it just keeps getting better

my daughter dropped 4 hits of acid today

spellbinding

took them at school

somehow managed to survive the day

my contacts in the drug scene tell me that a hit these days is maybe a third the potency of acid in my (and some of your) youth

so just over one hit from my perspective

which explains why she wasn't hallucinating.

of course i never hallucinated anytime i was on acid - even 4 hits - of the old potency (over 20 years ago)

she was weepy and weirdly paranoid - but slowly came down

and is going to bed to sleep for the night

she has counseling in the morning

maybe this will be a breakthrough moment as she looks closely at herself

yeah

sure

----

i know that there will be some new drama in my life each week. so something is expected (not this, though), it's a law of the universe. i must attract, cultivate, or simply have a need for drama - i think

because otherwise you would think i would run out of this crap

things a Dad does not want to read posted by his Daughter's

from March 4th

"kay i'm so pissed because i want to like screw around with someone and everyone is taken or i can't touch and it's making me very pissed like i "had" someone to like "torment" jk but i did and i was so excited but because of shit now i'm not with them and i'm like wtf am i going to do and it's really pissing me off ! so i decided to take more secretive pictures and i'm hoping to put a few up on here but those one's will be non secretive! i really hate how no one can be in a relationship with me and i'm so fucking ready ........... Gawd it pisses me off it's like no one listens to me ever and when they have a problem they expect me to listen? FUCK YOU i've had enough i'm so fucking sexually frusterated that for a whole day i slept because whenever i was awake i wnated to fuck everything DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS???? it's fucking B.S. is what that is it's like fuck can nobody just fucking live in [our city] and want to be with me???no because everyone fucking sux and has a stick too far up their ass to notice me"

my response:

i replaced the vibrator i bought her last year that she burned out (no - i didn't ask how...)

i went through every electronic media device in the house for pics - even deleted stuff (file recovery programs/disk forensics [including flash sticks, their camera, and their phones)

some bra and panty (and a corset) stuff found, but nothing untoward posted on the internet on any of her hangouts. she left herself logged in to her hotmail account so i went through that while she was out

nothing untoward there either

uneasy, and more than a little queasy about looking at half-naked sexually suggestive self-pics of my daughter...

but all appears to be still safe

uck

it's a while new world out there

----

i know my daughter's various login ids. i keep an eye out on her activities. i am discrete and do not ask or challenge her on stuff - i hate snooping and mostly don't, but with her going back to her mother's today i felt the need to just check out what's going on in her head.

i'm worried about potential self harm

instead i found the above...

still thinking through how to address the situation

i have the birth control and condom talk at least once a month with both kids

mediation went well

have to get ready for my class, so not much details right now

will post later/tomorrow

things went well. i have some expectation that things can be moved along even if just a little

it was a solo intake metting - just me and the mediator

----

the money quote:

(i was explaining how i was prepared to take less than half of the property if it would move things along and stop or ameliorate the stbx from having a shit fit on the kids over the financial settlement)

"And has your practice of accommodation stopped [stbx]'s outbursts in the past...?"

"Your children have survived a fair bit so far. They will likely need to survive a little bit more, no matter how unpleasant in the short term. Anyway, I'm not sure how any family court judge would accept any settlement that was any other than close to even. They are certainly not going to take one where one person keeps their whole pension and most of their assets and the other just walks away with the debts"

(speaking of stbx's pension and my marital credit card debts)

first mediation session monday morning

as above

solo visist with the mediator to discuss settlment and custody issues

joint sessions later

the good thing is the department of justice picks up the tab for mediation services (it costs less than stuff going to court for the government)

the bad thing is that i expect this is yet one more stalling tactic

we'll see

----

daughter goes back to her mom's until friday, tomorrow

i'm bummed, but i can't do much - she agreed...

more detail when my head doesn't hurt so bad as it does right now

meeting went well (later edit: or not...)

Mom and Dad were good

they asked for details and i provided them with as much as i had - i just sent them more information

they are not demanding that i work through anything with them

they are asking that i have my monthly budget and statements gone over by an accountant to confirm the information i am giving them (reasonable request)

i will end up lowering my total monthly credit card payments from something around $1100 to a $200 payment on their line of credit

interest rate dropping from an average of 17% to 2.5%

saving over $400 per month interest

it was all supposed to be paid off a couple of years ago...

that would be from a settlement

that isn't here yet

----

[start]
Late Breaking News (later in the evening):

Mom had the shit fit I expected earlier. It just took awhile. I had sent over the written details of what i had outlined in our verbal session.

They are so hot and cold. Just like on buying the house.

Either be fucking prepared to help me or don't. Either want the facts, or don't. I hate this start and stop crap.

Smitten told me that most people marry one of their parents. Me, I married both.

I recognise it is their money. But they offered. I did not ask them.

I took them at their word they would be (and continue to be) reasonable.

I understand that it's their money. But I have/had other options to make my bills and to make it over this hump. But they made the offer - knowing the general outlines of my situation - there were no surprises. But now they have to have a shit fit and are starting to ask/demand me to explain/justify my whole history of how i got here going back years.

I'm not prepared to do that.

I've done the dance for them one too many times.

And yes - you may be reading this thinking "beggars can't be choosers". But i didn't beg. They offered.

fuck

and now it's the same crap they have pulled time and time again - convert an offer of help into me having to beg and justify and abase myself

[end]

----

on the lawyer/settlement front:

me to lawyer last week:

[Son] just advised me that [STBX] told him that he and [Daughter] have to move back to her place or else she'll "lose everything" and have to pay $1400 a month child support

this is one of the major sticks she's been emotionally beating them with recently

From: lawyer@lawoffice.com
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:03:29
Subject: Re: [STBX] telling kids lies about child support

[Cadbury],

I have phoned [STBX]'s lawyer and asked for this manipulation on the part of [STBX] to end IMMEDIATELY. I hope it has stopped. I was advised they have spoken to her so hopefully it will end.

Also, the mediator has been assigned and her name is [mediator name] and her phone number is [number]. I was going to follow up with her tomorrow as she is supposed to be arranging to speak to you and [STBX] either tomorrow or Monday to set up the first meeting.

Lawyer

paying off credit cards

my Dad lent me $2000 this month, and we project will lend me $2000 next month until my employment insurance kicks in

Dad just offered to pay about $25,000 of my credit cards out of their home equity line of credit - this will save me the better part of $400 per month in interest and take away those monthly payments

but Mom is a little edgy about it

it's not my plan - it's Dad's - but i can't argue with the logic

so now i am going over there to discuss things

i am not thrilled

i'm not ready for this kind of an event emotionally

i've been working through opening up some of the issues from my childhood surrounding the constant violence i suffered through grade school. i don't know if i've talked about it before - but i was beaten up on pretty much a daily basis at school - it was a daily (sometimes more than once a day) game to the kids to see who could whack my nose to make it bleed

add that to my brother's consistent violence (he liked to kneel on my arms and sit on my chest and slap my face for the couple of hours before my parents came home from work) and ridicule

add that to opening the box that all that had been stuffed into - and looking at the situation with different eyes - thinking about the fact my parents didn't defend me

didn't move me to a different school

insisted that i not physically fight or physically defend myself

a pacifist response was demanded

but they didn't go to the school and demand action from the teachers

who told me they couldn't do anything to the kids (and you may recall me discussing that the priest at our catholic school had told the other kids to rough me up because of my Dad's politics)

----

i'm not really emotionally up to this meeting

but i'm leaving now

worked through a lot of crap this weekend

i'm finishing an assignment for class tonight, so i can't post many details

the working through is a lot of introspective stuff

spent the whole weekend talking to Smitten

i discussed with her and we explored more of my personal history and how it relates to how i am handling things now

as i detail my life i realise just how abusive it has been

i don't want to sound whiny as i say it, but as i have gone back over things it becomes more and more apparent how abusive my environment has been since childhood (eg - my brother's lifelong physical and mental abuse, getting beat up in school for my dad's politics, the local priest telling the kids in my [catholic] school to beat me up because of my family's politics, my parents' lack of intervention, their highly demanding posture, blah, blah, blah)

i won't blame the past, but i will understand how it has and is affecting and conditioned (as in: brainwashed) me - and i will take steps to change me world view and some of my behaviours

----

daughter is talking about moving back with her mom half time

i am trying to do everything i can to stop that from happening

i am fearful she will end up harming herself severely or killing herself if she goes back into that mess

----

more later

really ill - life is sucky

i've been really ill for the last 2 weeks or so

some kind of influenza thing

i haven't gotten much done

dishes and laundry - managed to keep on top of them

but not much else

haven't even shaved in 2 weeks

----

my lawyers have filed the paperwork to suspend the court motion with a 3 day notice of return. they have begun the process of getting the mediation sessions underway.

the stbx's lawyers were supposed to, but surprise, surprise - they haven't

i still think it's all a big stall to not go to court...

----

i think i may have missed telling you that i had a face to face with the stbx and her lawyers a couple of weeks ago

the stbx wanted to avoid court

so they cranked up the pressure on mediation

i was against it, but my lawyer advised me "in the strongest terms" to agree to do mediation

she said that agreeing would get me closer to where i want to be

it keeps a judge from dicking with the current custody/living arrangements

it prevents a ruling against me on custody

you see - the kids cab live with me full-time with just visits to their mother and yet we can still have joint custody. my lawyer says that i would probably lose the temporary custody order. she says that she believes that the stbx would hold it together more than well enough to appear sane in front of a judge (this is the first time my lawyer has met the stbx).

so the kids stay with me. the longer the de facto arangement remains - the more likely it is to be upheld by the court. the longer the kids are sheltered from their mom - the less they want to spend time with her - especially since them staying away and her not being able to force them to come back is sending the stbx into fits - so she takes it out on the kids - which drives them away more

the lawyer says to me "Do you want to win in court, or do you want to keep your kids away from your ex?"

----

i'm broke

seriously broke

like out of money

i have some room on a couple of credit cards

Dad lent me some money, but i will have to go kissing ass for more over the next 2 months until my unemployment insurance starts arriving (with the end of the deemed period of my settlement).

i would have had enough money, but i had to spend a whack of extra cash on eqiping the apartment better for both kids to live here full time, and on massage, chiropractic, and medication.

----

not that inspired a writer at this time, so i think i will try again tomorrow