still at it

i got a call from my daughter last night at 11:30pm

she was in her room on the cordless - door closed under her covers - so her mother wouldn't hear her talking to me

her mother had been spazzing on the kids for quite some time that night (daughter says stbx has been ranting at them each night this week). talking about how she didn't want any responsibility and she was sick of it and she didn't want to be responsible for anyone or anything anymore. alternating between crying and screaming - from abusive accusations to sobbing begging for forgiveness and expressions of love from the children - none of which they wanted to give as they were the targets of the emotional typhoon

son was still engaged with stbx, but daughter had gone to her room to escape(her word) from it. daughter was close to tears all the way through the conversation. she kept repeating "I just don't know what to do".

I understand. i've been where she is. trapped and not knowing what to do - actually knowing what to do - to leave - but not wanting to

we talked for about half and hour. she left the call when she heard her mother coming upstairs.

she called me back a few minutes later to tell me that her mother had come into her room to ask for a hug (which daughter was terribly affronted by - daughter found intrusive and wrong - given the other behaviours stbx was still displaying) and to "explain" how she was feeling and why she had gone on this rant. daughter begged off as being "too tired" and stbx left. son challenged her for interrupting daughter's sleep and they were at it again.

stbx went out to have more cigarettes - she had been smoking heavily all evening - daughter said that her mother coming in stinking of cigarettes gave her a headache - i suspect it is actually tension related, but that is my opinion - i was just listening to daughter

stbx is always ranting about money (something she did constantly when we were together) even though she still spends freely on take-out and restaurant meals. daughter and son criticise her to her face about the $300 a month she spends on cigarettes (about $10 a pack here). she was ranting about it again last night too, daughter told me.

daughter said that her mother was immature. that she was acting like a five year old. that her mother had no control over herself or her emotions. that it was pathetic that she (daughter) had her shit together more than her mother. daughter that stbx was acting like daughter did in grade 3 - when daughter was in the midst of some girl school/playground social combat with "in-girls" and "in-groups"

daughter kept repeating she didn't know what to do or how to handle it. i tried to reassure her that she would be safe at my place in a couple of days.

in the morning i called son to wake him up.

i call every morning now. i bought him a phone dedicated for his room so that he will always hear the phone. he answered and said he would get up.

i called back to make sure son was still up. daughter answered too. i inquired and they said they'd both made it to bed/sleep around 1am

son called me back awhile later and told me he'd sat down "for five minutes" once he was ready and had fallen asleep - and would now be late for school yet again.

i can only hope that we can just make it through the next weeks until school finishes. i hope son can make it through the attendance hurdles he has to complete his year

i am still on the hunt for a house. perhaps if they really have the option of moving out they will take it. stbx is tearing them apart. she is doing the same thing to them now that she did to me and i know their pain

they are only children

i am talking to my lawyer again

i don't know how i can intervene. i was going to call back to interrupt the fight between son and stbx, but daughter was terrified that her mother would figure out that daughter had called me and that she would pay for it and never be allowed to get to sleep

again, from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

"Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "the techniques are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."