daughter's visit

i asked daughter to visit on Monday night. i had extended the invitation the week before. i asked daughter if she wanted to stay overnight because her brother would not be there and she wouldn't have to share a room - since that was her stated problem with the apartment. she didn't answer.

on Sunday I called to ask again and she said she would "check", i told her it was OK if she just wanted to come over for supper and the evening.

on Monday she agreed to come over.

on the weekend i had made sure that i was prepared for her visit. i had bought dim sum, samosas, and a special culinary event - seafood antipasto. that would be: pickled octopus, pickled squid, and pickled rubbery other stuff...

[heh, heh, heh]

it's just weird enough that i knew she'd go for it. providence also made me later in getting off work (daughter was not waiting, she didn't answer the invite until i was literally heading out the door), and it was nice enough that i could wash my vehicle without it freezing up - so i picked her up and we went straight to the carwash.

she was mighty hungry when we got to my place. i quick put the wok on to steam the dim sum and tossed the samosas into the toaster oven. then i told her about the surprise - and pulled out this jar. it's a $10.00 medium sized pickle jar - about a quart (litre) full of this stuff. she recognised the squid rings through the side before even seeing the label.


i pulled out some plates, opened it up and discovered that not only was there octopus - but it was whole octopus. these little purple whole octopi about 3 inches around.

daughter was looking at me for reaction so i quickly ate one whole (i happen to like pickled octopus - all you ladies with husbands that like pickled eggs should take note - they'll like these too!!! [heh]). daughter picked it up and gingerly nibbled a leg off.

now daughter likes sqid/calamari, she also likes pickled eggs, she has talked about octopus in the past - so she wasn't dead set against it.

she liked it. she ate the whole thing, and a couple more. she was relishing in the "grossness" of eating it and enjoying them. the funniest line was when she said "do these have brains? where's their brain?" i told her it was in the part she'd just bitten off. "gross!!! i just ate octopus brains! uuuuuhhhhh!!!!" [laughter] and she ate the rest.

we stopped after a few more and filled the rest of our plates with the other food.

we ate sitting on the couch and watched Superman Returns

it was a good evening. we talked and connected well.

as the movie was coming to a close my cell phone rang. it was Smitten. i hit pause and answered. she asked me what i was doing. i answered "watching a movie with [daughter]" my tone implied that it was not a good time to talk. Smitten was also immediately backing off of talking. The call ended quickly.

A few minutes later she called back. She opened with saying she felt uncomfortable with the last call and that she wanted to clarify how she felt. With the moive on pause I got up and walked to my bedroom. Smitten was unhappy with how she had just ditched the call, and how she was unhappy that her fear of daughter's reaction, and her fear of daughter reporting back to stbx-Mrs_C and that causing some spaz had caused her to run by ending the call without saying good-night. that she wasn't going to give an 11 year old that much power over her, or give stbx-Mrs_C that much power. That even if daughter was over that we would still be able to take a minute to say good-night.

I said "you're right". she said it wasn't about her being right. i said i understood, but that she was right anyway. that my tone and response had communicated that it was a *wrong time to call*. that it was a wrong way to handle the situation.

i told Smitten that she was right. that once again she was modelling appropriate responses for me. that instead of running away and burying my relationship with her for fear of any sensitivities that may be involved with daughter, that daughter would have to move enough to allow us that minute.

we said good-night and i returned to the movie.

after it was done i spoke to daughter about the calls and told her that i had realised that i wasn't being a very good role model. that even if there was a friction [later edit: a friction with daughter and stbx-Mrs_C] with regard to my relationship with Smitten, that it was poor parenting and role modelling on my part to try to hide it, or to run from the situation. that part of the reason i had left was to grow a set of balls. to learn to stand up in situations like that and say what i wanted. and that i loved daughter very much, and that she was an essential priority in my life, but that there was still room for a single minute or two for me to say good night. i told her that neither of the calls had been Smitten giving me shit - far from it - but that i had realised that i had handled it all wrong for fear of estranging myself from daughter. but that i didn't want to live a life filled with fear and things left unsaid anymore - a life of control or limitation through assumption and misunderstanding. i said a few other things covering the same ground.

daughter didn't say anything. she sort of said OK and then changed the subject.

we packed up some octopus for her brother, and some for her to take to school to gross out her girl friends. our parting had still some emotional overtone, but was laughter filled. daughter gave me a spontaneous big wet kiss as she left my vehicle to walk into the house.

i called Smitten and described how i had handled the situation and talked to her a little more. She said she hadn't expected such a response and that while it fit my character, was uncharacteristic of most people - that there were times in difficult, unstable, or emotional situations that i have a directness that is uncommon.

i guess people either are able to be more *sensitive* or indirectly address issues if they choose to deal with them, or they avoid dealing with them. my more direct style of analysis and discussion is apparently "different".

got to go to dance - see you later