Prelude to Fantasy (part 1)

I feel alive, but there's nothing like a conversation with stbx-Mrs_C to crush the life from me. She knows how to make me feel bad in mere moments.

Nothing like a conversation with my daughter asking me "Why would you do this to me?", and saying "I hate you" while crying. Saying "this means you're never coming back." "Why did you leave me? leave us? leave your family?" A conversation where she feeds all of her mother's lines to me, and uses all of her mother's "conversation"/argumentative techniques to keep me off balance - not intentionally I'm sure, but sure as hell learned.

She kept switching topics and asking questions one after another so fast without giving me enough time to respond... it was like a discussion with her mother.

You see, I dropped the papers off today. My proposed structure of the separation, divorce, and settlement.

stbx-Mrs_C left for awhile and daughter read the papers that her mother left lying there.

There was a little bit of resolution by the end of the conversation, but it is still pretty raw for me.

It's 12:44am. I'm going to bed. I'll pick this up tomorrow from work.

It all reminds me of why I left in the first place. It reinforces my reasoning and my anger. And it provides a window on the answer to questions I have about some of the fucked up feelings I have toward her - and some of the damage done to my psyche and sexuality - and some of the problems I'm having.

That last paragraph was going to be the topic of todays post, and the next several posts.

I worry as I post these next posts that you may think less of me as I delve into some uncomfortable head space where sexuality, male sexuality, anger, rage, personal emotional humiliation, and fantasies of violence and retaliation mix together into an icky non-actualised and partially actualised mess.

But I'm tired and it's late.