inside game

why did I leave the kids there for the remainder of the week?

after the inspection of the house and ascertaining how much food was present. after leaving the time bombs of the contacts with the stbx's mother and the messages on brother-in-law's cell phone. after deciding how much imminent danger they were really in, especially with me being 3 blocks away and in essentially instant contact. after deciding whether i felt they would deal with an extreme emergency well enough (eg: fire).

i had to decide what i wanted out of this. what would be the best outcome? for me - and for the kids.

would it actually harm the kids to be on their own barring things like a fire?

it would not

but what it would do is underline the irresponsibility of their mother's actions. it would make them feel anxious and abandoned by their mother. i would be there whenever they called, so they would not be alone or feel abandoned by me. my mom also called (independently of my interaction) and offered help if they needed it.

also - remember - they requested to be on their own as well - so they were feeling unsupported by their mother when things started to go sideways. i was there the moment they called. the kids would/will/do interpret my actions as supportive and caring.

it may be irresponsible of me in the short term to have left them there alone - i considered vetoing, but chose not to. i believe that the larger good can be found in getting my children away from their mother on a long term basis. they will have to agree to this - both morally and by law. i cannot force it unless she is neglectful in the extreme.

they would end a week of uncertainty with their arrival at my place - warm, comfortable (a little cramped), and fed. they would open the fridge and there would be food.

and the atmosphere would be soothing and comforting.

this is a long game

daughter had to learn what a whack-job her mother is by exposure for the year - and now she is calling things the way she sees them.

the kids had to understand what and whom they could count on

they had to learn that while their mother told them to call her every day that they were away on vacation with me, that she didn't call even once while they were alone (yes - i underlined that).

as for child protective services - Chris is there - he is 18. the stbx is within a legal safe zone. yes - i checked with the head of child protection services for the province (known to me through politics).

i do not know whether i played into her manipulative games.

i let her make choices. i let the children make choices. i let them go until they reached their inevitable conclusion. i documented. i interpreted events for my children in the light that i felt they should be interpreted. i involved her family by bringing her irresponsibility to light.

i have not delivered the letter to her. she is still gone and will be until the 19th. i am following Smitten's advice on sending it only through the lawyer.

every time i rush in and fix one of her mistakes it only covers for her. it's like cleaning up an alcoholic when they pass out. by rushing in and rescuing i would be enabling further disfunction.

it has to reach crisis level before the kids will react and make their choices

the stbx is close to the edge right now - this incident will be substantial in destabilising her further. i am rather cruelly allowing her disfunction to continue and grow in order to achieve my ends. i have patched things over for too long. by simply allowing her to fail, and by illustrating those failures publicly to her universe of people she will crack

at some point the children will be fed up and will choose to leave.

i suspect that this incident and the legal moves i am making on the property front will be about all she can take. the children believe she in close to a breakdown. i trust their observations.

history has already shown that nothing will change until a crisis precipitates it