weekend (18, 19, 20) part 1

the previous weekend (18, 19, 20) was a good weekend

on friday evening i was a little cranky with Smitten from the request to have a stbx and child issues free weekend. this was also after the not coming to my apartment because she felt that it had negative energy and that it jangled and disrupted her.

i did my best to let it go, and succeeded for the most part.

i drove the kids to the house (their mother was still not back yet). i packed some food for them so they would have enough until their mother came home.

smitten had asked me to come to her house. she had prepared a meal for us, and i had picked up some wine and some beer.

why so much for one evening?

a choice. she had made some chicken tikka - a spicy indian chicken dish. i had proposed bringing wine. she wanted white to go with an almost all vegetable and light fair. i had told her about one of the stbx's uncle's (and aunt [now deceased]) who did a wine and cheese supper for the two of them every (almost) friday night. Smitten liked the idea and decided she would do our version of low fat and vegetable finger foods and wine - white wine.

but she prefers red. so i chose to get a red too - in case she happened to just on a whim change her preference and want something different (oops - there's some fear and programming from the last 20 years that needs to be lost) - and it's not like we won't end up drinking it anyway. and then i decided that if she was doing the chicken tikka i should get beer - she likes beer (so she might want that instead of her stated preference - you never know she might change on a whim... [programming]) - and indian food goes down well with indian beer - but they had no indian beer at the liquor store i was at, so i decided that another light tasting very smooth beer would substitute well: Brahma Beer found here and here. not that it matters much. but while it's a non-substantial beer (and i usually like a LOT of flavour) it works with indian food.

and i made sure i was covered in case i hadn't done something that would make the evening work... because if she was stating an unhappiness with something in the relationship it must mean something is about to blow - right? (there's that programming again)

so i also brought some rye crackers and some spiced cream cheese (and something else i can't remember). because i had done nothing to make the evening and i'm the one that makes everything - right? if i don't put any effort into it then i'm not interested enough and i'll get in shit - right? (programming)

it was a lovely evening. the crackers were of use because she didn't have as many as she thought she did at her place, but the rest went in the fridge. we had a beer each with the chicken and drank the white wine with the rest.

i was able to submerge kid and stbx issues and my resentment about the kid discussion free and the not coming to my apartment thing. we had a wonderful evening together.

the next day she had some stuff to do. i went to work out. i would have normally cut it short to match her time frames but i was a little pissed about the apartment and kid stuff - i had it under control, but i went to tell a short story that morning and she cut me off because it related tangentially to the stbx - so i pulled a passive aggressive. i had only said that i would see her after i finished working out. and that i would go work out while she was at her meeting. so i decided fuck her. i'm doing a full work-out instead of shortening it. if she can ask for and demand what she wants - so can i. so i did. 2 hours instead of 1. about 2.5 hours from when i had left her.

i had pushed it to the edge of politeness, and was feeling a little guilty (i knew what kind of anxiety leaving her dangling would cause her). i called her from the club floor phone when i was done working out but before i headed to the locker room. she asked if i had gotten her message on my cell. i said no. i played the situation straight. i told her i had done a full workout and was calling her even before i left the club floor. she said that she had left a message that expressed some anxieties and i should ignore it.

all of which i know is a real prick thing for me to do, but i was hurt and didn't know how to express it. still don't. i understand her point. but i have my own view. but i don't want to hurt her. and i haven't figured out how to say what i need to say, and to express my own feelings of being caught in a pincer of time obligation. i assured her that i didn't ignore calls because of being pissed off - which was technically true... (yeah - i know - lying shithead). which - for the record - i wouldn't have done, and don't do. I occasionally don't take my Dad's calls when he has called me a gazillion times a day - and i'm in a meeting or something - but not in some fit of pique.

so i passive agressived it (to coin a verb)

i checked my cell phone in the locker room. she had called 4 times. there was a message from her saying that she was worried that i was mad because of the morning and not taking her calls because of what she had said.

interruption of the story: Smitten called me while I was writing this. while i was writing the section about not knowing how to express any of my ideas about what she said.

the conversation flowed into it, so i talked a bit about how i felt about what she had said and done.

i told her that i wasn't cleaning my place for her. that i was cleaning it to the level that i wanted, and when i want. that her statements and actions are always in the back of my head, but that i am actively splitting on this.

that i am motivated to not take a few breaks or leave some stuff because i want an accelerated timeline on the physical order i desire - because of her statements and feelings - but that i was consciously not meeting my view of her expectations. that i was only doing things to the level of my own desires. that her coming to my place again was her own decision. that i would not invite her. that it would be entirely her decision to come or not. just like the decision not to come over.

that i would treat it in the same manner as if she had said "i need the comfort and security of my own walls" sometime when she'd had a bad week or day. that it would be like me saying "i don't feel like going out because i'm too rattled and pissy to have to deal with anyone else. or stupid people in a bar". that i would treat it as a transitory mood thing - and not a judgement.

not spoken: because if i invited her back on the basis of "is it acceptable to you now", or even allowed myself to think "now maybe it's to her standards" - then i would hate her.

i told her that i would continue as best i could to split all of the issues involved so that they would not intertwine to create some headspace filled with paranoid resentment.

she started to choke up when i told her how i was dealing with the situation and said that she hadn't thought about how her statements or expression of need would affect me.

how it might make me feel

that it was only meant to be about her here and now - and that she hadn't considered the larger or longer term implications of what she asked or said. or it's potential historical interleaving.

i said that i understood why she had said what she did. and agreed with why she needed what she needed. i read her Sicilian's comment "Mr. C. . . I choose to read what you write. . . it is overwhelming for me. . . . STBX wants to create chaos. . . maybe Smitten would just like to have a little downtime from STBX issues. . . Ciao"

i told her that many of you have expressed that even just reading my stuff can be emotional and overwhelming. so living it is a steep demand to make of her.

i just still have some feelings. that i am still resolving.

she had to go to make it to the library by 6 pm. so we ended the call. i underlined that the call was not ending on a bad note - that it was just to enforce her making it by 6.

...to be continued

[now it's time for me to go home. it's 6:05 pm and i have kids and exercise waiting]