fantasies... (part 1)

I was going to discuss, in a series of posts, how my dreams and my fantasies for my marriage went from happy to escapist to angry - and finally to retributive fantasies.

I can't write that whole sequence now. Maybe sometime later when it's all worked through. Maybe after addressing it further with my counsellor. After finding the language to write it down. I began to write it but found it very difficult. You see, my dreams and fantasies went from happy and loving to violent and forcible - both interpersonal and sexually. In the beginning it was about being suddenly rich (like the lotto) and whisking her away from here and then she'd love me. And then it moved. And it moved some more. To when she would throw my hands away - or push me away from her - to thoughts of forcing her to have sex. The first of those would end with her realising she wanted to sleep with me after I forced her - and then she'd want to have sex consistently once the initial resistance was overcome - that maybe she'd love me again. To the simply retaliatory after we split.

That's hard to admit for a guy (me) who is pretty adamant about feminism and about the physical security of women. After marching in protests, and being invited to speak at rallies because of my work on the issue.

You will recall that I left Mrs_C after smashing the wall in the garage. I hated where I had gone. What I was becoming.

I didn't hit Mrs_C except for the one incident where I struck her shoulder. I never forced my self on her sexually or was inappropriate sexually.

I have fear of what even the above already written words will say to women who read my words. You. My friends. I hate the idea of being just another man - of being thought of as an abusive male.

I tried very hard to come to terms with the thoughts and feelings and to make it go away. To stop the anger and the rage. When it didn't work I decided I had to rid it from my soul. I began to research. I had to understand why I was feeling the way I was, and why I was thinking about the things I was. It has been weighing heavily on my mind this week.

I spent a bunch of time googling terms like:

sexual expression violence men
why sexual expression violence anger men
sexual expression violence anger men
anger and sexuality male

I tried to find reference books - but could only find journal articles. Most of the research revolves around offenders. I'm not that.

I also spent a lot of time googling:

anger erectile dysfunction cause
emotional trauma men erectile dysfunction
emotional trauma erectile dysfunction

Because that's the other part of the equation. I have been having a terrible time of things sexually. To put it bluntly - if i can even get it up, i'm having problems having an orgasm. A far cry from the early days of my current relationship.

It's not that the equipment doesn't work, it's just that it works when i'm dreaming, and it will also work when i think about hurting her. About dominating and forcing her. [later edit: i was reading an email comment and reviewing this post and realised that it is imprecise who her is in this sentence. the her referred to is stbx-Mrs_C. i have no domination fantasies about Smitten. None. Nada]

There. I suppose it's said now.

I spent a bunch of time researching it because I am ashamed of my reaction and thoughts. I was trying to find something to help me say that even though it conflicts with what I believe, I'm not a bad person... I found some interesting information, but that's for later, I suppose.

The erectile dysfunction affects Smitten - I am not the lover I want to be. She has been very loving and generous in how she has dealt with it. She is an amazing woman.

I adore her. But the impulses have been condition so long to find arousal in the rejection/accession/whining/wheedling/power struggle that it has impaired my normal arousal cycle. It's called impulse conditioning.

I talked to Smitten about my dysfunction and about the problems and the fantasies that I had/have. About the anger and the rage. I brought all my research with me. Some 3 or 4 inches of solid paper - articles that deal with the subjects surrounding my issues - some articles that provide insight into what's going on in my head.

I had prepared her previously by alluding to the anger, and making a roundabout references. I had sent her some research along the way that dealt with rage reactions among abuse survivors - most of them sexual abuse and male on male sexual abuse - but enough parallels that it was useful. She had a good idea of why I was sending the stuff and what i was leading up to. It was fully telegraphed.

Here are some phrases that show up in the literature surrounding rage reactions - sexual rage reactions in abused males - both offenders and non-offenders:

"haughty and rejecting"
"humiliated and powerless"
"shame-anger loops"
"humiliated fury"

On friday night I laid it out. In a lot more detail than this post. My feelings and the research. It was a very, very difficult thing to do to expose myself that much - and about a subject that I have such shame over. Both the powerlessness of being abused and my fantasy response(s). I was quite worried that the disclosures would end my relationship.

Smitten has worked with sexual offenders/predators. She says that to her view I share nothing in common with those people.

She says that I exhibit all the standard characteristics of female abuse survivors. Smitten said that dreams and fantasies of violence - especially violent reprisal - are common among abuse survivors.

She says that sexually violent/forcible sex fantasies in a male (me) who had been belittled, systematically stripped of personal power and humiliated in that arena would seem a likely and logical response. That the relational and sexual rejection would be the most damaging point to hurt me - and that would be where anger would come back out - the ego (in the psychology sense of the word) attempting to reassert itself.

She said that there are at least a half a dozen theories that would explain such a reaction - especially since it is not a generalised reaction toward all women - just one.

I found this article which seems to support that view:

" But many influential psychoanalysts are focusing on the sometimes subtle difficulties in intimate relationships that such fantasies can create, and on the range of purposes they serve, from filling empty relationships and allaying depression to bolstering self-esteem.

The new thinking holds that deep within such adult fantasies as having an obedient harem of love slaves or an urge for sexual humiliation lurk infantile longings such as for an attentive love or the need to overcome a profound sense of powerlessness.

But the fantasies cannot help repair such emotional traumas, the psychoanalysts say, in part because they make those who rely on them emotionally unavailable to their partners."

"Other therapists who specialize in sexual problems, however, take a more benign view of perverse fantasies, seeing them as of concern only when they cause a person distress. Indeed, few people enter therapy because they are unhappy with their sexual fantasies.

To avoid the stigma of "perversion," the official psychiatric diagnosis uses the inelegant term "paraphilia." The diagnosis of paraphilia is made only if someone has intense, unusual sexual fantasies, and is compelled to act them out or is distressed by them.

But the new psychoanalytic view emphasizes the role perverse fantasies play in a person's emotional life. "In perversion, affirmations of self-esteem and security blend with sexuality," said Dr. Louise Kaplan, a psychologist at the Margaret Mahler

Research Foundation in New York City. "The erotic pleasure in a perverse act is secondary to the emotional reassurance it offers."

In this view, the scenario of a perverse fantasy is a disguised repetition of a childhood emotional trauma. But because the fantasy brings sexual pleasure, the perversion becomes a way to turn childhood trauma into a triumph of sorts.

Freud and Fixations

For example, Dr. Sheldon Bach, a psychologist at New York University, wrote in Dr. Fogel's book about a patient whose fantasies were of tying women up and raping them. The man traced the origin of his fantasy to feeling as a child that neither parent took much pleasure in him. He could not believe that anyone would want to love him. In his words, the total control meant, emotionally, that "she would always be there." "

"Dr. Arnold Cooper, a psychiatrist at Cornell University. "In the fantasy, you can control what you once were a victim of, and get pleasure from it. But the cost is a damaged capacity for loving.""

"People are most likely to engage in perverse fantasies at times of emotional distress. "The occasional pervert, which may include the majority of people, feels the pressure for perverse action" mainly when under stress, Dr. Cooper said."

New York Times Article

There is little discussion or even much research on men who are in abusive relationships where the woman is the abuser. The material is pretty minimal. Most of it is written by non-professional "men's rights activists". Many of whom I don't care for - or their ideas.

But abused men do go through almost identical issues as women do.

. Feelings of guilt
. Powerless
. Concern regarding their safety
. Denial
. Shock
. Anger
. Depression
. Anxiety"

I did find one interesting study result about erectile dysfunction:

"Depression and anger were highly correlated with erectile dysfunction."

"Maximal level of anger (either suppression or expression, as defined by Spielberger's anger scales) was associated with approximately 75% erectile dysfunction, double the erectile dysfunction prevalence among men who reported minimal anger."

http://www.psychiatrist.com/pcc/pccpdf/v04s03/v63s0502.pdf

It was hurtful - as in full of hurt - to discuss/disclose these issues with Smitten. I haven't discussed this issue with my counsellor. The counsellor that I am seeing right now I arranged to go to in order to deal with issues in parenting surrounding my daughter. She about 60 and even if she has seen and heard a lot, I haven't been able to discuss these kinds of issues with her. She is more of a motherly figure and I'm just not comfortable going to this subject with her.

I cried while dealing with this - by myself and with Smitten. I don't cry very easily. Most often in rage or frustration.

This was a different kind of crying. Not anger, not defeat, not frustration.

There's been a lot of tears and almost tears - sudden onset - since I started to work at this in earnest. I'm trying not to hold them in. I'm having a few problems when it hits me at the office - but I have a door I can close - and the people I work with would be kind to me.

I was able to make love on Saturday in the afternoon. Without problems. [later edit: again reiterating - the dominance thing is about stbx-Mrs_C. Smitten has said that I am the most gentle and tender lover she has ever had]

And I keep trying to work it through.

I'm writing it all up in a more coherent form so that I will be forced to repeat it and to understand what I am saying and thinking about.

We'll see whether it all helps.

I thought about apologising for my thoughts, but they are mine. I imagine I will put a few more down in a few days.