it. because they would win. she would fight me to the end, but not them.

and that's what i did.

picked son up for our work-out and went for just over an hour

gave the letters of consent to son after the work-out

he told me that his mother had arrived home minutes before i came to pick him up. she had given him grief about going out with me to exercise - told him that he never spent any time with her or shared his life with her - but then told him he was overweight and could use some exercise. he told her about the consequences of the day - dropped class, changes to future scheduling, wanting/needing to see a counsellor, having anxiety attacks - and she asked him that if he was having anxiety attacks why wasn't he seeing a counsellor? he said that arrangements had been made - she was pretty snotty about it being me making the arrangements. he then left.

anyway - he went inside

i went to see Smitten

we went for dinner

when we got back to her place i essentially collapsed

i was exhausted

the day had taken everything i had

i'm picking the kids up in about 20 minutes