yelling at me in the garage

i went to pick up the kids for supper. daughter wants to show me her new Barbie - she had tried to heat press her other one's hair with a hair straighter... (hey - she's 11)

while i was standing in the doorway stbx-Mrs_C asks me "How is your relationship with your girlfriend going?" I tell her that i do not think that is a subject for discussion between stbx-Mrs_C and I.

Then she tells me that she went to see her lawyer for about 2 hours. she tells me about the timeline she will be following in the next week or so. than she tells me that her lawyer is sending a note to mine asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. i tell her that they are professionally required to recommend and provide proof of attempts at reconciliation.

the kids are heading out the door to the vehicle. as i'm leaving she calls me back "come back here! i want to say something to you!" she snarls. i stop and go back in. "you kids get the hell out and close that door!" she barks. I'm seeing where this is probably going, but i can leave at any time.

"you're a fucking asshole!" she shouts loudly. "You're just a fucking asshole! you are a completely selfish bastard!"

it goes on like this for a minute or so. i let it go on. i intend to stay until she gets it out. i understand that anger and that rage. i want her to get it out - and i'm the best possible person for her to get it out on. she needs to release it. i can endure this without much difficulty.

she has so much hurt from her whole life.

i still want her to be healed and to be whole. i always have.

she stops to see my reaction

i say "are you done?"

she starts to cry "i would have done anything you wanted. i could have changed. i would have made the changes you wanted. i would have let you have control. i would have let you lead this marriage. i wanted you to take leadership, but when you didn't i took it."

i stare

she says "i've been dating a few other men, and i've realised that all those years i never had a husband. i always had to be the tower of strength. i had to do everything."

i say "you have never recognised any of the things i did do in our marriage. you have consistently dismissed my efforts. any time i tried to even voice an opinion you stamped it out. you wouldn't even let me pick groceries when you were around - i'd have to make a second trip to go back and get all the stuff you would refuse to get that we still needed. you say you wanted me to take some control? that may be so - like many things - you wanted it - but you would never allow it. you would always viciously seize back control and stamp out any thing that didn't originate with you. and you should have thought about the effects of your actions and your words every time you decided to go savage on me just to release some steam."

she starts to cry again "hold me" she says and holds out her arms to embrace me.

i say "no" and push her away.

"why not?"

"remember what happened last time you tried this? how'd that work out?"

she pushes forward and grabs me and hugs me. i am awkwardly pinned for a few moments. i kind of pat her back for a moment - i don't want to hurt her at a vulnerable moment.

she pushes her groin against mine and rubs a bit that way.

i push her off an say "i've got to go"

the kids are outside the garage goofing off and looking in through the window space on the garage - son is lifting daughter up high enough to see.

she starts raising her voice again "this is like suicide, you're quitting. you're a quitter! we could have made it work - but no it's all about you!"

i say "i tried it for a very long time. i tried everything from flowers to counselling."

she follows me out onto the driveway where my vehicle is parked and the kids are waiting.

"you didn't go to counselling - you just went to argue with the counsellor.! you didn't even try! it's all about you! you're breaking up a family here! it affects more than just you! no-one is happy! no one is happier!"

i get in the vehicle with the kids and drive away.

----

the kids are talking about anything but what just happened. i let them have a few minutes. i say "i'm sorry that you had to witness that. i had no idea that would happen. "

son says "i knew it from the minute we went in the door to get [daughter]"

daughter says "that's to be expected"

son says "i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm tired of it."

daughter says "she nuts just like grandma."

son "that's one really unstable crew"

i say "there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt that goes back a lot of years. there's a lot of healing that has to happen. the effects of the abuse - both beatings and the sexual abuse have never been properly dealt with"

daughter "yeah - and uncle [molestor] is getting even creepier. one time he invited me to come over to his house and [girl cousin from second marriage] wasn't even there" (i was horrified, but wasn't going to leap at that moment beause there were other issues to deal with)

son "i still want to beat the shit out of him for fucking up my life"

laughter from both kids

silence

"where do you want to go for supper?" i ask