further reflections on the reality of the cycle of abuse

i was talking to my friend the other day. we were best friends. he lives in Quebec now. he's a professor. he was the best man at my wedding.

we only talk a couple of times a year now, with a few emails as well.

he was asking about the separation. he asked why it had happened.

i said "you remember when we were dating? you remember how about once each month (yes - timed to a biological phenomenon) she would say we were breaking up and she was leaving and that she didn't want to see me any more and then she'd tell me all the things that were bad about me and stuff like that?" he remembered. "well, that once a month event turned into a 4 days bad, 3 days good scene. and then it got so that it was mostly just bad with the occasional flash of good - i just couldn't take it anymore."

i realised that this cycle had been going on since we were dating.

i thought about what Smitten had told me about the cycle of abuse when she introduced me to the concept. The tension starts to build, its heightens, there's a blow out, and then there's a honeymoon period. the honeymoon can last for an indefinite period of time. sometimes years. but eventually it ends. then the cycle happens again. the time period is always shorter. eventually the abuser realises they no longer need to be nice or have a make-up/suck-up period because they are so in control that they don't need to hide or worry that they will be faced with any consequences.

i realised that the situation with mrs_c fit that scenario. all the way to the realisation that she didn't have to be nice anymore.

that would be when i left. after i realised she wasn't being nice anymore.

after 2 years...

all of this stuff still replays in my head over and over again. i keep recognising all the things i did that were criticised, and all the points where i would be jumped on. it's like a fog is slowly lifting and i can see the wreckage strewn around. i find that it is hard to have an hour go by - especially when i am with smitten - that i don't have some flash of a situation where mrs_c burned me on something - any action whatsoever - everyday stuff - how i park the vehicle, how fast i'm going, where i park in the parking lot, what i'm wearing, what i say, what i cook, what i buy, how i eat or chew, sometimes even how i would breathe or sigh or yawn.

i write it down lots of times. i then try to remember a bunch of examples of when the incident would happen, and i write them down. i ask my counselor or a few confidantes about the incidents. i have not much to measure against for "normal" relationships. most of the times they find it hard to believe. my counselor actually referred me for a couple of sessions to a female counselor who worked with abuse survivors to screen my impressions and get feedback from her. being a guy, my counselor has less experience with abuse survivors. i have a male counsellor because i am uncomfortable that sometimes i say something in a moment of anger about women in general - and then i realise that it is about one woman. i would find it uncomfortable to have said some of those things in the presence of a woman because i would fear i had offended her.

my feminist indoctrination and beliefs are taking awhile to change the vector on. not all men are evil. i am not evil simply because i am i large white male with a deep voice in a position of privilege and power... mrs_c used my feminism and guilt fairly effectively against me over the years.

it sure helps that Smitten has been a women's centre activist and is fully read on all the major works of modern feminism. she provides a swell reality check.

also, as a recovering catholic herself she has a view on how my religious upbring has shaped all those nifty guilt triggers too

when i have a reaction or panic attack around Smitten, I will usually tell her what i believe the trigger was - or she'll sense the change and ask me. it's better that she knows, rather than just wonder what the hell is going on in my head if i suddenly get rigid or drastically formal or awkward or act different.

she works with people who've survived abuse (she not a counselor - she helps people put their lives back together afterwards). she is understanding. she says "i am not your counselor and don't want to be, but i can help you past these triggers, and help you realise that you are safe when you are with me."

in the movies it all gets resolved in a montage with stirring music in the background - until the scene where there is the big breakdown scene where the person cries and lets it out and it's all better. ta da. the end.

not for me.

it revolves in my head again and again. and it doesn't go away. i feel bad for Smitten. There is a third person in out relationship, and she's an ugly participant. it is a measure of the person Smitten is that she is prepared to put up with it. she says that i am a beautiful person - that i am worth it. she says that she has never met a more tender or loving man than me in her life. that she will hold me as i heal.