fakin' it

i figured out why i am so intense on succeeding in my class

and why i was so upset by the realisation that i was fucked on my math exam

i want to be real

i want status (not in the climber sense)

i want an objective identifier of competence

i want to be a real computer guy

i want to be a real anything

i was (am) afraid that the computer guys will figure out just how bad i'm faking it

'cause they are trained programmers

i'm a self-taught guy

they know how to do stuff and use language i don't

i don't want to be a drop out anymore. i want to succeed. i want to have an objective measure to hang my hat on.

politics is all about faking it. every single fucking day

you're always afraid someone will suddenly pull the curtain back and reveal you working the machine that creates the wizard... yes - i have some real skills - but they are unquantifiable and always able to be questioned.

i don't want to have my brother's comment of some 20 - 23 years ago - "you're a parasite" - to be echoing in my head. i don't want my wife's fear to stay with me - the fear that if i blow the gig i'm in (fakin' it to be in) that i will be unemployed again.

i want to know that no matter what i do, i have a skill - a skill that is in demand - a skill that is a "hard skill" - a trade, if you will. i don't want to be judged on subjective measures - like i was judged on speech quality, and communications campaigns, and layout and colour. i want to be judged by the fact that i produce running code

as the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) says: One of the "founding beliefs" is embodied in an early quote about the IETF from David Clark: "We reject kings, presidents and voting. We believe in rough consensus and running code". (click here for the full discussion of "The Tao of IETF")

i am good at programming. i'm careful, methodical, and risk averse (excellent traits in a programmer). my lab instructor says that if he had any room in his marking parameters to give me extra marks he would.

i want to be able to hang my hat on my achievement. i want the identity. i want to be able to say - with no one being able to question it - "i know how to do this. i am a programmer."

the math test - and my expectation of failure - rubbed my nose in my past failures. it also puts me several months off in my timeline and plan - which i now have to re-jigger.

it also means i have to undergo the humiliation of the test - and the humiliation of being assessed - assessed a failure by another human being. i would rather just admit defeat up front than to actually fail or face the burning in my ears as the teacher (who will probably be kind) tells me about my options and the fact that at 42 years of age i'm going back for grade 10 algebra...

but

i'll suck it up

i will get through this

i will succeed at grade ten algebra - and grade 11 - and grade 12 - and then the real goal: calculus - to get my certificate

i've decided its going to be fun. and/or ritual self-flagellation as i go back and re-do my mistakes

i have told my son: there is no mistake you can make [with his classes] that we can't go back and fix somehow

now it's time for me to believe it about myself

i assume it's either God's punishment for all the time i spent stoned in grades 11 and 12, or it's God making sure my son actually passes his grade 12 math (because i would be re-doing the same course as he will be taking [and doing the same homework] [except he''l be doing it in french (my kids are in french immersion) and me in english]).

or it might be both punishment and renewal for me - and for my kid's benefit

i suppose it's about redemtion

and my God is a redeeming God