christmas update (part 1)

christmas was good. the kids are still away, but it has been a good season

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on friday morning (dec 22) dropped some stuff off to the house for the kids - they had asked me to bring it over from my place. they also asked me to burn some music CDs for their trip.

when i dropped the stuff off stbx-Mrs_C gave me a gift bag and said it was for me. she then said "Can I get a hug?" Daughter was standing right there and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say no. But before I could say anything she grabbed me and hugged me. i just beat a hasty retreat out the door.

christmas and holidays/special days have been an itchy time for me for a long time. i would rarely live up to expectations and would inevitably catch serious shit. stbx-Mrs_C usually drank on those days so i would get not just regular shit. and then often demands for drunken sex.

holidays and special days were bad times for me. i was trying to reframe this season for myself.

i had a fairly high level of anxiety coming into this season. i had terrible gift anxiety about Smitten's gift(s). her ex-husband had been a "Tell me what you want and I'll buy it for you." kind of guy. She literally had to make him lists. And he'd still ask instead of reading the list. She had expressed tremendous sadness at not being special enough to warrant some effort.

i was very anxious about getting the right gift. i was wound up really tight. remember how anxious i was before i had her over for dinner the first time? there was also substantive carry-over from my issues with stbx-Mrs_C. i did finally express my anxiety to Smitten. she said that it would mean more to her to have me relaxed than to be anxious over a gift - that me being worried about or fearful of her reaction would lessen the enjoyment of receiving it. that i should wait until i could give a gift with only joy.

my fear abated somewhat.

in an odd development, Smitten's son D (11) asked to go shopping with me. he normally hates shopping, so she was surprised. we figured that he wanted to buy her gift when out with me. D has been very interested in the things that i have done for Smitten (flowers, meals, outings [art galleries, museums]). he's been asking lots of questions about "what do guys do nice for women to make women happy?". we assumed he wanted to ask me about what to get his mom.

then he bought her gift and but still wanted to go with me.

before i knew that he had bought her gift i had been thinking about how i would give him advice about how to pick "the right gift" for his mom. in thinking through my "sage advice" i ended up counselling myself. i was going to tell him "getting *the one* gift that will describe or reflect the totality of a woman is impossible. women are to complex. you will drive yourself insane. think about the various aspects of the woman and decide which part of her you want to honour with your gift."

and i solved my own problem. i would not get *the one gift to rule them all*. i would get a gift that reflected my appreciation of one aspect of who she is.

did my shopping on Friday and Saturday. it wasn't nearly as insane as i remember christmas. overspent a bit on Smitten... everywhere i went i just kept thinking "Oh! She'd like this!"

i wanted to express the elements of my appreciation for her. i got her a set of bamboo steamers and specialty green teas. i got a costco sized jug of epsom salts for her relaxing baths (muscle aches and such). i got her two copies of a book about interesting sights and trips in the area we live. i put a card with it saying that i hoped she would invite me to take part in her adventure (that's why i got the two copies of the book). i got a book of 501 must visit places in the world - to dream about. to anticipate. i got her some lingerie.

went shopping on saturday with her son. cruised about to this place and that. it was a little silent and a little awkward at first as we looked for places to have conversation. but eased fairly quickly. it was a fun day. i enjoyed having him with me. i missed my children, and he was eager to aborb his time with me, and what i had to offer.

i took him to a weird oriental shop to buy the teas and stuff. we went to a couple of fair trade stores - he thought they were cool with all the third world items. we went to an auto parts place and he bought himself a flexible reaching tool with a claw and detachable magnet and light. he was in 11 year old heaven. took him to my friend's india foods store and fed D bharfi, gulab jamin, and rasgollas - he was a little weirded out but liked them (i held off taking there until after 1pm so he would be good and hungry [heh]) then took him for dim sum. it was a multi-cultural day. he had never been for dim sum before. Smitten is into Asian food but D followed his Dad's footsteps a little more and shied away from "strange" stuff. His Dad is a guy who like his food in discreet units not touching on his plate, and not in mixed dishes.

D loved it all to pieces. The folks who run the restaurant I took him to were thrilled to see a kid having his first dim sum and hammed it up for him. And when he had problems with the chopsticks they did a deal with an elastic band and a napkin to make it work for him.

we finished the last of the shopping and i took him back to Smitten's. i hung out there for awhile and we all ate supper togther - her, two kids, me.

to be continued...